About Last Weekend: Oregon Quacks Themselves Out of the Title Game

Marcus MariotaIn case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports over the weekend.

  • No. 13 Stanford stymied no. 2 Oregon’s vaunted offense and all but ended the Ducks’ national title hopes with a 17-14 overtime upset. In what can only be called a copycat crime, an enraged Oregon fan used pesticide in an attempt to poison the famous Stanford tree, and was undeterred when the tree kept yelling “I’m a person! I’m a mascot!”
  • The no. 1 Kansas State Wildcats also fell from the ranks of the undefeated, losing in a shocking 52-24 blowout to unranked Baylor. In the postgame press conference, a despondent Collin Klein seemed to be speaking in riddles as crazy laughter echoed from an unknown source in the ceiling. “In sleep he sang to me,” Klein began. “In dreams he came. The voice that calls to me and speaks my name. And do I dream again? For now I find … the Phantom Michael Bishop is there … inside my mind.”
  • Notre Dame and Alabama now hold the top two spots in the BCS rankings and control their own title game destinies. “We live in an age where Notre Dame can’t compete for a national title,” said one sad pundit, all by himself, still wearing his “2009” goggles from a New Year’s celebration.
  • With Ben Roethlisberger on the sideline, the Baltimore Ravens pounded the Steelers into submission, winning 13-10 to open up a two-game lead in the AFC North. Steelers players admitted that they missed Big Ben in the lineup, and also mentioned that the sideline gets “super creepy” when he’s not in the game.
  • Brad Keselowski finished 15th at Homestead-Miami Speedway to secure his first Sprint Cup championship. After the race, he revealed to the crowd that he was an English dandy named Bradley Kimberley and had been faking a Southern accent just to fit in. “You’re so brave!” yelled a man he’d planted in the audience, while the rest formed an impromptu mob.
  • Tom Brady threw three touchdown passes and Andrew Luck threw three interceptions as the Patriots clobbered the Colts 59-24. “I’m trying so hard to hate you as much as Peyton,” Bill Belichick said to Luck in the postgame handshake. “So, so hard.” Luck winced and asked him to please stop squeezing his hand.
  • Broncos linebacker Von Miller notched three sacks and two forced fumbles to lead the Broncos to a 30-23 win over the Chargers. “Coach, should we maybe assign Miller an extra blocker?” a San Diego assistant asked head coach Norv Turner. “No,” said Turner, staring straight ahead. “That’s just what they’d expect us to do.” An awkward pause ensued, after which the assistant cleared his throat and asked, “Coach, was that an Airplane reference, or, uh … ?” “A who?” asked Turner.
  • The University of Maryland Board of Regents will meet this morning to decide whether the school will leave the ACC and join the Big Ten. Maryland fans are in full support of the move, and even released a statement saying it will be a delight to shock Midwestern sensibilities with their extreme brand of hatred, filthy language, and battery-throwing.
  • Kevin Durant registered his first career triple-double (25 points, 13 boards, 10 assists) as the Thunder topped the Warriors 119-109. Meanwhile, a Sonics fan in Seattle said good-bye to his last tiny shred of satisfaction.
  • In the biggest upset of college basketball’s opening two weeks, freshman point guard Marcus Smart (20 points, seven rebounds, seven assists, four blocks, four steals) led unranked Oklahoma State to a 76-56 win over no. 6 North Carolina State. On the way home from Puerto Rico, Wolfpack center Richard Howell was detained for several hours after fouling the airplane three times while trying to board.

Filed Under: About Last Weekend, Baltimore Ravens, Denver Broncos, Indianapolis Colts, Kansas State, Nascar, New England Patriots, Notre Dame, Oklahoma State, Oregon, Pittsburgh Steelers, San Diego Chargers, Stanford