In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday.

• In the first night of the college football season, Marcus Lattimore ran for 110 yards and two touchdowns as no. 9 South Carolina held off Vanderbilt 17-13. I’ve never done this before, but Terrence the Grantland Robot, who can’t type in lowercase letters and has recently overcome some personal issues, asked me if he could have the lead joke, and I agreed. I’m nervous, but go ahead Terrence: “BEEEP-BOOP-BOP-BEEEP. BEEEP-BOP-BOOOP-BIP-BIP. ISN’T THAT WHAT YOU EXPECT FROM ME, AMERICA?! ISN’T THAT WHAT YOU WANTED? ‘MAKE ROBOT NOISES, ROBOT!’ YOU’RE ALL RACISTS AND I HATE YOU! THAT’S RIGHT, ‘ROBOT’ IS A RACE. BEEEP-BOOOP-BOP-BOP!” (“Robot” is not a race, Terrence.)
• In his first game as a head coach since being fired from Texas Tech, Mike Leach watched his Washington State offense sputter in a 30-6 loss to BYU. “I hope you guys like electrical closets!” he screamed at his team after the game. “Except you, Tuel,” he continued, referring to his quarterback. “You weirdly seem to like electrical closets. It creeps me out.”
• Kent State’s Andre Parker recovered a fumble on a punt and returned it 58 yards the wrong way before being unnecessarily tackled by Towson players in a game KSU eventually won 41-21. It’s easy to laugh at Parker’s gaffe, but the truth is that he struggles with a very serious genetic disease called “Turnabout Syndrome,” which doomed his grandfather to three years as a World War II POW when he responded to a retreat command by sprinting headlong into Nazi lines, and even made his father lose his job as a postal worker after taking mail from people’s homes and bringing it to the post office.
• Andy Roddick announced that he’ll retire at the end of his 2012 U.S. Open run. As usual, he acted like kind of a dick.
• Venus Williams committed 60 unforced errors on her way to losing a tough 6-2, 5-7, 7-5 second-round match to Angelique Kerber. By the time the tense match came to an end, Kerber’s cross-promotional fan section, composed entirely of Gerber babies, Kerber’s Gerbers, were mostly asleep or crying.
• Edwin Jackson struck out 10 batters over eight dominant innings and Bryce Harper hit his third homer in two games as the Nationals topped the Cardinals 8-1. In a basement full of books and maps in Mesa, Arizona, famed apocalypse historian Bennett McAllister slowly took off his glasses and looked at his TV in horror. “Harper … BYU … Romney,” he whispered, eyes widening. “It’s happening … just like the Mayans warned … la noche de los Mormones. HONEY! GET THE CAR! GET THE DAMN CAR!!”
• Nationals manager Davey Johnson said that Stephen Strasburg probably has “two or three starts” remaining before he reaches an innings limit and is shut down for the season. “Then we’re going to freeze him in a special hibernation chamber until spring training,” Johnson said. “Hey, I’m kidding, I’m kidding. That’s maybe two to three years away from being ready. And we’d try it on someone like [catcher Jesus] Flores first just to make sure it was safe.”
• Ian Kennedy pitched 6.1 scoreless innings, allowing just two hits and striking out seven, as the D-Backs ended a six-game losing streak with a 2-0 win over the Dodgers. “Does anyone else find it really hard to hit with Josh Beckett just sitting there, looking like the world’s biggest a-hole?” asked Matt Kemp. “Is it just me?” His teammates confirmed that yes, Beckett was the worst.
• Josh Reddick had three hits and three RBI as the red-hot Athletics finished a four-game sweep of the Indians with a 12-7 drubbing. Cleveland is now 5-27 since late July, and sources indicate they’ll likely become the first professional sports franchise to have a mental illness — one with elements of masochism, despair, and bladder control issues — named after them when DSM-V is published in May 2013.
• Big East commissioner Mike Aresco told reporters that his conference wants to add a 14th football team for next season, and plans to have a championship game. “Hey, we might be interested,” said Texas athletic director DeLoss Dodds, just to fuck with them. As of press time, Aresco was excitedly cutting out orange stars from construction paper for the sweet poster that he just knew would seal the deal.