In case you were busy revamping your intimidation-based game plan, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday:

• The Houston Texans stormed back from 21 points down to beat the San Diego Chargers, 31-28. “I’m in Cleveland now,” yelled former San Diego head coach Norv Turner preemptively when picking up a phone call from a restricted number after the game. “God-forsaken Cleveland, OK? I used to be the head coach in San Diego, and now I’m here. Maybe it wasn’t all my fault, huh? Are you happy? ‘Cause I’m not,” before profusely apologizing to his new pastor when he realized the mistake he had made.
• Philadelphia head coach Chip Kelly’s first foray into the NFL was a successful one as his Eagles surged out early and held on late to beat Washington, 33-27. Kelly’s innovative offensive scheme, which he used to dominate the Pac-12 at Oregon, translated well to the NFL. However we still are waiting to hear MRI results for Washington defenders David Amerson, E.J. Biggers, Josh Wilson, DeAngelo Hall, Jerome Murphy, Jordan Pugh, Phillip Merling, Chris Baker, Stephen Bowen, Kedric Golston, Perry Riley, London Fletcher, Brandon Jenkins, Bryan Kehl, Ryan Kerrigan, Nick Barnett, Darryl Tapp, Barry Cofield, Brian Orakpo, Baccari Rambo, and Reed Doughty, all of whom suffered injuries while the Eagles were marching up and down the field.
• In a bruising conclusion to tennis’s Grand Slam season, Rafael Nadal overcame Novak Djokovic in four sets, 6-2, 3-6, 6-4, 6-1, to win the U.S. Open. The turning point in the match came in the eighth game of the third set, when Djokovic failed to convert a triple break point after Nadal had slipped and fallen. When asked how he kept his nerve in the moment, Nadal said, “I was sipping on Cava back in Mallorca, as I am wont to do, when I was startled by a passing lark. In the moment I dropped my glass, and it clattered upon my tile floor, yet did not shatter. And I said to myself, ‘Rafa, did the glass break?’ And then I said, ‘No, Rafa, the glass did not break.’ And then I said, ‘Rafa, is Rafa not stronger than glass?’ And then I said, ‘Yes, Rafa. Rafa is stronger than glass.’ And that’s when everything changed for me.”
• Gio Gonzalez threw a one-hitter as the Washington Nationals beat the New York Mets, 9-0. “We’re finally playing the way we expected to from day one, so for us the season starts today,” said Nationals manager Davey Johnson, before adding, “Um, which means we’re tied for the division lead then, yes? Everyone’s OK with that, yeah? Capisce? Could someone get Fredi Gonzalez down in Atlanta to say capisce?”
• Max Scherzer was again thwarted on his quest to become baseball’s first 20-game winner, as his Tigers fell to the Chicago White Sox, 5-1. The loss was either another shocking setback for the now 19-3 Cy Young front-runner, as he fell to a surprising gem from Chris Sale, who currently sits at 11-12. Or, it was a totally in-character blip of a bad outing for Scherzer, who currently has a 3.01 ERA and an xFIP of 3.14, and was up against a slightly better pitcher in Sale, who currently has a 2.90 ERA and an xFIP of 2.95. One of the two.
• A day after firing his defensive coordinator, Texas football head coach Mack Brown said, “You can look at it as panic. I’m trying to fix it.” As Texas’s football program has been dispiritingly average in the past few years of Brown’s tenure, it’s time for a crossover episode of everyone’s favorite About Last Night recurring feature, in which we remind America that Rick Barnes did not make the Sweet 16 with Kevin Durant on his team, “America, Rick Barnes Did Not Make the Sweet 16 With Kevin Durant on His Team.” America, Rick Barnes did not make the Sweet 16 with Kevin Durant on his team. [Vince Young stands in the corner awkwardly holding a crystal football.] Thus concludes a hot crossover episode of “America, Rick Barnes Did Not Make the Sweet 16 With Kevin Durant on His Team.”