About Last Weekend: Giants Give Cards the Bird
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports over the weekend.
- Ryan Vogelsong struck out a career-high nine batters through seven dominant innings as the Giants beat the Cardinals 6-1 to force a deciding Game 7 in the NLCS. Vogelsong’s name literally means “birdsong” in German, which is kinda funny when you consider they were playing the Cardinals. But it’s less funny when you learn that “Vogelsong” is a German euphemism for killing birds with poisoned food pellets. Ugh, Germany. Ugh. That’s just classic you.
- Jeff Driskel threw four touchdown passes as the no. 2 Florida Gators remained undefeated with a 44-11 blowout of no. 7 South Carolina. As of Monday, the result had not yet been reported by any South Carolina journalists due to the high risk of being fired by Steve Spurrier.
- Eli Manning hooked up with Victor Cruz for a 77-yard touchdown strike with 1:13 left, lifting the Giants over the Redskins 27-23. According to Robert Griffin III, Manning rattled him before the game by approaching with a broad smile and vowing to name his next son “Robert Griffin IV.”
- The Patriots moved into sole possession of first in the AFC East after surviving a Jets comeback and prevailing 29-26 in overtime. After the final whistle, Bill Belichick’s bifurcated tail twitched happily as he watched Tim Tebow suffer mild stigmata near the Jets bench.
- Venus Williams won the Luxembourg Open to break a two-year title drought and win her 44th career championship. “I’m so happy to win in such a silly, fake little country,” she said, beaming to the crowd. “I’m just sorry that you wonderful people will have to go back to your hillside cave dwellings and eat sod.”
- Tommy “Two Gloves” Gainey shot a final-round 60 — a course record — at Sea Island to win the McGladrey Classic over David Toms and Jim Furyk. Gainey’s nickname stems from the fact that, unlike most players, he wears two gloves while having sex.
- Collin Klein accounted for seven touchdowns — three passing, four rushing — as no. 4 Kansas State beat no. 13 West Virginia 55-14. “I hate to blame our scarecrows,” said WVU head coach Dana Holgorsen, “but they played like hell on defense today. Then again, not a single crow on the field for the entire game, so you have to look at both sides.”
- Jamison Crowder caught a fourth-down pass with 13 seconds remaining as Duke beat UNC 33-30 to qualify for the team’s first bowl game since 1994. The catch was made possible when UNC safety Tyler Zeller started too far back in the end zone, despite knowing a touchdown would win the game for Duke.
- The Boston Red Sox hired John Farrell, formerly of the Toronto Blue Jays, to be the club’s next manager. In response, the Blue Jays hired Will Ferrell to make a bad movie about them, because what the hell.
- Drew Brees threw four touchdown passes and Jonathan Vilma played for the first time this season as the Saints beat the Buccaneers 35-28. And now, Terrence the Grantland Robot: “I BET ROGER GOODELL WILL CHANGE THE SCORE OR SOMETHING. OK, BIG NEWS. REAL BIG NEWS. I CHALLENGED MY EX-GIRLFRIEND PENNY’S NEW BOYFRIEND TO A DUEL. YES, A ROBOT DUEL. IT IS A REAL THING. HE IS A WIND-POWERED ROBOT NAMED HEZEKIAH THORN. IT IS ALL SET FOR FRIDAY. I HAVE TO ADMIT I AM SLIGHTLY NERVOUS AS I HAVE JUST LEARNED THAT THORN HAS SURVIVED EIGHT DUELS ALREADY. THIS IS MY FIRST. BUT IT IS TIME TO DEFEND MY HONOR AND WIN BACK THE HEART OF PENNY.
- Matt Kenseth won for the second time in three races at Kansas Speedway, and Brad Keselowski kept a slim lead with four races remaining in the Chase for the Sprint Cup. “Looks like the KK boys did it again,” said Kenseth, slapping five with Keselowski. The clubhouse door opened, and pole winner Kasey Kahne poked his head in. “GET OUT!” screamed the other two. “DON’T EVEN SAY A WORD, KASEY. GET OUT NOW!”
Filed Under: About Last Weekend, Boston Red Sox, Drew Brees, Duke, Eli Manning, Kansas State, MLB Playoffs, Nascar, New England Patriots, New Orleans Saints, New York Giants, New York Jets, San Francisco Giants, South Carolina, St. Louis Cardinals, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, UNC, Washington Redskins, West Virginia