About Last Night: The Unstoppable Spurs
In case you were busy watching a pirate take forever to subdue a baby bear, here are the six biggest stories in sports you missed on Wednesday:
In important basketballing:
The San Antonio Spurs extended their winning streak to 19 games with a relatively easy 111-90 win over the Golden State Warriors, while the New York Knicks dominated their intracity matchup with the Brooklyn Nets 110-81. “I love winning streaks,” Spurs coach Gregg Popovich said after the game. “The bigger the winning streak, the bigger the flames when I light it on fire by resting everyone. And oh, I will. When you least expect it. I will rest everyone. For I am Gregg, destroyer of streaks and dreams! And you shall tremble before my awesome power of making tall men sit!”
In NO, NO, NO, NO, NO STOP WHY:
The Miami Heat beat the Milwaukee Bucks, 96-77, and LeBron James did this:
Gah! No, no, no, no, no. Not fair, LeBron. Not fair.
Gah! No, no, no, no, no. Show me any other picture of Russell Wilson. NO! THAT’S SOMEHOW WORSE! WHAT THE HELL, RUSS?
In intracontinental football clashes:
Cristiano Ronaldo and Real Madrid handled Borussia Dortmund with ease, winning the first leg of their Champions League quarterfinal 3-0, while in meaningless friendly action, America and Mexico drew 2-2 after a series of American defensive gaffes allowed Mexico to overcome an early two-goal deficit. Wait, why would these two stories be paired? There’s no overlap between them at all … Unless … American defensive gaffes … Cristiano Ronaldo … American defensive gaffes … Cristiano Ronaldo … American defensive gaffes … Cristiano Ronaldo … [Frantically tacks up World Cup schedule to wall.] Hmmm. I think there’s something here. [Tacks up dossiers and newspaper clippings about Geoff Cameron and Ronaldo, connecting them with multicolored lengths of string.] Guys, I’m close on this one. [Paces, chain-smokes, and sips coffee. Stares meaningfully at wall. Whispers “Carcosa.” Drops coffee cup and watches it shatter on the ground.] Wait a second, America has to play Ronaldo at the World Cup. And he is capable of exploiting American defensive gaffes. Oh. That was it the whole time. Yeah, that’s bad news, I guess. Really should not have taken me four sleepless nights to figure that out, though.
In those last few games before the sweet nectar of playoff hockey returns:
Red-hot Gustav Nyquist burned Zdeno Chara to score the winning goal for the Detroit Red Wings, who topped the Boston Bruins, 3-2, in a crucial game for the Eastern Conference playoff race. “More like Zeno Charred-a,” said Nyquist after the game with a smile before quickly adding, “No, I guess it’s less like that. Because the ‘D’ is in his first name. Never mind.”
In important baseballing:
On a night full of walk-offs and low-scoring affairs, the best duel came early as Matt Garza and Aaron Harang both had no-hitters through six innings, with Chris Johnson’s home run proving the difference as Harang’s Braves grabbed a 1-0 win over the Milwaukee Brewers. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go see what the deal with this “iPhone” thing is because Aaron Harang won the day’s best pitching duel. I mean we used to have Cash, Hope, and Jobs, but we still have Jobs because Aaron Harang just won the day’s best pitching duel. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have high hopes for this Spider-Man 3, Shrek the Third double-feature I’m going to go see because Aaron Harang just won the day’s best pitching duel. Also, what is Grantland? GUYS? WHERE AM I WRITING? AARON HARANG JUST WON THE DAY’S BEST PITCHING DUEL???