In case you were busy hiding out in your ill-conceived meteor shower bunker, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday:

• Texas starter Yu Darvish came close to throwing a no-hitter in Houston, but had to settle for a 2-1 win over the Astros after it was broken up with a solo home run by catcher Carlos Corporan. “Carlos seems like a great guy,” Darvish said after the game, his lip quivering. “I totally get why my no-hitter would go and fly off with him. It makes total sense to me. I just — I just wish I knew what I’m doing wrong. If I could change who I am, I would. Really. Every time I get close to a no-hitter, it pulls away, and I never see it again. Then another no-hitter comes around, everything seems like it’s going great, and bam. Gone again. It shouldn’t be this hard.” Darvish then shook his head and smiled. “I guess that’s what makes it worth it, right? If it were easy, it wouldn’t be as meaningful. I get it. I really do. I really, really, really do.”
• Despite another late scare, David Robertson and the New York Yankees made Hiroki Kuroda’s gem hold up for a 2-1 win over the Los Angeles Angels. Robertson, who was visibly relieved after the game, said of his performance, “This team needed a pickup, and I am glad I could bring it. Got some great love from my teammates plus a weird call from a dude calling himself Brosh-Dog saying I’m ‘in on clutchtrueyanks.biz,’ whatever that means. Then I got a follow-up text saying not to tell Alex about clutchtrueyanks.biz because that would ruin it. Then I got some texts from my family. Then more texts about not telling Alex about some dumb website. Really though, I’m happy for the team and for Mo, that I’m able to give him a day off so he can come back strong. And also I think that website gave me a virus.”
• Reds starter Mat Latos continued his post–All-Star game tear with eight shutout innings as Cincinnati edged the Chicago Cubs, 2-0. “It’s so nice to succeed after the break,” Latos explained. “Did you know that the All-Star game counts? Oh man, I don’t think I could deal with that. No, I have to keep things in check early, so that I never have to face the pressure cauldron that is the Midsummer Classic. Any pitch I throw determines for an entire league who gets home-field advantage in the World Series? It’s cruel that any man should have to bear such a burden.”
• Miguel Cabrera homered in his fourth straight game, but it wasn’t enough for the Tigers, who fell to Chris Sale and the White Sox, 6-2. After the game, Cabrera, who is moving closer to a second consecutive Triple Crown, approached his dejected teammate Prince Fielder, and said, “Prince, you need to stop worrying about being the king. If you wish to one day hold my crown, you need to understand the balance and respect that all pitchers deserve.” Fielder shook his head and said, “But Miguel, don’t we eat pitchers like Chris Sale for lunch?” to which Cabrera responded in a sage baritone, “Yes, Prince, but let me explain. We eat those pitchers for lunch, but then they eat other hitters for lunch, and then we come back up and the cycle continues. It’s the circle of life, and it connects us all.” Fielder nodded as if he understood, before furrowing his brow and asking, “Wait, isn’t that just the batting order?” But Cabrera was already gone, having taken the form of a cloud.
• Closer Kenley Jansen helped the red-hot Dodgers win again, with a 4-2 victory over the New York Mets. Jansen, who has now struck out 13 of the past 17 batters he’s faced, said of his hot streak, “I took mercy on four men this month. Hopefully they will warn the others, and soon I will not have to pitch at all. Opponents shall come to me hat in hand, and I will accept their surrender with mercy, and allow them to live so long as they pay fealty to the great Jansen.”
• Sources suggest the SEC has 10 bowls secured for its members starting in the 2014 season. While that seems like a lot, it does set up a pretty awkward situation for lower-tier schools such as Kentucky when soup is served. Are they expected to wait for Georgia to finish its soup and then use a dirty bowl? Are they expected to just ladle the soup straight out of the pot? Does Kentucky just get no soup starting in 2014? Does Nick Saban just get 10 bowls for himself? Hopefully we’ll get more SEC bowl news soon.
• The University of Texas, despite relatively poor seasons in football and men’s basketball, remained the top earner in college merchandise royalties for the eighth consecutive year. This seems as good a time as any to air a guest-filled sneak peek of the upcoming season of everybody’s favorite About Last Night recurring feature in which we remind America that Rick Barnes did not make the Sweet 16 with Kevin Durant on his team, “America, Rick Barnes Did Not Make the Sweet 16 With Kevin Durant on His Team.” America, Rick Barnes did not make the Sweet 16 with Kevin Durant on his team. (Chris Mihm stands in the background, wearing sweatpants, dribbling a basketball.) Thus concludes a hot sneak peek of a brand new season of “America, Rick Barnes Did Not Make the Sweet 16 With Kevin Durant on His Team.”
• Before his game against the Yankees, Angels superstar Mike Trout came out strongly for increased sanctions for PED use, saying in an interview with WFAN, “I think you should be out of the game if you get caught.” A veteran ballplayer connected with PEDs, who wishes to remain anonymous, said of Trout’s statements, “Oh yeah, he says that now; kid’s 22? Hasn’t had to really work for his gifts. He’ll get there. The aches will come, then the injuries; all of a sudden he’s not the player he was. But the fans still want more and more and more, and they’ll deserve more because you’ve signed the biggest contract the game has ever seen. And they’re throwing dollars at you and rhyming your beloved nickname with fraud. So what are you going to do? You force a move to a big market so that you can prove you can handle the spotlight. But then people say you aren’t clutch, a ‘True Yankee.’ You try topless photo shoots in the park to show off your sweet chiseled bod. But that, for some reason, only makes people angrier. You kiss pictures of yourself looking in the mirror, to show that you’re just like anyone else. But people get the wrong idea, and don’t include you in their online message boards. So you make the choice to do what it takes to perform on the baseball field. The point is, let’s see where that kid’s at when he’s 38. I bet you he’s tried something to give himself an edge or my name isn’t Alex Rod— whoops, almost said too much.”