In case you were busy figuring out how to eat a hat after watching Raul Ibanez hit his 22nd home run of the season, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday:

• The Atlanta Braves, powered by Justin Upton, put together a six-run 14th inning as they topped the Marlins, 7-1, in Miami. The loss sent the Marlins to 0-13 at home when their stadium’s retractable roof is open, proving definitively that God really doesn’t want to look at Marlins games until they put a real major league team back together.
• John Lannan threw eight shutout innings against his former team, as the Philadelphia Phillies held on for a 3-2 win over the Washington Nationals. “Those clowns in Washington can’t get anything done,” Lannan said after the game. “Meaningful immigration reform, RBI doubles, re-signing me to a lucrative contract, nothing.”
• After losing out in the Dwight Howard sweepstakes, the Lakers have restocked at center by signing Chris Kaman to a one-year deal. When asked why he chose to go to the Lakers, Kaman replied: “Everyone knows there’s a history of great big men in L.A. that is unparalleled. Also unparalleled is the history of pretty good big men who have come between them. Elden Campbell, Vlade Divac, Elmore Smith, and now Chris Kaman. It feels good to be a part of history.”
• UFC president Dana White has said that a rematch between Anderson Silva and newly crowned middleweight champion Chris Weidman will be the biggest fight in the organization’s history. Silva initially echoed White’s comments, before dropping his arms and adding, “Or not. It’ll be a garbage fight.” Then Silva made a really serious face and added, “No, seriously, I want my belt back and I will take it by force.” Then he hopped around like a bunny rabbit and said, “Or, perhaps I shall graze upon this field of lettuces instead, lest that childish Weidman think he might thwart me again.” When asked about Silva’s comments, Weidman responded, “I don’t know, if he let’s me punch him in the face again, that would be nice.”
• Brewers center fielder Carlos Gomez robbed Joey Votto of a potential game-winning home run, giving Milwaukee a narrow 4-3 win over the Cincinnati Reds. “Brutal day,” said Votto as he gave his postgame interview in his underwear. “But hey …” Suddenly, Votto was interrupted by the clubhouse doors swinging open. “You gotta go out there and get ’em tomorrow,” yelled Gomez before running around the visitors’ clubhouse with his hand in the air. Votto sighed, “Son of a bitch took the words right out of my mouth,” before he turned to see that Gomez had also absconded with the Reds’ slugger’s pants.