In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.

• J.J. Hardy hit two home runs and a double as the Orioles beat the Rays 9-2 and moved back into a tie for first in the AL East. Hardy’s brother Frank went 1-4 with a single as their stoic dad Fenton looked on from the stands, and their plump pal Chet Morton stayed in the dugout practicing card tricks, his latest crazy hobby.
• Jacoby Ellsbury, celebrating his 29th birthday, hit a walk-off single that gave the Red Sox a 4-3 win over the Yankees. Afterward, increasingly deranged Yankee manager Joe Girardi broke into the Red Sox clubhouse, smashed Ellsbury’s birthday cake, rubbed the frosting all over his face, and whispered, “Happy birthday, Jacoby. You’re one day closer to dying.”
• Herculez Gomez’s free-kick goal helped the U.S. avenge last Thursday’s loss to Jamaica with a 1-0 win over the Reggae Boyz in World Cup qualifying. Afterward, Gomez texted a contact on the Jamaican team. “You were right,” he wrote. “The Z at the end of my first and last name didn’t give it away. They don’t know the enemy in their midst. The goal today was a big step, the Americans trust me now. Operation Sabotage is now in motion. Reggae Boyz for life.”
• Texas Tech basketball coach Billy Gillispie, who has been accused of mistreating players and violating NCAA practice limits, said in a text message to the AP that he would be treated at the Mayo Clinic for high blood pressure, “among other things.” Incidentally, the clinic’s Asshole Ward announced that they are at capacity and will no longer be taking new patients.
• Bryce Harper notched his first career four-hit game as the Nationals defeated R.A. Dickey and the Mets 5-3. “FURIOUS and dancing were wind ball current thrown have I become dipping lowly for months into whirlpools pause believe in cold degrees how universes dare the twilight in gainsaying my fickle abyss,” said R.A. Dickey, expressing what may have been frustration in his patented KnuckleSpeak.
• NFL commissioner Roger Goodell will meet with all four Saints players suspended for their involvement in the bounty scandal. At press time, Goodell was picking out a wide-brim fedora and trench coat, and trying to find the most isolated city street lamp in the country near an abandoned warehouse where men with good aim could hide behind the broken windows.
• Two Harvard basketball co-captains may withdraw from the team after being implicated in an academic cheating scandal. The players, Judson Calloway Hawthorne Yates and Beckett Kingsley Bishop Covington IV, will take a winter’s refuge in Tahoe or Aspen until the crass little men with their silly little rules are beaten like dogs on the street by their fathers’ mindless Hessian thugs.
• Doug Fister pitched seven strong innings as the Tigers moved closer to the the White Sox in the AL Central with a crucial 5-3 win. Fister has been lights out since the All-Star break, and though his medical records are protected by the doctor-patient privilege, many believe that he’s finally recovered from the severe PTSD common to those who play in Seattle.
• After being driven away from Twitter by the negativity of Internet critics, Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen is back, tweeting gems like, “i have a talk whit spider and i learn few think about the game lol lol.” After reading the tweet, furious pitcher Mark Buehrle approached Guillen. “Look, Ozzie, I don’t mind talking with you,” he said, “but again, I would prefer that you showed me some respect and didn’t call me a spider. I don’t even get it, but it seems insulting.” Guillen nodded and apologized, but was back on Twitter a few minutes later, tweeting, “lol lol spider dont recgnize hisself and beleevs he human lol.”
• Penn State has announced that they will stick with struggling kicker Sam Ficken, whose missed field goals cost the Nittany Lions a win over Virginia last week. Meanwhile, fans of the team accused the NCAA of everything from greasing Ficken’s shoe to substituting in a deformed football to moving the goal posts with their minds just before the kick. A 24-hour civilian guard has been placed around the “Kickin’ Ficken” statue, which was made from tin foil on Monday.