In case you were busy learning about all of the horrific things that can happen to the human body after a sunburn, here’s what you missed in sports last weekend:

• Two-time Cy Young winner Tim Lincecum threw the season’s second no-hitter, throwing 148 pitches as the Giants beat the San Diego Padres, 9-0. “Hate to throw that many pitches, but this ol’ horse wanted his last shot at glory,” the 29-year-old Lincecum said. “Dunno how many bullets this ol’ gunslinger has is in the ol’ bullet holder, so you gotta take the ol’ sling chances when they come,” said Lincecum, who grew up on a steady diet of Are You Afraid of the Dark? and Doug. “It’s tough to know that your prime done passed you by, that even on a good day you ache in new ways, your body just don’t feel like it did when you were a young buck of 25,” added Lincecum, whose memory of the ’80s is almost wholly nonexistent. “But I’m glad to have gotten the chance to carve my name in the tablets of time before I stagger out the back door never to be heard from again, except for occasionally as I live out the remaining 60 or so years of my life.” Lincecum celebrated his win at a gastropub in San Diego’s Gaslamp Quarter, where he was carded when he ordered a Bud Light Lime.
• American sprinter Tyson Gay reportedly tested positive for using an unnamed performance-enhancing drug in an out-of-competition test this May. I choose to believe that Gay was high on love. Love of his family, friends, and country. That’s what gave him the edge he needed to become an American champion, and ironically would become his downfall. Yup, it was definitely either love or a banned stimulant called oxilofrine that former Jamaican champion Asafa Powell tested positive for this week. One of the two.
• Nineteen-year-old Jordan Spieth became the fourth-youngest winner in PGA Tour history, capturing the John Deere Classic in a riveting five-hole playoff over David Hearn and defending champion Zach Johnson. Now we here at About Last Night are all about debate, so let’s just say, is Jordan Spieth the most overrated player in the history of the PGA? Definitely. First of all, it took a huge dose of luck for Spieth to win the tournament, as he chipped in on the 18th to force the playoff, and then watched both Johnson and Hearn lip out potential tournament-winning putts earlier in the sudden death playoff. Guy is already being hailed as better than Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson, Colin Montgomerie. These are legends, and you don’t just step in, day one, and chip in to take out a legend. Legends don’t win on lip-outs. They win with gusto. Now I know what you’re thinking, here’s a 19-year-old who just moved up to no. 11 in the FedEx Cup rankings. First teenager to win a tournament in 80 years. Cut him some slack. You know what I say to that? No. I’m sorry, I thought this was the PGA? Does the “A” in that not stand for America? Is this not America? Are John Deere tractors not the vehicles that keep our American lawns perfectly trimmed as is our right? I’m sorry, I thought we still believed in a little thing called Manifest Destiny here. And until Spieth has proven himself at both the Ryder and Presidents Cups, he’s Jordan Specious as far as I’m concerned.
• Brian Vickers ended a 75-race winless streak as he won the Sprint Cup event at New Hampshire Motor Speedway. For those of you who had forgotten about Vickers during his losing streak, this is Brian Vickers, not to be confused with a Blu-ray copy of The Wicker Man, a 2006 film starring Nicolas Cage that was based on a cult classic made in the ’70s featuring Christopher Lee. Common mistake.
• Chris Davis equalled the AL first-half home run record with 37 as the Baltimore Orioles beat the Toronto Blue Jays, 7-4, to win their three-game weekend tilt. Davis will next ply his trade in the Home Run Derby, which, in an utter abridgment of the sanctity of baseball, counts this year; the winner of the Derby will be allowed to be pitched to by a pitching coach/close relative for the remainder of the season. When asked why he implemented this rule, MLB commissioner Bud Selig responded, “I’m old, and I’m bored. I’ve been doing this job forever. I think I’m gonna start making everything count. Really frisk things up. Also, would it be the worst thing in the world if we had a new home run champ? Also, I’m bored.”
• Astros rookie Jarred Cosart brought a no-hitter into the seventh inning of his major league debut, which Houston would win, 2-1, over the Tampa Bay Rays. After the game, the rest of his team sat around Cosart dumbfounded and poked him with sticks as they skeptically muttered phrases such as “good pitch wha?,” “winner guy have scary arm,” and “burn the witchy man,” before Cosart got his teammates’ attention by showing them how to grip a slider. Skeptical muttering was replaced with mutterings of approval, though Astros second baseman Jose Altuve was heard to repeat “burn the witchy man” on the way back to the team hotel in Tampa.
• An ailing Johnny Manziel was forced to cut his attendance at the 2013 Manning Passing Academy short because of illness. HAHAHAHAHA. Oh man. That’s funny. Wait, that’s really how that’s being reported? Oh boy. Well, this is awkward. Um … Camp officials are reportedly adamant he wasn’t sent home for partying. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Come on. That’s too much. That’s just too much. How am I supposed to keep it together if that’s what’s being reported? Please don’t tell me his father said he stayed home from camp because of dehydration? Is he? No. NO! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Oh man. Classic. Classic.
• Ageless wonder Raul Ibanez doubled in the winning run as the Seattle Mariners finished off their first sweep of the season with a 4-3 win over the Los Angeles Angels. After this series, Ibanez stands only five homers shy of Ted Williams’s record 29 for a hitter age 41 or older. Not long ago in this space I promised to eat my hat if Ibanez broke a record held by Williams, and I want to confirm, that even though it’s totally insane that Ibanez might actually break a record held by Williams, I am not backing down from that promise. If Ibanez hits six home runs after the All-Star break I will eat my hat. In unrelated news, if there are any haberdashers out there who are interested in putting together a hat made entirely of cured meats, I know a guy who’s interested in purchasing just such a hat. So please, leave your edible hat–related information in the comment section below.