In case you were busy watching a yule log DVD in a misguided attempt to stay warm, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday.

• The Miami Heat stormed back from 15 points down against the Toronto Raptors, winning in overtime, 123-116. LeBron James, who got his 34th career triple-double in the win, said afterward, “I used to be completely terrified of dinosaurs, so this sort of comeback wouldn’t have been possible even a couple of years ago. But for some reason spending a lot of time around my boy Ol’ T-Rex Bosh made me pretty comfortable with the idea of dropping a big game on some scary looking lizards.”
• Stephen Curry scored 31 points and got a key steal late to lead his Golden State Warriors to a 104-99 win over Kevin Durant and the Oklahoma City Thunder. “It’s not fair,” Durant said after the game, fighting back tears. “Doesn’t Steph know that stealing is wrong?” Thunder coach Scott Brooks then sat Durant down and explained to him that sometimes life isn’t fair, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth trying to be honorable. Then Brooks reminded Kevin Durant that he stole the ball from Harrison Barnes in the second quarter. “But that was totally different,” Durant responded before thinking about it a little more. “Well, not totally different, I guess.” Brooks and Durant then shared a smile, before Brooks rubbed Durant’s head and while commending him for being such a trouper.
• The Los Angeles Lakers lost again, this time to the Memphis Grizzlies, 106-93. Lakers coach Mike D’Antoni refused to address the media after the game, choosing instead to lock himself in his office and play Johnny Cash’s cover of “Hurt” on repeat. Lakers guard Kobe Bryant chose another tack to deal with his disappointment, and decided to lock himself and point guard Steve Blake in the locker room. Bryant then put Stealers Wheel’s Stuck in the Middle With You on repeat while he sharpened a straight razor and looked for his “ear collecting sack.”
• The New York Rangers got their first win of the NHL season, a 4-3 overtime victory, against the Boston Bruins at Madison Square Garden. Rangers winger Marian Gaborik finished a hat trick with an overtime winner, after Bruins goalie and Klingon warrior Tuukka Rask allowed him to score on a rebound 27 seconds into the overtime period. “JIH’e’ vonlu’,” (I alone fail utterly) Rask bellowed after the game before beginning the ritual of hegh’bat, in which he would take his own life to restore his honor.
• The top-ranked Duke Blue Devils were routed by the Miami Hurricanes on the road, 90-63. “90-63, nice. I knew we had this one in the bag. Must have been a big game from big Mason Plumlee; time to get wasted,” said Duke sophomore Clayton Davis VI after his fraternity brother Wilson Havemeyer told him the scoreline. After Havemeyer told him that Duke had lost by that scoreline, Davis said, “90-63, terrible, but I knew we were due for a letdown. Must have been an awful game from that loser Mason Plumlee; time to get wasted.”
• Li Na upset Maria Sharapova with stunning ease, 6-2, 6-2 in their Australian Open semifinal match. The 25-year-old veteran Sharapova said after the match, “Tennis is a young woman’s game, and sometimes late in a major, I don’t have the legs I need anymore to impose my will on these kids.” The 31-year-old Na later responded to Sharapova’s comments, saying bitterly, “I guess we all now know what happens when you blow off Li Na’s birthday party: You get made a fool of twice.”
• Chelsea star Eden Hazard was sent off after an altercation with a teenage ballboy, thwarting his team’s attempt to overcome a 2-0 deficit against Swansea in the second leg of their League Cup semifinal. Before you condemn Mr. Hazard, is it not the highest form of honor to teach a young scamp a lesson in respecting the integrity of the game of football? And who among us hasn’t, in a moment of true desperation such as a League Cup semifinal, kicked a teenager in the chest? Do we not all live in glass houses? Who among us is so pure as to be able to condemn a multimillionaire for kicking a volunteer in the chest during a game of soccer? Oh, sorry, those questions were not at all rhetorical, and the answers were no, no one, I guess generally but not in this case, and everyone.
• San Francisco 49ers running back Frank Gore was fined $10,500 for wearing his socks too low in the NFC Championship Game. In probably unrelated news, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell was seen driving a used 2010 Hyundai Elantra that he reportedly paid for in cash that he claimed to have “found in the back of his sock drawer, if you know what I mean, wink wink.”
• Former Raider and first overall draft pick JaMarcus Russell is attempting an NFL comeback. Though no team has expressed formal interest, new Arizona Cardinals head coach Bruce Arians reportedly said, “After all the video I’ve gone through since taking over, I have to say that JaMarcus could probably start for us tomorrow,” before he locked himself in his office and put Johnny Cash’s cover of “Hurt” on repeat.