In case you were busy crashing Lark Voorhies’s birthday party (and if so, kudos to you), here’s what you missed in sports on Monday.

• Tiger Woods had a vintage weekend as he both reclaimed the no. 1 world ranking in golf and won his record eighth Arnold Palmer Invitational at Bay Hill. When asked if things could be any better than they are right now, Woods responded, “Um, yes. Yes, they could. You have no idea.” When asked to elaborate, Woods responded, “No, I better not. I … I better not.”
• The Miami Heat ran their win streak to 27 games after a 108-94 win over the Orlando Magic. Miami forward Chris Bosh was jubilant after the performance, saying, “Big things are happening in Miami. I’m hoping this will finally get the media to pay attention to us down here. These 27 straight wins should definitely get us the attention we deserve.”
• Despite a big game from Kobe Bryant, the Los Angeles Lakers jeopardized their hold on a playoff spot, dropping a critical intrastate matchup to the Golden State Warriors, 109-103. As time ran out, Bryant was heard telling an official, “The Lakers have had a spot in the Western Conference playoffs since these playoffs were founded. We founded these playoffs.” When told to calm down, and that his teammate Dwight Howard was sulking off the court, Bryant went on to say, “Screw him! I want this game restarted right now. Get those Warriors back in here! Turn those shot clocks back on! Turn those shot clocks back on!”
• John Wall had a career high 47 points as the Washington Wizards upset the Memphis Grizzlies, 107-94. After the game, Wall, who sat by his locker in a floral crimson robe, turned and said, “Oh, look at you all. Back here with me. What a surprise. I thought you’d be out having fun with Derrick, and Kyrie, and Ricky, and Damian. But here you are. Do you know why you’re back? Do you? Because I’m a star, baby. I’m a star.” Wall then stood up, extended his arms, and made jazz hands for an uncomfortable length of time.
• The Denver Nuggets had their own extended win streak snapped in humbling fashion, falling to the New Orleans Hornets, 110-86. Nuggets head coach George Karl blamed the loss on “all the damn bees on the court. Bees everywhere. Bees, bees, bees!”
• The Toronto Maple Leafs blew a two-goal lead before losing to the Boston Bruins in a shootout, 3-2. Maple Leafs head coach Randy Carlyle blamed the loss on “all the damn B’s on the ice. B’s everywhere. B’s, B’s, B’s!”
• The defending Stanley Cup champion Los Angeles Kings served notice that they’re still a force to be reckoned with, beating the Chicago Blackhawks on the road, 5-4. The Kings, whose next trip will be to the White House later today, hoped the win would really help their chances going forward. “Absolutely,” said team captain Dustin Brown. “This win gives us the credibility to go to President Obama and say, ‘Hey, here are some alternative tax plans that may be able to tax consumption in a progressive way.’ We come out of a game against his Blackhawks with a loss? He laughs us out of the Oval Office. Now, I think we’ve got a good chance of really changing the way business gets done out there in Washington.”
• Tubby Smith is out at Minnesota after six seasons as head coach of the Golden Gophers. Smith hopes to continue coaching basketball, but is holding out for a school where he’ll be allowed to go by his given name, “Orlando,” and not the cruel nickname “Tubby,” which has stuck with him unfairly since the seventh grade.
• Kyle Lohse, baseball’s final impact free agent on the market, signed a three-year, $33 million deal with the Milwaukee Brewers. Lohse will slot into the Brewers’ rotation alongside All-Star Yovani Gallardo in place of either converted reliever Wily Peralta or veteran Chris Narveson, providing the Brewers with an instant upgrade, and the Yankees with a potential trade target who hasn’t suffered a catastrophic injury in the past three weeks.
• Carson Palmer is reportedly unlikely to restructure his contract with the Oakland Raiders, leaving the franchise in the unenviable position of potentially cutting a player they recently traded a first- and second-round pick for. On the Al Davis scale of Oakland Raider Atrocities, this ranks an alarming six “Just Win, Babys.” Of course, the scale only goes from six to six, as Al Davis liked to ensure that all of his various atrocities could not be measured against each other, lest someone attempt to use his atrocity scale against him in a court of law.