In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports over the weekend.

• Roger Clemens, 50 years old and pitching for the first time in five years, threw 3.1 scoreless innings for the Sugar Land Skeeters of the Independent Athletic League. Afterward, when the Skeeters owner found Clemens in the locker room and tried to give him his check, Clemens just shook his head. “Forget the money,” he said. “I just want 10 minutes alone in Sugar Land. No cameras, no security guards, no judgment. Just me and that sugar paradise for 10 glorious, weird minutes.” The man tried to explain that Sugar Land was just a town name, but Clemens had already slipped into a drooling trance.
• Amateur golfer Lydia Ko, 15, became the youngest woman ever to win an LPGA event with a victory at the Canadian Open. After receiving her trophy, she received a phone call. “How dare you?!” screamed Roger Clemens. “This is my moment, you little she-devil! It’s old Roger time, not young Lydia! NOT YOUNG LYDIA!”
• Noriatsu Osaka, 12, hit three home runs to lead Japan to a 12-2 win over Tennessee in the Little League World Series championship game. After the celebration, Osaka received a phone call. “How dare you!” screamed Lydia Ko. “This is my moment, you little bastard! It’s young Lydia time, not young Noriatsu! NOT YOUNG NORIATSU!”
• Nick Watney shot a final round 69 to rally past Sergio Garcia and win his first FedEx Cup event at The Barclays. Immediately after completing his round, Watney received a phone call from what sounded like an angry prepubescent boy screaming at him in Japanese.
• After a blockbuster trade between the Dodgers and Red Sox, Adrian Gonzalez hit a three-run home run in his first at-bat as a Dodger Saturday, leading his new team to an 8-2 win over the Marlins. As expected, Nick Punto spent his first Dodger at-bat whispering, “Mommy, don’t let them hit me” over and over as he fought off tears.
• Peyton Manning completed 10 of 12 passes for 122 yards and his first two touchdown passes as a Bronco in the team’s final preseason game, which ended in a 29-24 loss to the 49ers. Manning was in such top form that he actually audibilized into a different sport late in the second quarter, hitting a two-run homer off 49ers linebacker Ahmad Brooks.
• Lionel Messi scored two goals in the final 15 minutes as Barcelona survived a scare against Osasuna with a 2-1 win. Real Madrid was not so fortunate, suffering a shocking 2-1 loss at Getafe, while a spectacular goal by Luis Suarez helped Liverpool to a 2-2 draw with Manchester City in English Premiership action. Meanwhile, in the MLS, most players had still not broken the habit of calling their sport “kicksies.”
• After a strong preseason outing, rookie Russell Wilson has been named the Seahawks’ starting quarterback for Week 1. The team chaplain gave him his last rites as a cautionary measure, but team doctors say that while his outlook is critical, the human body is resilient and his chance of survival is medium to strong.
• Cliff Lee threw seven strong innings as the Phillies beat the Nationals 4-1 to complete a three-game sweep. When asked how he felt after the win, Lee threw his glove against the locker and shouted, “How do you think I feel?! The U.S. just lost the damn Little League World Series. How the f*** do you think I feel?! Any other dumb questions?”
• Curtis Granderson hit his 200th career home run as the Yankees beat the Indians 4-2 and widened their lead atop the AL East. When asked how he felt after the win, Granderson smiled and said, “really, really, really great.” He then showed reporters his collection of Team Japan Little League memorabilia, dating back to 1984, which he keeps in a sort of shrine in his locker.