In case you were busy taking in that new Woodsy Allen movie because it doesn’t have that nervous fellow who is always in them, here’s what you missed in sports last weekend:

• Alex Rodriguez responded to being hit by a pitch by Red Sox starter Ryan Dempster in the second inning with a rally-starting home run as the Yankees surged from behind to beat the Boston Red Sox, 9-6, on Sunday, claiming a win in the rivals’ weekend series. When asked why he hit Rodriguez, Dempster explained, “I feel the best way to process anger is by throwing things really fast at the things that make you mad. Like when I get to the fridge, and one of my kids has finished off a carton of milk and put it back into the fridge empty, I throw a heater right at the fridge to say, ‘Hey, fridge, why are you tearing this family apart?’ Or when I’m stuck behind a school bus in traffic, I find a slider thrown at that flashing stop sign on the side of the bus sends the message, ‘Hey buddy, I found school to be a harsh environment when I was a kid.'” When asked again why he hit Rodriguez, Dempster said, “Those fat cats down in Washington,” and walked out of the press conference without saying another word.
• Despite his heroics, Rodriguez and Yankees general manager Brian Cashman remain at odds, with Cashman saying he is “not comfortable talking to Alex.” When told of Cashman’s comments, Rodriguez replied, “Makes sense. Have you seen my body? I wouldn’t be comfortable approaching me either. God himself couldn’t make a body like this one. Hey, you want me to take my shirt off?” When told that would be unnecessary, Rodriguez added with a wink, “Yep, that’s the uncomfortable look I’ve been getting. I can tell you’re impressed.”
• In a battle of potential Super Bowl foes, the Seahawks used their opportunistic defense to force four turnovers in a sound beating of the Denver Broncos, 40-10, in preseason play. When asked why his team was motivated to play so hard, given that the game itself didn’t matter, Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll yelled, “PETE CARROLL COMPETE CARROLL. YOU COMPETE. THERE IS NO PRESEASON THERE IS ONLY COMPETESEASON.” Carroll then spun around with his arms held out wide as he yelled, “YOU GO GO GO GO GO,” before collapsing in a bout of dizziness and taking a nap on the sideline of CenturyLink Field.
• Andrew Luck outshone Eli Manning as the Indianapolis Colts were 20-12 preseason winners over the New York Giants. After the game, Luck addressed the media by saying, “It’s nice to get a win off some guys who have rings, even if it wasn’t a game that was being played at full—,” before being interrupted by Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll, who yelled, “PETE CARROLL GOT ON A PLANE TO INTERRUPT YOU FOR A SECOND TO SAY PETE CARROLL DOESN’T BELIEVE THAT FOOTBALL CAN BE PLAYED AT LESS THAN 281 PERCENT, AND IF YOU DON’T THINK THAT’S POSSIBLE THEN WATCH THIS WITH YOUR FACE.” Carroll then waved his hands in front of Luck’s visibly perplexed face for a few minutes while saying “NOT TOUCHING CAN’T GET MAD,” before collapsing in a heap and taking a nap in the visitor’s locker room at MetLife Stadium.
• The Pittsburgh Pirates’ recent woes continued Sunday as they dropped the rubber game of a weekend series with the Arizona Diamondbacks, 4-2, in 16 innings. Clint Hurdle blamed the team’s loss on Clint Barmes, saying, “We pinch hit for the guy in the ninth. He goes down to the clubhouse to ice down, comes back up in the 15th, and yells, ‘Let’s play two, eh boys?’ and all of a sudden the whole team is on board. We lose all of our offensive intensity. Everybody is trying to make outs. Meanwhile, the Diamondbacks keep trying to score, and sure enough, they do.” Hurdle then hung his head and said, “A culture of losing is a tough thing to eliminate.”
• Barcelona opened the La Liga season by destroying Levante, 7-0, getting goals from five players while only allowing a single shot on goal. Despite their loss, Levante can take solace in the fact that the game is over, and as time moves inexorably forward, it can never happen again. Also, memories are themselves illusory, and the team can now begin the long and arduous process of reconstructing its perception of the match into something palatable for its consciousnesses. Also, all of humanity’s history will one day be rendered illegible to whatever beings survive us on this planet, so the cosmos has, from a geological perspective, almost already forgotten this loss. So, really, losing 7-0 to Barcelona isn’t particularly meaningful in that context.
• Defending champions Manchester United opened their Premier League season with a bang, throttling Swansea City, 4-1, behind a pair of braces from Robin Van Persie and Danny Welbeck. “I’m gonna call them the orthodontists, and lord knows we could use some of those around here,” said new United manager David Moyes as he haplessly attempted to further ingratiate himself with the United faithful after the win, before quickly adding, “No, I jest, we Scots love a good crooked tooth. Well, not ol’ Alex Ferguson, but he was no true Scotsman in my eye. Nah, he was a shifty old bastard.” When asked why he was still talking, Moyes looked plaintively at the gathered press and said, “No one else will. Not my ol’ chaps at Everton, not anyone over at Barca, nor Madrid. But who needs incoming transfers anyway, am I right?”
• Arsenal had a disastrous start to the Premier League season, falling to Aston Villa, 3-1, while losing a number of key players to injury on an already thin squad and seeing center back Laurent Koscielny shown off with a questionable red card. When asked about his lack of success in bringing in talent this offseason, noted Frenchman and Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger said, “While building a larger squad might appear to be the goal, there is a fair price for all things in this universe, and if we betray our sense of fairness, we betray what makes us humans. Therefore, I dub this offseason a success. I remain human; can others say the same?” Wenger then pulled out a pack of Gauloises, only to find the pack empty. He was then approached by a man offering him a cigarette for 20p, but was rebuffed after offering the man 10p and Nicklas Bendtner.