In case you were busy jet-setting, globe-trotting, or napping, here’s what you missed in sports last weekend:

• The Pittsburgh Pirates became the first team to win 50 games this season with a 2-1 win over the Milwaukee Brewers. “Yes, yes, excellent,” said master of the underworld Satan Jones upon hearing the news, “it is as prophesied: When the Pirates from where the three rivers merge ascend, so, too, shall I, Satan Jones!”
• Free agent Chris Paul’s representatives have informed potential suitors to end their pursuit of the point guard because he plans to re-sign with the Los Angeles Clippers. “Good, good, everything is falling into place,” said master of the underworld Satan Jones upon hearing the news, “yes, re-sign with the Clippers. Strengthen the Clippers franchise. The reckoning is hastened thusly. The reckoning is hastened thusly! Satan Jones shall return!”
• Brazil won the FIFA Confederations Cup on its home soil with a dominant 3-0 victory over reigning world champion Spain. Fred scored two goals for the Brazilians, who came into the tournament ranked a record-low 22nd in FIFA’s world index. When asked how he motivated his struggling side to regain its traditionally strong form, Brazil manager Luiz Felipe Scolari answered, “I reminded them ‘We’re Brazil, and we’re playing football.'” When asked if he did anything else, Scolari scrunched up his face and cocked his head before repeating, “We’re Brazil, and we’re playing football.”
• Serena Williams easily defeated 42-year-old Kimiko Date-Krumm, 6-2, 6-0, to advance to the fourth round of Wimbledon. Williams likened the dominance of her win to “Serena Williams playing a 42-year-old at Wimbledon.”
• Joe Sakic began his reign as general manager of the Colorado Avalanche by selecting Nathan MacKinnon with the first pick of the NHL draft. In so doing, the Avalanche passed on top prospect Seth Jones, whose father, former NBA star Popeye Jones, was encouraged by Sakic to push his son toward playing hockey while both men played in Denver. “Ultimate prank!” Sakic said of his decision to pass on Jones, “Oh, man. That took forever to pull off. You know how hard it is to convince a man to get his son to play hockey, then get that kid to be the best young hockey player in the world, then take over the reins of the professional hockey team in the town where that kid decided to play hockey, and then not draft him? Very hard. But worth it. Oh boy, so worth it. Did you see his face? He was all like, ‘What?’ Oh, man. Classic. Classic!”
• Los Angeles Dodgers starter Josh Beckett has been ruled out for the remainder of the season after deciding to undergo surgery for thoracic outlet syndrome. “Do I have to do everything?” Yasiel Puig asked himself rhetorically as he walked out toward the bullpen. “You’d think with this payroll someone else could do some of the heavy lifting.”
• Inbee Park won her third consecutive LPGA major, finishing the U.S. Women’s Open at 8-under for a comfortable four-stroke win. Park becomes the first woman to win the first three majors of a season, though winning a Grand Slam will not be easy for Park, as there are now five majors in women’s golf. “Yes, good, the Pentagram Slam shall further grant me powers,” cackled Satan Jones from a throne made of ghost bones in Hades, “and when I rise no one shall be spared from the wrath of Jones!”
• The New England Patriots have announced a plan by which fans can exchange their Aaron Hernandez jerseys for any other jersey in the team’s pro shop while Hernandez stands trial on first-degree murder charges in the slaying of Odin Lloyd. Now, am I saying that Hernandez was framed by local Patriots fan Aaron Sullivan, who maybe lost a little weight over the summer and wanted to trade in his XL Hernandez jersey for a large? And maybe that same fan wanted to go for a true Patriots star like Mike Vrabel or Matt Light? Is it at least possible? That, my friends is reasonable doubt. If the jersey didn’t fit, you must acquit.
• The New York Knicks are close to acquiring former no. 1 pick Andrea Bargnani in a trade that would send Marcus Camby back to the Raptors, where he started his career in 1996. Test audiences have described the move as “Not at all what I expected from Jurassic Park IV.”
• Matt Kenseth was able to pull away from Jimmie Johnson after a late fuel-only restart to win the NASCAR Sprint Cup race at Kentucky Speedway. “Yes! Yes! It is complete! Johnson falls, Satan rises!” Satan Jones yelled as he prepared to ascend back to our mortal plane. “Wait, no. No! This can’t be! No one cares? No one cares at all that Johnson failed to hold off Kenseth despite having the fastest car all day? But it’s Jimmie Johnson! The greatest racer of your mortal lifetimes! How can this be! How can this be? Jones hath been thwarted!”