About Last Night: The Lakers Continue to Be Terrible

Joakim NoahIn case you were busy spending your day off either volunteering with a local charity or watching Magnum, P.I. on Netflix, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday.

  • The Chicago Bulls heaped more misery on the struggling Los Angeles Lakers, beating them at the United Center, 95-83. “The in-fighting and name-calling has got to stop,” Lakers guard Kobe Bryant said after the game, “because no one is going to top Dwight Coward, which I just came up with.”
  • The Indiana Pacers earned a hard-fought 82-81 win at Memphis after George Hill knocked down the game-winning free throw following a questionable foul call. “There were bad calls all night long. All night, all night. All night long. All night. All night long, all night. All night long, oh yeah,” said R&B legend Lionel Richie. “But why are you at my house asking me about basketball?” Meanwhile, Grizzlies head coach Lionel Hollins, left alone at his postgame conference, asked, “Hello? Is it me you’re looking for?” to an unmanned television camera and a security guard named Clint.
  • The Golden State Warriors beat the Los Angeles Clippers, 106-99, in a battle of the two best basketball teams in California. “Man, this is one of the toughest losses ever for us hardcore Clips fans,” said self-proclaimed Clippers superfan Chad Whoriskey after the game. “And I’ve been a dyed-in-the-wool Cliphead since they moved to L.A. back in 2010.” When told that the Clippers had, in fact, been in L.A. since 1984, a soon to be disappointed Whoriskey was unfazed. “That’s sweet! More awesome Clips highlights to check out on YouTube. 28 years of excellence, probably!”
  • The Brooklyn Nets edged their interborough rivals, the New York Knicks, at Madison Square Garden, 88-85. As the season series between the two teams has ended 2-2, New York has been left without a clear winner in the battle between Manhattan and Brooklyn, putting tensions in the city at an all-time high. “I can’t ride the L train without getting the horn-rimmed glasses knocked right off my face,” said Brooklyn resident and experimental poet Peter Alagem. “And I don’t even like basketball.” “Yeah, I knocked that weirdo’s glasses off,” said investment banker and Manhattan resident Scott Wooster. “Sometimes you gotta defend your turf. But it wasn’t worth it at all, ’cause the guy just started describing the hate in my heart, and how it was like two cobras giving birth to my mother while she was giving birth to me. Totally weirded me out. And I don’t even like basketball.”
  • Syracuse kept up its winning ways, beating Cincinnati, 57-55, at the Carrier Dome. Star Syracuse guard Michael Carter-Williams led the way with 16 points, seven assists, and the three most boring names on the court.
  • In a “Battle for the Bills” hockey matchup between teams from the cities where the Buffalo Bills currently play their home games, the Buffalo Sabres topped the Toronto Maple Leafs, 2-1. The win, as was agreed to in the new NHL CBA, doomed the city of Buffalo to five more years of being the primary home of the Bills. “Why would they put that on us?” Sabres goalie Ryan Miller asked after the game. “That’s too much of a burden for any hockey team to bear.”
  • Falcons tight end Tony Gonzalez has announced his Hall of Fame–caliber career is “likely over” following Atlanta’s NFC Championship loss on Sunday. If Gonzalez does walk away, he’ll do so as the career leader among NFL tight ends in receptions, receiving yards, receiving touchdowns, and celebratory dunks over the crossbar that served as awkward reminders to everyone that he was really good at basketball, and totally could have played in the NBA if he wanted to, but he didn’t and never regretted the decision at all, so stop asking about it, but, OK, you can ask about it a little.
  • Cavaliers forward Anderson Varejao has been ruled out for the remainder of the season with a blood clot in his lung. “Well, Cleveland was due for a bit of bad sports news after riding high for so long,” said Cavaliers general manager Chris Grant, “so we’re thinking of this as a sort of heat check.” When asked if he was being sarcastic, Grant said, “Me? Sarcastic? Never,” before downing a glass of Crown Royal and launching into a mournful rendition of Lionel Richie’s “Say You, Say Me.”
  • The Maloof family has agreed to sell a controlling interest in their Sacramento Kings franchise to a consortium led by investor Chris Hansen that plans to move the team to Seattle under the old SuperSonics moniker. As Hansen signed the initial agreement, David Stern, who was sitting in on the negotiations cloaked in a black robe, said, “Good, good, strike Sacramento down, they are defenseless. Take your pen and let the hate course through you, and your journey to the dark side …” before Hansen asked him to sit outside if he wasn’t going to take the matter seriously. “You’ll find it is you who are sitting outside,” Stern said petulantly, before piping down and allowing the negotiations to continue.

Filed Under: About Last Night, Atlanta Falcons, Brooklyn Nets, Chicago Bulls, Cleveland Cavaliers, Golden State Warriors, Indiana Pacers, Los Angeles Clippers, Los Angeles Lakers, Memphis Grizzlies, New York Knicks, Sacramento Kings, Syracuse, Toronto Maple Leafs