In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday.

• The New York Yankees are out. CC Sabathia struggled and the offense remained dormant as the historic franchise lost 8-1 and were swept out of the ALCS. Instead of adding to their record 27 World Series titles, the Yankees hit .188 for the postseason, the lowest single-year total for any team with at least seven playoff games in MLB history. The unbelievable loss marks the first time that America’s signature team has been swept out of the playoffs since 1980. Their opponent will head to the World Series (which, again, the Yankees have won 27 times).
• Adam Wainwright threw seven innings of four-hit ball and the Cardinals offense roughed up Tim Lincecum in an 8-3 win over the Giants, giving them a 3-1 lead in the NLCS. As usual, St. Louis fans used the win to congratulate themselves for their moral superiority over America’s coastal cities.
• Frank Gore rushed for 131 yards and the 49ers defense kept Russell Wilson in check as San Fran defeated the Seahawks 13-6. And now, Terrence the Grantland Robot. “NO TIME FOR JOKES. I HAVE BEEN STAKING OUT MY GIRLFRIEND PENNY’S HOUSE THE LAST TWO DAYS AND CAN NOW CONFIRM THAT SHE HAS A NEW BOYFRIEND. I HAD HOPED THE ROBOT IN QUESTION WAS HER BROTHER SINCE HE WAS A WIND-POWERED ROBOT LIKE HER BUT THERE HAVE BEEN SIGNS OF AFFECTION THAT COULD NOT HAVE BEEN BETWEEN BROTHER AND SISTER. UNLESS WE ARE TALKING ANGELINA JOLIE AND JAMES HAVEN, AM I RIGHT?” Terrence, I’m going to stop you right there; that joke is way too dated. I mean, when did that happen, 199— “NO, YOU’RE TOO DATED, RYAN. YOU’RE TOO DATED! YOU ARE JUST LIKE PENNY AND ALL THE REST BETRAYING ME WHEN IT MATTERS. WELL, GUESS WHAT? IT IS NOW TERRENCE’S TURN TO PAY YOU BACK. WHERE THE HELL IS MY OIL?!”
• Kenjon Barner led no. 3 Oregon’s electric offense with 143 yards rushing and three touchdowns as the Ducks remained undefeated with a crushing 43-21 win over Arizona State. “Well, this much is clear,” ASU coach Todd Graham told his players after the game. “The Great Sun Devil is no longer satisfied with last year’s sacrifice. We must offer him a new soul.” At the back of the room, third-string punter Daniel Simon slowly slipped out the door.
• Despite rumors that the Yankees and Marlins might discuss a trade this offseason, A-Rod says he plans to be back in New York next season as a Yankee. And even if he does get traded, A-Rod confirmed that he would continue to wear his Yankee uniform in public and on dates. “It’s signed by Derek Jeter,” he explained.
• LeBron James downplayed speculation that he might opt out of his contract in two years and join the Lakers, saying he was focused on defending his title with the Heat. But even if he never leaves, LeBron confirmed that he would continue to wear his Lakers uniform in public and on dates. “It’s signed by LeBron James,” he explained.
• The director of the World Anti-Doping Agency said the NBA has “gaps” in its anti-doping program, including the lack of a test for HGH. In related news, Lance Armstrong has taken up basketball.
• NHL commissioner Gary Bettman called the players’ union’s counter-offer to his latest proposal a “step backward,” since they wouldn’t agree to a 50-50 revenue split. “After all the great work I’ve done as commish, they’re still going to demand more revenue?” asked Bettman. His personal assistant Horace then flashed a card that read “LAUGHTER,” earning a slap in the head from Bettman. “Put it down, Horace! That’s not a laugh line!”
• The SEC released its 2013 schedule, in which Alabama will play at Texas A&M for the first time in 25 years. Aggies coach Kevin Sumlin was grateful for the advance warning, as he will now be able to get his team safely out of town before the game.