About Last Weekend: Heat Wave Continues

Issac Baldizon/NBAE/Getty Images Ray Allen

In case you were busy trying to remember Della Reese’s name (it’s Della Reese), here’s what you missed in sports last weekend.

  • Despite an off night from LeBron James, his Miami Heat got their 18th consecutive win, 105-91, over the Indiana Pacers. After the game, diminutive Heat point guard Mario Chalmers, who led his team with 26 points, said, “Finally, it’s my Miami Heat.” Chalmers beamed and pointed at himself with both thumbs until Heat forward Chris Bosh patronizingly patted him on the head, saying, “Sure it is, little buddy.” Chalmers sulked away as both Bosh and Dwyane Wade laughed at his expense. “Why won’t they let me have this?” Chalmers asked himself while crouched inside of his locker.
  • Indiana won a thriller in Ann Arbor to take home the Big Ten championship, beating the Michigan Wolverines, 72-71. Michigan point guard Trey Burke’s potential game-winning layup hung on the rim, bouncing three times before falling out, costing him and his team a share of the Big Ten title in what might be his last regular season game as a member of the Wolverines. So in case you find yourself talking to Trey Burke at some point in the next 20 years, now you’ll know exactly what he’s replaying in his mind while he stares off into the distance with a glazed-over look in his eye.
  • The Oklahoma City Thunder surged past the Boston Celtics, 91-79, behind a stellar two-way effort from Kevin Durant. Former Thunder forward Jeff Green was rendered particularly ineffective for Boston, going only 2-11 from the field. “We were blood brothers, and blood brothers know what happens when they leave,” Durant said after the game. When Green was asked about whether he and Durant were blood brothers, he replied, “Yeah, I mean, Kevin does that to everyone who comes in. He’s a little needy, but it’s not really that much blood. I wish he’d understand that I was traded against my will, though. I do take my blood oaths as seriously as anybody.”
  • Duke took down rival North Carolina, 69-53, in Chapel Hill to solidify their claim for a no. 1 seed in the upcoming NCAA tournament. “Wait, we had to solidify our claim for a no. 1 seed?” asked Duke sophomore Willford “TP” Charmin VII. “I just assumed that’s the sort of thing that just happens for Duke, like high-paying jobs in the finance industry, country club membership, and ‘boys will be boys’ police scrutiny. Oh, man, I guess the world outside Durham is hard.”
  • Georgetown ended its decades-long intraconference rivalry with Syracuse, winning at home, 61-39. Syracuse coach Jim Boeheim took responsibility for his team’s effort after the game, explaining, “All week leading up to this game, I kept saying, ‘Stay within the parameters of the 2-3 on offense,’ when I meant, ‘Stay within the parameters of the 2-3 on defense.’ Apparently, everyone was really confused.” Boeheim then asked the assembled press, “Am I not approachable? I think of myself as a soft and kind man. Questions are allowed in practice. I guess I should be more clear about that, too, because this was an embarrassing evening for me on a number of levels.”
  • Tiger Woods held off Steve Stricker and a star-studded leaderboard at the WGC-Cadillac Championship at Doral, winning his 76th career tournament, at 19-under. The win was Woods’s second in four PGA starts this year, while Stricker’s second-place finish was his second in three PGA starts this year. “Oh, he may think he has me beat, but what about this,” the usually mild-mannered Stricker said after the match, rolling up the sleeve on his polo shirt to reveal a dead tiger tattooed on his arm. Stricker then laughed before explaining that he and Tiger are good friends, and that he actually got the tattoo as part of a fundraiser for his big cat conservatory, Strick’s Stricken Kittens. “But how often can you lift up your shirt and meaningfully threaten another man? he asked. “Less often when you’re Steve Stricker, let me tell you.”
  • Injuries finally caught up to the streaking Chicago Blackhawks as they lost their first two games of the NHL season in regulation, 6-2, to the Colorado Avalanche, and 6-5 to the Edmonton Oilers. “The key to our winning streak was not allowing six goals in a game,” Blackhawks coach Joel Quenneville said. “So I think we’ll be targeting that in practice going forward. When you’ve given up the fifth goal, stop giving up goals.”
  • Bernard Hopkins once again became the oldest man to win a major title in boxing, capturing the IBF light-heavyweight championship at the age of 48. When told of the result and the adulation that Hopkins received, legendary golfer Tom Watson stared off into the distance and allowed his eyes to glaze over, before whispering, “Sink the putt, Stewart Cink, sink the putt, Stewart Cink,” to himself, as a single tear rolled down his cheek.
  • Canada and Mexico brawled in their World Baseball Classic matchup, as Canada was forced to run up the score on Mexico as a result of the WBC’s intricate tie-breaking system. The controversial system, which rewards tirades, angry hand gestures, and “moments when you have Satan living in your eyes,” unsurprisingly led to the elimination of both squads, as America and Italy easily advanced out of their group. “Angry hand gestures are in our bones, youze pizzolis,” said Italian-American manager Mike Piazza. “Get out of here with youze Canadian hand gestures already.”
  • Liverpool came back from a goal down to stun Tottenham Hotspur, 3-2, at Anfield. Steven Gerrard slotted home the game-winning penalty after Luis Suarez was fouled in the box, leaving the English media unable to describe the goal. “On the one hand, Steven Gerrard, but on the other hand, Luis Suarez,” said Mirror staff writer Jack Wicktinghamshire, who then shook his head for a solid minute before adding, “Well, at least Stewart Downing didn’t score again.” When told that Downing had in fact scored again, Wicktinghamshire let out a horrified yawp, before submitting a match report written entirely in emojiis.

Filed Under: About Last Weekend, Boston Celtics, Chicago Blackhawks, Duke, Georgetown, Indiana, Indiana Pacers, LeBron James, Liverpool, Miami Heat, North Carolina, Oklahoma City Thunder, Syracuse, Tiger Woods