In case you were out changing the world with the first-ever mass-produced backyard eagle coop (patent pending), here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday:

• On a day when men in the trenches were in demand, the Kansas City Chiefs selected OT Eric Fisher out of Central Michigan with the first overall pick in the NFL draft. “Oh, that’s awesome, I love Eric Fisher,” said casual Chiefs fan and Kansas City transplant Bill Franzen. “I remember watching him in college and thinking to myself, ‘Man, I hope that guy ends up on my Chiefs.’ What an exciting year to have the top pick in the draft. I remember last year; I was in the break room at the actuarial firm where I work, and I was like, ‘This team is an Eric Fisher–type talent away from contending.’ I just can’t wait to watch him stop guys from hitting newly acquired quarterback Alex Smith next year.” Franzen then paused, looked over his shoulders and asked in a whisper, “Right? Was that a good reaction to have? I have no idea what to think.”
• Manti Te’o was among the high-profile prospects to drop out of the first round of the NFL draft. Te’o’s embarrassment was compounded by a phone call he received from someone purporting to be an NFL general manager. “He said his name was Trick Footballsworth of the Los Angeles Footballers and that I was for sure going to be his first-round pick,” a sheepish Te’o explained after the first round was over. “All I had to do was give him my social security number, some bank passwords, and then mail my car keys to a P.O. Box in Simi Valley. Anyone could’ve fallen for that, though, so I’m not going to beat myself up too hard over this. Though I do need a ride.”
• Ray Allen set the record for career postseason 3-pointers, as the Miami Heat took another step toward defending their championship with a 104-91 win over the Milwaukee Bucks. “This was a huge game for us,” Allen said after the win. “If we don’t win this one, maybe [the Bucks] would feel something other than soul-crushing despair. They might have merely felt hopeless or resigned. And we can’t have that. Ever.”
• Despite being held to just 14 fourth-quarter points, the Chicago Bulls took a 2-1 series lead over the Brooklyn Nets with a 79-76 win. “Mmmmm … exquisite,” Bulls coach Tom Thibodeau said after the game. “A win and 155 points. Is it my birthday? Because I can’t imagine a better birthday gift.” When told it was not his birthday, Thibodeau responded, “Well, no one needs to get me anything next year. Not that they would’ve anyway. All of the people I get along with are really stingy for some reason.”
• The Memphis Grizzlies rebounded from consecutive road losses, with a 94-82 win over the Los Angeles Clippers to close the gap in their playoff series to 2-1. Grizzlies coach Lionel Hollins attributed their success at home to “not having to take the 10 to the stadium. That thing is a damn parking lot. Our former travel assistant, Judy, had us staying in Santa Monica when we were in L.A. It was madness! My guys didn’t even shoot around before Game 2, and we were still a layup away from winning it. Now that I’ve personally fired Judy, I think we have a chance in this series.” Hollins then added with a mischievous grin, “The best part was when she broke down crying because she didn’t know how she’ll be able to put food on the table for her kids. Knowing that she’ll suffer almost as much as we did sitting on that damn freeway almost made it worth it. Almost.”
• On a day when Derek Jeter announced that he will play at some point in 2013, the New York Yankees beat the Toronto Blue Jays, 5-3, at Yankee Stadium. “That’s great news,” said Yankees general manager Brian Cashman after the game. “I’ll pencil him into my calendar for sometime in 2013.” Cashman then lifted up his shirt to reveal a 2013 calendar tattooed on his torso. “I got this so I can remember when I get my players back,” Cashman explained before taking a large belt of scotch and writing Derek Jeter’s name in Sharpie upside down across his entire chest. “There we go. Now I won’t forget that Derek Jeter will play baseball in 2013. Now does anyone want to rub my belly, because I’m Patrick Shwasted over here.”
• Gio Gonzalez and Rafael Soriano combined to give up only one hit as the the Washington Nationals topped the Cincinnati Reds, 8-1. That one hit, though, was a solo home run from Reds slugger Joey Votto. “It would be like having this sterling career and reputation, with one really glaring negative piece of news hovering over you,” Gonzalez explained after the game. “Like, the news itself wouldn’t really matter in this analogy, much like the home run didn’t really matter, but it’s present, lingering, dampening the enthusiasm around your achievements. It’s a lot like that … would be … if there were something like that hanging over my season. Hypothetically. Totally hypothetically.”
• Ryan Callahan scored in overtime to give the New York Rangers a 4-3 win over the Carolina Hurricanes and a berth in the Eastern Conference playoffs. The big news from the game, though, was that RW Patrick Dwyer won the Josef Vasicek Award for cooperation with local media in voting by the local Professional Hockey Writers Association chapter. “Damn right, I won it,” Dwyer said after the game. “I’ve been wining and dining those jacknuggets all year so I could shove it in everyone else’s face. Most cooperative: me. Least cooperative: all the other jacknuggets on my team.” When asked what a jacknugget was, Dwyer responded, “I got my trophy. Y’all can figure that out for yourselves, you bunch of jacknuggets.”