About Last Night: Da Bears Stay Perfect

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.

  • The Baylor Bears became the first college basketball team to ever compile a 40-0 record and win the national championship. Brittney Griner’s 26 points and 13 boards helped her team to an 80-61 victory over Stanford Notre Dame, and earned the undefeated Bears a permanent place in the history books. “Alright, just say it,” said the Washington Wizards. “You think they could beat us too, right? Just say it, damn you!”
  • Red Sox closer Andrew Bailey will undergo surgery on his right thumb Wednesday, and he’s not expected to return before the All-Star break. “That’ll be the last time he challenges me to a thumb war!” Bobby Valentine said, with an idiotic grin so wide that it broke several blood vessels in his face.
  • Andrew Bynum was fined an undisclosed amount by the Lakers for multiple infractions, and also sustained an ankle sprain that may keep him out of Wednesday’s game against the Clippers. Before you go judging Bynum, though, keep in mind that Kobe Bryant is the only player in the NBA with a designated “whipping boy,” and that most of Bynum’s so-called “infractions” are actually Bryant’s. In related news, Bynum slept on Bryant’s couch last night due to his 134th marital infidelity of 2012, despite the fact that he’s single and it’s barely April.
  • Nike and the NFL unveiled new uniforms for all 32 teams on Tuesday. As expected, every jersey is electric pink with Chinese writing on the sleeves, and they all feature a large head shot of Nike Chairman Phil Knight saying the team name in a tiny speech bubble.
  • Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco told a Baltimore radio station that he thinks he’s the best quarterback in the NFL. At least that’s what he seemed to be saying; right as he got to the end of an otherwise functional sentence, he choked on his words and convulsed on the floor as all 11 members of the Ravens defense administered the Heimlich maneuver.
  • Steve Nash, 38, told ESPN that his back is completely healthy, and that he’s hoping to sign a three-year contract extension soon. “Yeah, that’s great, Steve, good for you!” said the reporter, who then hurried out of the room. “Code Flacco!” he whispered into his hidden wireless mic. “Delusional athlete! We’ve got a serious Code Flacco, guys! Send help!”
  • David Stern said he would like to add a year to the rule that requires players to be 19 before they can join the NBA, but that it’s unlikely to happen due to the player’s union. “Tell you what,” said Ron Artest, in a late phone call to Stern. “You knock one year off the age of consent, and we’ll think about adding your year.” Stern patiently explained that he had no personal authority over the age of consent, and that Artest was not a player’s union representative, but by that point the Lakers’ small forward had already begun cursing at the moon.
  • The Colts held a private workout with quarterback Andrew Luck, but owner Jim Irsay tweeted that Robert Griffin III refused to schedule a similar workout. And just like that, Griffin lost his chance to ever plead insanity if he commits a serious crime.
  • Arlington Mayor Robert Cluck issued a state of disaster declaration after tornadoes ripped through the town, and a video of the harsh weather was tweeted out by catcher Mike Napoli from the Rangers’ stadium. The footage is about what you’d expect, though there is one weird part where Nolan Ryan stands on the pitcher’s mound and fires a shotgun into a tornado while raving about the “goddamn Democrats.” Other than that, pretty standard stuff.

Filed Under: About Last Night, Andrew Bynum, Baltimore Ravens, Boston Red Sox, David Stern, Indianapolis Colts, Joe Flacco, Los Angeles Lakers, NCAA tournament, NFL, Steve Nash, Texas Rangers