In case you were busy realizing that your future isn’t so bright, and you should probably take off your shades inside because you look foolish, here’s what you missed in sports this weekend:

• Derek Jeter came back with a bang, returning from injury by hitting a home run off the first pitch he saw in the Yankees’ 6-5 win over the Tampa Bay Rays. I don’t know about you guys, but given Jeter’s impossible streak of heroism, isn’t it time he got promoted? We all remember when Jeter got drafted out of Kalamazoo as lowly ensign, and then shot up the ranks, becoming Captain Jeter of the SS Yankees. But isn’t it time that he’s made a rear admiral of the AL East? Now we all know that Jeter is too humble to demand that we put stars on his shoulder, but I think we can all agree that no one deserves being given command of the entire AL East more than Jeter.
• The U.S. men’s national team reclaimed the Gold Cup title with a gritty 1-0 win over Panama in the tournament final. “Yes, good, now bring me the golden cup, for it must be the grail,” said American manager Jurgen Klinsmann, who missed the final match because of suspension. “Finally, immortal life is mine!” Klinsmann then drank deeply from the cup only to find himself in immediate pain. “What is happening to me?” Klinsmann asked assistant coach Kasey Keller, who was screaming in dismay. Klinsmann then rapidly aged until he was nothing but dust and bone, before former manager Bruce Arena stepped out of the shadows and said with a modicum of irony, “He has chosen poorly.”
• A slow pit stop from Jimmie Johnson opened the door for South Bend, Indiana, native Ryan Newman to claim his first Brickyard 400 title at Indianapolis Motor Speedway. Newman credited his win on time spent early in the morning with crew chief Matt Borland and team owner Tony Stewart, who made Newman and Borland check the dimensions of the track with a tape measure. “What’cha got boys?” Stewart asked after a few hours had passed. “Um, about 2.5 miles,” an exhausted Newman responded. “I think you’ll find that’s the exact same measurement as any 2.5-mile oval we race on.” Newman and Borland then chuckled knowingly to each other before Stewart added, “OK boys, let’s get ready to race.”
• One day after destroying a clubhouse phone after arguing balls and strikes, Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz went 4-for-4 with a home run in Boston’s 5-0 win over the Baltimore Orioles. Fortunately for Ortiz, starting pitcher Jon Lester matched his performance, because without a functioning clubhouse phone there was no way to communicate to the bullpen when to warm pitchers up. If only man could invent some sort of wireless voice-throwing device, none of this would have happened. Step it up, scientists.
• Texas A&M sophomore Johnny Manziel made an appearance at a UT-Austin frat party this weekend, before being asked to — WHY AM I WRITING ABOUT THIS? HOW IS THIS NEWS? FRONT-PAGE NEWS? REALLY? REALLY? COME ON.
• Now here’s some sports news that everyone cares about: At the Senior British Open at Royal Birksdale, a double-bogey on 18 pushed Bernhard Langer into a tie with Mark Wiebe at 9-under before their playoff was suspended due to darkness. When asked about the suspension, neither Langer nor Wiebe was available to comment, as both men were at Birksdale’s famous “early birdie” prime rib buffet, where they exchanged stories about their grandsons’ exploits before bickering over whether cell phones were “things that no one understands” or “things that just we don’t understand, because my Susie seems to use hers with no problem.” Anyway, if you’re still interested, Wiebe ending up winning this morning while you were sleeping.
• The Denver Broncos suffered another offensive line setback as center Dan Koppen tore his ACL in training camp and will be out for the entirety of the season. Denver quarterback Peyton Manning’s system of audibles will likely make up for the loss, one of many on the Broncos’ line, as he’s spent the offseason working on getting his arm-flapping to be powerful enough for him to take flight. “It hasn’t worked yet,” Manning said. “But, um, I ordered a David Blaine video on levitation today, so it’s just a matter of time until it’s in the playbook.”
• It was a tough weekend for pass-catchers as well, as Philadelphia’s Jeremy Maclin and Baltimore’s Dennis Pitta both suffered season-ending leg injuries, which their doctors called “fortunate, because in terms of long-term health, avoiding an entire season of football is probably the best thing that could happen for these two men.”
• A rough weekend for injuries was not limited to the gridiron as the Los Angeles Angels’ season went from bad to worse with first baseman Albert Pujols likely to miss the rest of the year with a foot injury. “Nooooo!” exclaimed New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan for reasons that no one could quite figure out. “Why would this happen? They were perfect! And now it’s all ruined! Ruined!” Ryan continued to scream while beating his chest as a profoundly confused press corps slowly backed away.