About Last Night: Arizona Strikes Gold

Norm Hall/Getty Images Paul Goldschmidt

In case you were busy talking up how good your Achilles feels, because it feels really, really good, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday:

  • Paul Goldschmidt’s two home runs, including his third walk-off home run of the season, gave the Arizona Diamondbacks an 11-inning 4-3 win in their interleague battle with the Baltimore Orioles. “Guy’s a regular Kirk Gibson with these clutch jacks,” Diamondbacks manager Kirk Gibson said after the game. “Am I flattered by the tribute? Absolutely. It’s nice to have your players respect your on-field legacy.” Gibson then did his best Vin Scully impression: “In the year of the improbable the—” before being interrupted by Goldschmidt. “Hey skip, what are you talking about?” Goldschmidt asked his manager, to which Gibson replied with a smile, “Oh, just reminiscing about my own walk-off heroics. Dodger Stadium. You know, the story.” Goldschmidt furrowed his brow and asked his manager, “You played? For the Dodgers? No kidding. Never would have guessed.” A crestfallen Gibson turned away and said, “Yeah, kid, yeah. I played. Impossibly that happened.”
  • The Oakland A’s were denied a Chris Young walk-off home run after umpires were unable to confirm through instant replay that his blast hit the foul pole, before losing, 5-4, to the Houston Astros when Young struck out on the next pitch. Now you know that we here at About Last Night are all about provoking debate, and the use of instant replay in baseball is a big topic for sports debaters these days. We take the stance that we must keep the human element in the game, and what’s more, enhance it. Enough with automated delivery of baseball images to people’s homes. No more televising games. The game happens once. The events are witnessed by those in the stadium. Period. Everything else denies the tradition of the game that, may I add, predates television. Furthermore, we take the stance that there should be no still photographs of the game, which would only serve to create needless controversy about games that already happened. Eyewitness reports of the game should also be banned, along with any written records of the games or mentions of the game in conversation. When asked about specific games, fans and journalists in attendance should not reveal any information about what took place, but instead should turn and sprint away from those who would dare ask a question about what happened at a baseball game, and proceed to start a new life under an assumed identity. Only in that way can we ensure that our sacred baseball traditions are preserved.
  • Pittsburgh left fielder Starling Marte dropped a pop fly in the ninth inning, opening the door for an Allen Craig–powered St. Louis comeback, which ended with the Cardinals tightening up the NL Central race with a 4-3 14-inning win over the Pirates. When asked how he was enduring the loss, Pittsburgh superfan Keith McDouglas said, “Um, what do you mean? We almost beat the Cardinals. That puts that game in the top 2 percent of Pirates games that have happened over the past 20 years.”
  • Another divisional battle went to extras, as the Red Sox got a clutch base hit from Shane Victorino in the 11th inning to beat the Toronto Blue Jays, 4-2. “They should call me Shane Victory-n’yes,” Victorino mumbled to himself after the game, as he ate a homemade meatloaf sandwich alone at his locker. “I’m going to tell people that. I am. One of these days I’m going to work up the nerve. And tell the whole team, ‘I’m Shane Victory-n’yes.’ And then who will be the loser? Not me, no sir. They won’t have ol’ Shane No Win to kick around anymore.”
  • Outfielder Manny Ramirez was released from his minor league contract with the Texas Rangers as the team is allowing him to pursue other options in the wake of its acquisition of Alex Rios. “I’m considering my options, and I’m hoping I can do something to help me shed my Manny being Manny reputation,” Ramirez said as he attached wings to the handlebar of a bicycle. “So I’ve decided to become the first man to fly.”
  • Kansas City Chiefs running back and all time yards-per-carry leader Jamaal Charles has been diagnosed with a foot strain by two surgeons, allaying concerns he had suffered a more serious injury after being carted off the Chiefs’ practice field Monday. However, Charles is not out of the woods yet, as two mystics brought in by the Chiefs both saw “great turmoil of a personal nature” in Charles’s future, and two poets brought in by the Chiefs both waxed about the mortality of man, and then looked meaningfully in Charles’s direction.
  • South Carolina pass rusher Jadeveon Clowney has returned to practice after recovering from a bruised shoulder that forced him out of two training sessions. When asked how he felt about Clowney’s return, Gamecocks head coach Steve Spurrier said, “It’s horrible! Now everybody else is hurt. Center Cody Waldrop went down first with a bruised neck. Then left guard A.J. Cann got his spine contused, which was basically the same thing. So we told Clowney to slow down. But it didn’t matter. Tackle Corey Robinson got in Clowney’s way, and the lower part of his leg separated from the upper part. That one was in a no-contact drill; I’m not even sure they touched. Our other guard, Ron Patrick, he’s only got one arm now. So that’s bad. And redshirt sophomore Will Sport dropped out to ‘trek the Outback and learn why the human body would be designed to feel pain the way it does,’ meaning I assume he’s out for at least the opener. We’ve only got freshmen on our O-line now. And most of them are holed up in a dorm room and refusing to leave until they’ve been promised they won’t get hit by Clowney. And let’s face it, I can’t promise them that any more than a pitcher of iced tea can promise it won’t make an Arnold Palmer when it comes across some lemonade. Also, our whole running back corps appeared to vanish into some sort of rift portal. I don’t think that’s the technical term, I just don’t know how else to describe what I saw when Clowney hit them. There was a flash of blue light, then the back was gone, and all that was left was the echo of some sort of demon scream. Then the same thing happened again, and again. Finally, quarterbacks Dylan Thompson and Connor Shaw got hit into each other so hard they are now one player, Condylonnor Shawmpson, so that’s actually a bit of an upgrade at the position.”

Filed Under: About Last Night, Arizona Diamondbacks, Baltimore Orioles, Boston Red Sox, Houston Astros, Kansas City Chiefs, Oakland A's, Pittsburgh Pirates, South Carolina, St. Louis Cardinals, Texas Rangers, Toronto Blue Jays