In case you were busy letting yourself go after realizing that a late push for a role in Pain & Gain was a fool’s errand, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday:

• In a battle of red-hot Eastern Conference foes, Carmelo Anthony and the New York Knicks outdueled John Wall and the Washington Wizards, 120-99, securing their first division title since 1994. The Knicks drilled 20 3-pointers in the win, their 13th in a row. This game came one day after Knicks legend Bernard King was finally inducted into the Hall of Fame. Meanwhile, the Miami Heat’s Dwyane Wade announced that he’s likely out of action until the playoffs begin. Additionally, the weather in New York was perfect, with sunshine and highs in the low 80s. Am I blaming this run of Knicks good fortune on global warming? No. But am I blaming global warming on the Knicks’ unprecedented run? Maybe.
• The Los Angeles Lakers beat the New Orleans Hornets, 104-96, to move back into the no. 8 spot in the Western Conference playoff race. Kobe Bryant was sensational in the win, scoring 23 of his 30 points in the fourth quarter. “You know what they say about Kobe; he’s a closer,” said Lakers center Dwight Howard after the game. “Well, that’s what Kobe says about Kobe when he refuses to let me have any coffee in the clubhouse.”
• Andy Pettitte had another exceptional start, and Robinson Cano had four hits as the New York Yankees reached .500 with a 14-1 win over the Cleveland Indians. Yankees general manager Brian Cashman was pleased after the game, saying, “I told you, I told all of you. Pettitte, man. Pettitte! Guy has so many damn T’s in his name. It’s dumb. It’s dumb but I love him. And I love you. I love you guys so much.” Cashman then turned his back to the assembled media, took a swig from his flask, turned back around and yelled, “You have the problem! Cash-Man doesn’t have problems anymore! Cash-Man’s got it all figured out!”
• Lightning didn’t strike twice for Louisville as the Connecticut women beat the Cardinals, 93-60, to bring home their eighth national basketball title. Breanna Stewart starred for UConn, scoring 23 points and grabbing nine rebounds as the Huskies won going away. “Martha, did you see the women’s team won again?” Stamford resident Blair Whitson asked his wife as he sipped his morning tea. “Good show, Breanna. Heck of a game.” But Martha did not respond, as things had grown insufferable in the Whitson household. No amount of pleasantries exchanged over the morning paper could change that. Their son Teddy had been asked not to return to Colgate, and he was bumming around Colorado with a boy named Chet, burning through his trust fund. Meanwhile, she had taken a lover, a divorcée from Cos Cob she met on the Internet, but even the occasional passionate bout of lovemaking could do nothing to enliven her spirits. And Blair. Blair with his stupid love of basketball. Why couldn’t he love her the way he loved a game? It was obvious he cared more about some teenager named Breanna than he did his own wife. But who could blame him? At least this Breanna had a skill. Could Martha really tell herself that she was that good at anything at this point? No, that’s not fair. That’s not fair, she thought to herself, as she looked around her well-kept home. How long had she been silent? Might as well make a sound, she thought, if only to prove I’m alive. “Mmm-hmm. Breanna, you said? Wasn’t Teddy’s first girlfriend named Breanna?” But Blair had moved on, and merely nodded at his wife as her words passed through his mind without making an impression.
• Alex Ovechkin scored his 26th goal and the Washington Capitals got their eighth straight win with a 3-2 victory over the Montreal Canadiens. Ovechkin celebrated the win by dropping his latest single, “Forgot About Ovi,” to poor reviews. Ovechkin shrugged off the bad press, saying that the single itself wasn’t important, but that he hoped it would “re-leverage the brand so that I can release a line of 9,000-ruble mouthguards. They don’t really work any better than regular mouthguards, but if kids want to live the Ovechkin lifestyle again, who am I to stop them?”
• Borussia Dortmund staged an epic stoppage-time comeback over Malaga, scoring two goals in the final four minutes to advance to the Champions League semifinals with a 3-2 result. When asked whether his team had been offside on the winning goal, Dortmund manager Jurgen Klopp responded, “We implemented a classic German Schlieffen Plan, with the goal of getting around a stalwart defense. Did we violate territorial neutrality to do so? Let me answer my hypothetical question with another question: Scoreboard.” When told that the word scoreboard was not a question, Klopp shrugged and repeated, “scoreboard,” before going on to say that he was hoping for a big showing from Paris Saint-Germain in Wednesday’s match, as “the Parc des Princes seems like a natural next stop for our attacking forces.”
• Jermaine O’Neal was called for goaltending as he deflected James Harden’s game-winning shot attempt, and the Houston Rockets beat the Phoenix Suns, 101-98. Afterward, O’Neal said his blunder was “um, not really a blunder in the big scheme of things. I’m Jermaine O’Neal. If this is the worst thing I do this year, then I can assure you that you will simply be unaware of many of the things that I have done.”
• Despite a heroic comeback effort from Turkish side Galatasaray, Real Madrid, behind two goals from Cristiano Ronaldo, managed a 3-2 loss, and will advance out of the Champions League quarterfinals with a 5-3 aggregate scoreline. “Was the match beautiful?” Ronaldo asked afterward. “No, it was not, and so I deem it something that I do not like. Despite my many goals, it will heretofore be referred to as ‘the match in Turkey that made me sad.’” Ronaldo then took out a picture of himself playing for Alex Ferguson in 2008, and daydreamed of better days.
• Indiana Hoosiers star Victor Oladipo has decided to go pro, after declaring for the NBA draft on Tuesday. “Eh, he was better before he sold out,” said Brooklyn bicycle repairman Chint Overway while scratching his beard. “I remember back when the only way you could see him throw down dunks was by heading down to this warehouse in Bushwick, where they had one black-and-white TV from the ’70s with a corded remote that just showed his highlights on a loop. Now he’s signing a big deal? It sucks. Everything sucks.”