In case you were out drunkenly explaining that Joel Schumacher was never a good enough director to “lose it Rob Reiner style,” here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.

• The Los Angeles Lakers were again bested by the Oklahoma City Thunder, 122-105. The Thunder played solid fundamental basketball, limiting themselves to only two turnovers on the night while shooting over 90 percent from the free throw line. “We give the fans what they want here in Oklahoma City,” said Kevin Durant after the game, before spending the rest of his night handing out small bags of baby carrots to kids asking for his autograph.
• The Philadelphia 76ers remained mired in a horrendous slump, losing for the ninth time in 10 games, 109-101, to the Boston Celtics. Avery Bradley had 22 points for the Celtics, and would’ve been given the game ball if he and his team hadn’t fled the Wells Fargo Center immediately after the win, fearing what an angry Philadelphia fan base might do to them if they lingered. Tragically, newly signed Celtics reserve Shavlik Randolph missed the team bus and was lucky to survive the ordeal, which he described as “more disappointing than Shavlik Randolph’s college career,” before bursting into tears.
• Real Madrid capped a stunning eight days of play that featured two wins against rival Barcelona, with a controversial 2-1 (3-2 agg.) victory at Old Trafford over Manchester United. After the match, though, all of the chatter surrounded a red card issued to United winger Nani for what was deemed a dangerous and reckless high boot. Because of the decision, Madrid manager Jose Mourinho was unusually contrite in his postgame remarks, saying, “the best team lost.” Mourinho then spun around and faced himself in a mirror. He then approached his reflection, caressed his visage gently with the back of his hand, and in a sultry baritone whispered, “That’s how you do it, Jose,” before blowing himself a pair of kisses. Mourinho then spun back toward the gathered media, regaining his composure. “We didn’t play well,” he said. “We didn’t deserve to win.”
• Indiana missed an opportunity to clinch the Big Ten regular season championship, losing at home to Ohio State, 67-58. Aaron Craft was electric on both ends of the court for the Buckeyes, ruining the Hoosiers’ Senior Night festivities. “It was really awkward, man,” Craft said after the game. “It’s like they didn’t even want us at their party. I went up to Zell at one point and was all like, ‘Hey, man, cool Senior Night,’ but he acted like he didn’t know who I was. College is a social minefield, man. It’s not at all like in the movies.”
• Marquette fended off a feisty Rutgers team, winning 60-54 in New Jersey. Jamil Wilson was electric on both ends of the floor, coming off the bench for the Golden Eagles and impressing the Rutgers faithful. “It was really awesome, man,” Wilson said after the game. “Everyone was super chill. I went up to [Rutgers guard Myles] Mack, and he got me a beer, and introduced me to, like, three girls. College is a social wonderland, man. It’s exactly like in the movies.”
• Borussia Dortmund was impressive in victory, dispatching Shakhtar Donetsk, 3-0, (5-2 agg.) at the Westfalenstadion. The Germans were terrifyingly efficient in attack and stalwart in defense, which bodes ill for potential Champions League quarterfinal opponents Paris Saint-Germain, who seem, for some reason, particularly likely to capitulate to a lightning-quick German attack.
• Venezuela’s World Baseball Classic team mourned the death of former president Hugo Chavez before losing an exhibition game to the Miami Marlins, 6-5. I’ll admit that this news story really caught me off guard; it’s easy to forget that people from around the world can be so different. But before we come out and condemn anyone for what happened, we as Americans need to remember that what seems unfathomable to us is to others from around the world considered to be, in some ways, honorable. But still, this is the sort of story that’s really mind-blowing. I mean, they lost to the Miami Marlins? Who besides Giancarlo Stanton is even left in Miami? Unbelievable stuff.
• The New York Rangers topped the Philadelphia Flyers, 4-2, at Madison Square Garden. The game was marred by an injury to Rangers defenseman Marc Staal, who was hit in the eye with a deflected puck, which … hold on, let me just watch the video … Nooooooooo. No no no no no. Ahhhhhh. No. I don’t want to overreact here … ahhhhh … but … whooooooo … hold on … dear God … OK, yeah, don’t want to overreact here, but I think all sport needs to be banned, and everyone needs to have their faces wrapped in foam from birth, because, my word, that’s the worst thing I’ve ever seen with my — oh no. No no no no no.
• The Chicago Blackhawks made it 23 consecutive games without a regulation loss with their 5-3 win over the Minnesota … WAIT … 23 consecutive wins? Oh, God, it all adds up. There are 23 axioms to Euclid’s geometry. Patrick Kane was 23 years old last year. Forty-six human chromosomes means 23 from each parent. Patrick Kane scored 23 goals last season. 2/3=.666 the number of the devil. Patrick Kane’s favorite element on the periodic table is Vanadium, number 23. The Hiroshima bomb was dropped at 8:15, 8+15=23. Patrick Kane is listed at 5-foot-11, 181 lbs. (5*1*1)+(18*1)=23. The Chicago Blackhawks play in Chicago, where a certain player once donned the number 23. You know what this means. The prophecy of the Phantom of the United Center has been foretold: “Kane shall be able, and when blood is spilt, he shall return.” 2+3=5 … 50 years old. 2*3=6 … 6 rings for 6 titles. 2^3=8 … LeBron James’s number … Michael Jordan is coming back, for blood. Why won’t anyone believe me? 23! 23!