In case you were busy trying to understand why Skapoli and the Dustones’ album, which dropped yesterday with no fanfare on iTunes, didn’t instantly go platinum, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday:

• LaMarcus Aldridge put up 31 points and 25 rebounds as the Portland Trail Blazers beat the Houston Rockets 111-104. Oh, it looks like it’s time for America’s least-favorite onetime feature, in which we remind America that Rick Barnes did make the Elite Eight with LaMarcus Aldridge on his team, but really, since they lost to LSU, that still has to qualify as underachieving, “America, Rick Barnes Did Make the Elite Eight With LaMarcus Aldridge On His Team, But Really, Since They Lost To LSU, That Still Has To Qualify As Underachieving.” Rick Barnes did make the Elite Eight with LaMarcus Aldridge on his team, but really, since they lost to LSU, that still has to qualify as underachieving. Thus concludes the first, and hopefully only installment of, “America, Rick Barnes Did Make the Elite Eight With LaMarcus Aldridge On His Team, But Really, Since They Lost To LSU, That Still Has To Qualify As Underachieving.”
• San Diego handed Denver its first home defeat of the season, as the Chargers’ much-maligned defense kept Peyton Manning in check in their 27-20 win over the Broncos. When asked how he felt after the loss, Manning said, “Fine. No highs, no lows. That’s what I always say. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to my happy place.” Manning then, in a macabre display, retreated to the team’s film room with a large Papa John’s pizza, which he ate all of while watching himself throw the game-sealing interception on repeat.
• In Doc Rivers’s first matchup against former players Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce, the Brooklyn Nets beat the Los Angeles Clippers 102-93. After the game, a solemn Rivers read the following prepared remarks: “Having lost to Kevin for the first time in years, I would like to formally apologize to every team we beat while together in Boston. The words that my players heard tonight will haunt them to their graves. The words directed at me, words I cannot, will not repeat lest my children hear them … ” Rivers then trailed off, before gasping and adding, “Oh god … Austin! My boy … He’s played against Kevin. Nooooooo!”
• The New York Knicks are eyeing the Toronto Raptors’ Kyle Lowry, with the sticking point in a potential deal being the Knicks’ reluctance to include a first-round pick in the transaction. However, this is likely to be a mere hiccup, as from an actuarial perspective, the value of the next Knicks first-round pick that the team actually controls is almost zero due to the high likelihood of a so-called “extinction event” occurring in the interim. “Whether that even takes the form of a comet destroying the entire western hemisphere, or a change in sea levels due to global warming turning Earth into some sort of water-world,” said Knicks general manager Steve Mills, “I’m sure that whatever first-round picks we have lying around are effectively valueless given the extreme amount of time between now and when anyone might theoretically attempt to use them in some sort of postapocalyptic hellscape.”
• Martin St. Louis hit the decisive shootout winner as his Tampa Bay Lightning beat the Detroit Red Wings 2-1. The Red Wings have now lost 11 consecutive shootouts, a record equaled only by Willie “So Many Holes” McGundy of Tombstone, Arizona, in 1881.
• Quarterbacks Jameis Winston and AJ McCarron split the top non-Heisman college football awards, with Winston collecting the Walter Camp and Davey O’Brien trophies, while McCarron brought home the Maxwell Award as the nation’s most outstanding player. Now the two men will compete to determine who wins the Heisman Trophy. This will be done by placing the trophy in the center of a circle drawn with chalk. Then, both men will be told to grab the trophy and pull it until only one is holding it. Of course, the actual winner will be the competitor who refuses to engage in such a destructive struggle, as he shall be the man with the character befitting a Heisman Trophy winner.