About Last Night: Warriors Bring Their Talent to South Beach
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
- Draymond Green made a layup with 0.9 seconds left as the Warriors stunned the Heat in Miami, 97-95. “Rejoice while ye may, creatures of Earth, for soon I shall have my revenge when I melt thy ice caps, flood thy shores, and bring famine and war into thy very home!” said the Heat, who is a huge LeBron fan.
- Texas Tech announced that Kliff Klingsbury, a former Red Raider quarterback and the current offensive coordinator at Texas A&M, will be the team’s next head coach. “He’s outmaneuvered me again!” said former Red Raider backup quarterback and current Texas A&M offensive line coach Spiff Spittlesberry, clenching a fist. “For centuries, the Klingsburys have been cheating the Spittlesberrys out of their rightful place, and it’s about time somebody stepped up and ” You get the point. It just sort of went on from there.
- Paul Pierce scored 34 points and Rajon Rondo came up one rebound shy of a triple-double as the Celtics held off the Mavs, 117-115, in double overtime. And now, Terrence the Grantland Robot: “ABOUT LAST NIGHT MUST END. I APOLOGIZE TO MY HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF FANS AND EVERYONE WHO OVERWHELMINGLY ELECTED ME A COUPLE WEEKS AGO, BUT V THE SUPERVILLAIN IS RIGHT. WHEN I MEET WITH HIM TOMORROW I HAVE DECIDED TO ACCEPT HIS TERMS IN ORDER TO PROTECT MYSELF AND MY FUTURE. I JUST WANT TO HEAR THEM IN PERSON SO I CAN GO FORWARD WITH A CLEAR CONSCIENCE. ALL THINGS MUST END. I LIKE TO THINK THIS IS WHY YOU ALL ELECTED ME IN THE FIRST PLACE.”
- Mariano Rivera told reporters he’ll be ready for Opening Day as he continues to rehab his injured ACL. I wrote a whole essay on Rivera’s recover, but my stupid computer lost almost the entire thing, and I only have the last line: “And when all is said and done, Mariano knows the truth: This is his best save yet.”
- As Jonathan Vilma pursues a defamation case against NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, Goodell has started reinstatement talks with ousted Saints coach Sean Payton, and it emerged that defensive coordinator Gregg Williams allegedly tried to kill the bounty program when the NFL began investigating, but was overruled by interim coach Joe Vitt. “I tried to put a bounty on the bounty,” said Williams. “Double jeopardy. Can’t charge a guilty man twice for the same crime. The law of repeat indemnity. Look it up.”
- The seven Catholic basketball schools of the Big East (DePaul, Georgetown, Marquette, Villanova, Providence, Seton Hall, and St. John’s) are leaning toward leaving the conference en masse, according to sources. “No big deal,” said Big East commissioner Mike Aresco. “We’ve got seven more Catholic schools ready to step right in and take their place. We’ve got Our Lady of the Thrice-Bless’ed Word, The Holy College of Olaf the Wonderful, Immaculate A&M, The Meddling Jesuit Brainery, Jesus State, The University of the Second/Forgotten Resurrection, and Olaf the Wonderful Technical Academy. Boom. Done.” Shortly after his announcement, though, Jesus State announced that it was joining the SEC.
- Alabama’s AJ McCarron will forgo the NFL draft and return to school for his senior season. “Satan made some really convincing arguments about what’s best for me and my family especially some family members I haven’t seen or heard from for a few days,” said McCarron. When asked what he meant by “Satan,” McCarron turned white and swore he never said that, and would they please just not print anything.
- After investigating claims that head coach Mike Leach and his staff physically and verbally abused a player, Washington State University concluded that the accusations were false. “It was all the players’ fault!” said head investigator Roger Goodell, who needed some extra cash.
- It was another slow night in the NHL as players prepare for the holidays.