In case you were busy accidentally watching a performance art piece in which the notion of sports was approached from many perspectives without any sports actually happening, here’s what you missed in sports last weekend:

• The Miami Heat bounced back from their Game 1 defeat to even the NBA Finals with a 103-84 win over the San Antonio Spurs. Despite the win, questions must be asked of LeBron James, who was held to only 17 points, and I’m not afraid to be the one to take it right to James and throw it down, to split this whole issue wide open, so …

   
  OH ARE THERE QUESTIONS? LOOK AT THE RING ON MY FINGER AND ASK ME A QUESTION. HUH? WHAT QUESTION DO YOU HAVE TO ASK THE KING? IS IT “WHO BROKE INTO YOUR HOUSE AND ANSWERED ALL YOUR QUESTIONS?” BECAUSE I THINK THAT’S THE QUESTION YOU SHOULD BE ASKING.

  Holy crap guys. I’m not positive, but based on the welt on my forehead and the above text, I think LeBron James just came out of nowhere, broke into my house, knocked me out, and typed up a vicious and unexpected rejection to my question. Well, um, asked and answered. I’m going to go lock my door. Moving on.

• Rafael Nadal continued his unprecedented run of dominance at Roland Garros, winning his eighth French Open title before grabbing an additional 6-3, 6-2, 6-3 victory over David Ferrer in a French ritual known as La Bataille de L’insignifiance, which dates back to the days of Napoleon. The tradition states that once a French conqueror has been established through the climactic maelstrom of war, he is granted the opportunity to take a man very similar to himself but lesser in every way, beat him senseless in a meaningless battle that is a foregone conclusion, then give the vanquished man a large plate.
• The Chicago Blackhawks vanquished the Los Angeles Kings with a Patrick Kane double-overtime goal to advance to their second Stanley Cup final in four years, where they will face the Boston Bruins. “Everybody’s heard of Blackhawks going down, but who has ever heard of them going up?” asked Chicago coach Joel Quenneville. “Seriously, guys, are we the first Blackhawks to ever go up? If so, I’m scared of both heights and the unknown, so I really hope we come down soon.”
• Serena Williams won her second French Open title, fighting past Maria Sharapova, 6-4, 6-4. It was Sharapova’s 13th straight loss to Serena, but Sharapova was positive after the match saying, “Unlucky 13, you know? That leaves lucky 14 ahead. Which I suppose leads to devastating 15. Heartbreaking 16. Embarrassing 17. Shameful 18. Think I’ve Got It Pulled Together, But No 19. And then hopefully she’ll retire, because I don’t think I’ll be able to handle no. 20.”
• Jimmie Johnson recorded his third win of the season at Pocono, leading 128 of 160 laps in a dominant performance. The only question as Johnson again sits at the top of the NASCAR Sprint Cup standings is whether he is the most dominant athlete in professional sports …

   
  OH I’M SORRY. DID YOU SUGGEST THAT JIMMIE JOHNSON IS THE MOST DOMINANT ATHLETE IN PROFESSIONAL SPORTS? IS THAT YOUR QUESTION? GET THAT WEAK QUESTION OUT OF HERE. I THINK YOUR QUESTION IS “HOW DID LEBRON JAMES GET BACK IN YOUR HOUSE AFTER YOU LOCKED YOUR DOOR?”

  Um, guys, how did LeBron James get back in my house after I locked my door? Also, I’m developing a theory as to how LeBron is so dominant. Hopefully he doesn’t come back again to prove it, because my head is pounding.

• It took 20 innings, but the Miami Marlins beat the New York Mets, 2-1, on Saturday, in a game started for the Mets by phenom Matt Harvey, who was forced to leave with a twinge in his lower back. Fortunately, Harvey is reportedly fine, so let’s all take a moment to revel in the Metsiness of this Mets loss, featuring the Metsiest pitching performance of all time. Shawn Marcum, who came into the game with an 0-6 record, threw eight innings of relief, giving up only five hits, while striking out seven and walking none. Naturally, he gave up an RBI single to Adeiny Hechavarria in the 20th inning and fell to 0-7. For accomplishing something so Metsy, Marcum is allowed the rare honor of being Mr. Met for a day, during which he can amble sadly through Flushing Meadows Corona Park and reflect at the Queens Botanical Garden with the anonymity that only wearing a giant baseball on your head can bring.
• Brad Evans delivered the decisive goal in the 92nd minute, as the U.S. men’s national team earned a critical 2-1 win at Jamaica and moved to the top of the CONCACAF World Cup qualifying group. The goal, the latest winner in USMNT World Cup qualifying history, provoked elation among the players on the pitch, and provoked erstwhile USMNT winger Landon Donovan to watch a YouTube compilation titled “Landon Donovan Skills/Goals 2010” and smile to himself before saying to no one in particular, “You still got it Land-bro. You still got it.”
• Despite going off at 13-1, Palace Malice upset Derby and Preakness winners Oxbow and Orb at the Belmont Stakes. The title appears to be going to Palace Malice’s head as he is reportedly changing his name to Metta World Palace Malice …

   
  OH YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. DID YOU REALLY JUST MAKE THAT JOKE? COULDN’T HAVE GONE WITH SOMETHING ABOUT HOW TIM DONAGHY OFFICIATED THE MALICE AT THE PALACE GAME, AND PROBABLY HAD MONEY ON THE RACE? I REJECT YOUR PUNCH LINE, MUCH LIKE I REJECT YOUR HIDE-A-KEY ROCK ON YOUR PORCH. IT’S NOT EVEN WITH ANY REAL ROCKS. THAT WAS A VERY EASY SITUATION FOR ME TO ANALYZE AND EXPLOIT. KING JAMES OUT.

  Guys. Guys. Guys. I don’t know exactly what just happened, and again I have a splitting headache. But I think I know two things: First, LeBron’s joke premise was better than mine even if he didn’t craft it at all. Second and way more importantly: All-caps? Unstoppable athleticism and endurance? The ability to figure out where my Hide-A-Key was? The complete destruction of Tiago Splitter? Poorly crafted jokes? Guys. I’m pretty sure LeBron James is a robot.