In case you were busy reinventing the kneel-down, much to your own detriment, here’s what you missed in sports last weekend:

• In a battle of the league’s best defenses, the Seattle Seahawks leveraged a record-setting home-field advantage to pull away from the San Francisco 49ers and stake an early-season claim as NFC West favorites with a 29-3 win. “LET ME ANSWER YOUR QUESTION WITH A QUESTION,” Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll shouted in his postgame press conference, before being asked a question. “THAT WAS A FUN WAY TO WIN A GAME.” After a reporter told him that wasn’t a question, Carroll yelled his signature catchphrase, “PETE CARROLL PETE CARROLL PETE CARROLL,” before doing a set of jumping jacks so vigorously that he disappeared into the fabric of space-time itself.
• In a Manning family battle, Peyton’s Denver Broncos put together a big second half en route to a 41-23 win over Eli’s New York Giants. “It’s a good win, but it’s just a win. I don’t take any extra pleasure in beating my brother,” Peyton said after the game while sitting on Eli’s chest. Peyton then added, “We’re 2-0 now, and our ultimate goal is getting to New York and winning a Super Bowl,” as he licked his index finger and stuck it into Eli’s ear. Peyton concluded his statement by saying “proud of my teammates today, proud of the coaching staff and their game plan, go Broncos,” before grabbing his younger brother’s wrist and making him hit himself, while cruelly asking Eli, who had already suffered through a four-interception game, why he was hitting himself.
• Despite a career day from reigning Heisman Trophy winner Johnny Manziel, Texas A&M couldn’t outscore Alabama’s offense in a 49-42 loss. “Yeah, but come on, how ’bout that backdoor cover?” Manziel said after the game with a laugh and a wink. When asked if he was being serious, Manziel said, “You bet,” with another laugh and another wink. When asked if he was genuinely insinuating that he bet on himself, Manziel said, “Gotta get that paper,” before laughing and winking yet again. When asked why he would potentially bring himself more scrutiny after a controversial offseason, Manziel said, “If you can’t prove it, you gotta groove it,” before laughing and winking again. When asked if this was just a cry for help from a young man dealing with fame beyond his emotional capacities, Manziel said, “You bet,” with a particularly infuriating laugh and a wink, before adding “I bet,” with one final laughing-wink combo. Manziel then tossed a handful of homemade “Johnny Dollars,” each emblazoned with his winking face taped over George Washington’s, to the assembled reporters before walking out of the press conference laughing.
• The Oakland A’s finished off a sweep of the Rangers with a 5-1 win, leaving them 6½ games ahead in the AL West race, while the Rangers are tied with the Rays in an increasingly tight AL wild-card race. Meanwhile, sometime in the first century AD, Pete Carroll appeared at the Circus Maximus. “WHAT IS THIS? SOME KIND OF WILD-CARD RACE?” Carroll yelled, as the patricians who surrounded him looked at him dumbly. “I DON’T SPEAK LATIN, OK, BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN I WON’T STOP GRINDING. PETE CARROLL WILL INGRATIATE HIMSELF TO YOUR CULTURE! PETE CARROLL PETE CARROLL PETE CARROLL.” Carroll then hopped, mounted a steed, and rode it so quickly that both he and the horse disappeared into thin air.
• Despite a somewhat controversial split decision, Floyd Mayweather looked comfortable beating Canelo Alvarez as he maintained his undefeated record and unified the junior middleweight world titles. Mayweather’s continued dominance raises the question, are we sure that boxing is self-selecting the best potential opponents for Mayweather? Or has the sport become marginalized to the point that not enough great athletes are pursuing careers in the ring? Which raises the follow-up idea: Perhaps I should have pursued a career in boxing; maybe if I were to slim down I’d be able to compete with Mayweather in the ring. Which raises the immediate follow-up answer: no, oh my word, no. No. No, no, no. No.
• Yakult Swallows outfielder Wladimir Balentien blasted his 56th and 57th home runs to break Sadaharu Oh’s 49-year-old single-season Japanese record. For my money though, the real Japanese home run king will always be Pete Carroll, who mysteriously appeared in Japan in 1938 and hit 11 home runs before the schedule was unfairly expanded from two 40-game half-seasons. Carroll then disappeared just as mysteriously after the season during one of his legendary calisthenics routines, which later famously became the foundation for Ichiro Suzuki’s training regimen. Asterisks for everyone else!
• Michigan narrowly escaped a massive upset, squeaking past Akron in Ann Arbor, 28-24, to preserve its undefeated record. “Everyone believed in us,” said Michigan head coach Brady Hoke. “We had nothing to put on the bulletin board. This isn’t a special victory. We gave far less than 110 percent, took it about three games at a time, played outside of ourselves, and overcame absolutely no adversity.” Hoke then told his players to stay out of the film room, so that they would be unprepared for their upcoming game against someone that Hoke would look up on his iPhone around Wednesday.
• Clay Buchholz moved to 11-0 as Boston completed a sweep of the Yankees, eliminating New York from the AL East divisional race with a 9-2 win at Fenway Park. “Well, at least we know it’s over and can finally go our separate ways,” said Yankees general manager Brian Cashman to third baseman Alex Rodriguez while boarding the team plane after the game. A confused Rodriguez then reminded Cashman that the team remained in the wild-card hunt, and that he had four more seasons left on his contract after this one. Cashman nodded at this new information, taking a moment to really process it, before breaking down in tears. “I can’t do this year anymore, Alex,” Cashman sobbed into the third baseman’s chest. “Please let it be over, just let it be over.” Rodriguez, unaccustomed to confronting genuine human emotion, stood awkwardly still as Cashman held him tight, before offering him a comforting pat on the back. “There, there,” Rodriguez said to his visibly distraught general manager. “It’ll be OK. We can work through this.” But Cashman didn’t stop crying until well after Rodriguez had gone to hide in the team plane’s lavatory.
• Oregon dominated the Tennessee Volunteers at Autzen Stadium, winning 59-14 in a game that was not as close as the final score indicated. “PAC-12 FOOTBALL! DOMINATION! PETE CARROLL!” Pete Carroll said as he appeared out of thin air in the press box at halftime. Once he got his bearings and realized where he was in both time and space, he raised his arms in triumph. “I’M CLOSE TO HOME! YEEHAW PETE CARROLL PETE CARROLL PETE CARROLL,” Carroll yelled to no one in particular before spending the next 18 hours running to Seattle, where he planned to resume his life from the moment he disappeared. However, since he arrived in the city a couple of hours early, he put on a disguise and watched himself coach his team to victory before heading home to get some sleep after an unexpectedly long day.