In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports over the weekend.

• Quarterback Logan Thomas led no. 16 Virginia Tech back from the brink of defeat with two key drives as the Hokies beat Georgia Tech 17-14 in overtime. Unfortunately, the celebrations on the Blacksburg campus got a little out of hand late Monday night when Virginia Tech students began throwing upholstered hay bales out their dorm windows.
• In the marquee match of the opening weekend in college football, no. 2 Alabama humiliated no. 8 Michigan 41-14 at Cowboys Stadium. “And thank God,” said a grinning Nick Saban, “because humiliation is the only thing that makes me happy. That, plus videos of ants at war. Don’t ask me why.”
• Rory McIlroy held on through a nervy finish to beat Tiger Woods and Louis Oostuizen at the Deutsche Bank Championship with a -20. With a third-place finish, Woods became the first golfer in PGA history to eclipse the $100 million mark in career winnings. That also widens the gap on the women’s side, where Elin Nordegren’s winnings now double the career totals of runner-up Annika Sorenstam.
• Le’Veon Bell rushed for 210 yards as no. 13 Michigan State held off a strong effort by no. 13 Boise State to win 17-13. OK, now it’s time for the daily joke from newly returned writer Terrence the Grantland Robot, who is overcoming bitterness and still can’t type in lowercase letters: “HEY SHANE PERHAPS THE BOISE STATE GUYS COULD HAVE WON WERE IT NOT FOR THE MASSIVE IDAHO POTATOES SHOVED — ” OK, Terrence, I’m going to stop you right there. That was clearly not going in a positive direction. Once again, I apologize to the readers.
• Kris Medlen moved to 6-0 as a starter with a complete-game, 12-strikeout performance in a 6-1 Braves win over the Rockies. Afterward, Rockies manager and former Scooby-Doo villain Jim Tracy snarled as he left the locker room. “Yeah, I tried to win!” he growled. “I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for that Medlen kid!”
• The Yankees free fall continued through the long weekend, and their lead over the Orioles is now one game after a 4-3 loss to James Shields (8 IP, 5 H, 3 ER) and the Rays on Monday. Even A-Rod’s return to the lineup couldn’t stop the collapse, though to be fair, he was still pretty tired from partying at ‘Blades, New York’s only roller blade nightclub, all weekend.
• Justin Verlander outpitched Chris Sale in a meeting of Cy Young contenders, throwing eight strong innings as the Tigers won 4-2 to sweep the White Sox and tighten the AL Central race. “I outgruffed him,” said the gruff Verlander gruffly. “Verily, ’tis true,” Sale admitted, “that upon this day, Justin’s gruffness hath outshone me, e’en as a thund’rous cloud may blot Apollo’s fair sun, and rays of precious sun are chang’ed for bolts of jagged light.”
• Serena Williams advanced to the quarterfinals of the U.S. Open with a perfect 6-0, 6-0 win over Andrea Hlavackova, while on the men’s side Mardy Fish withdrew due to heart-related issues, handing Roger Federer a walkover to the quarters. According to sources, Federer had prepared an extravagant walk for the occasion, and was disappointed to learn that the term “walkover” came with no corresponding ceremony.
• Ricky Stenhouse Jr. used a late duel between Brad Keselowski and Kevin Harvick to pass both drivers and win at the Atlanta Motor Speedway. Predictably, the thrilling finish renewed the debate about whether NASCAR drivers should be allowed to carry dueling pistols in the car.
• In their first game since the Sandusky scandal rocked the school, the Penn State Nittany Lions were upset at home by Ohio, 24-14. Or, as it’s being reported in Happy Valley, the Penn State Nittany Lions triumphed by negative 10 points as Joe Paterno transformed himself into a round little man named Bill O’Brien and engineered a brilliant negative fourth-quarter comeback just days before the prophesied arrival of the spaceship that will take all Penn State fans to Footballia, the paradise planet where the Great Joseph will rule the heavens for millenniums.