In case you’ve been wondering what Gwyneth Paltrow has been up to since consciously uncoupling from Chris Martin, don’t worry, she’s still been updating the Goop newsletter on the regs! After advocating for oil pulling, Gwyneth is onto a new phase: talking to water. She talks to water, you see, because she read a book about “how negativity changes the structure of water” by a guy named Dr. Emoto. Here is Gwyneth’s whole introduction to her Goop newsletter this week because it is amazing:

“I am fascinated by the growing science behind the energy of consciousness and its effects on matter. I have long had Dr. Emoto’s coffee table book on how negativity changes the structure of water, how the molecules behave differently depending on the words or music being expressed around it. Below, Dr. Sadeghi explores further. Also we went to NYC last week and crushed a number of spots that deserve to make an update (and some that don’t). Plus some other bits, remixes, and the like. Love, gp”

First of all, “some other bits, remixes, and the like” on its own is a perfect Paltrowian sentence fragment. Secondly, saying they “crushed a number of spots” in New York makes her visit there sounds so Wolf of Wall Street except that she is referring strictly to rich-people restaurants, which is more American Psycho. In 72 hours she stayed in the Nomad Hotel, which is “hushed, dimly-lit, and opulent — while small.” She went to a billion nice restaurants including a sushi bar with a two-month wait. Why is fantasizing about Gwyneth’s delicious lifestyle so pleasant? Is it because we know for a fact that we will most likely never go to any of these places or get to eat any of these things? Anyway, enough about the money spending, back to the TALKING TO WATER. Gwyneth is one of those yuppie hippies who thinks the way to a clear, ideal, relaxing life is to spend lots of money on shit. So after the restaurant and hotel recommendations comes this section from Dr. Habib Sadeghi, a Paltrow mentor who is the co-founder of “Be Hive of Healing, an integrative health center based in Los Angeles,” specializing in alternative medicine. I can’t just reprint the whole section, but you should read it because it’s all amazing.

Here are my favorite parts:

• “There has been a great deal of research in recent years as to whether the universe we live in is actually a holographic experience, and it seems that this is very close to the truth.”
• “Yes, even the words of others can easily affect our personal vibration. Spend a few minutes with a chronic complainer who uses all sorts of negative terms, and you’ll feel your personal energy bottom out.”
• “Japanese scientist, Masaru Emoto performed some of the most fascinating experiments on the effect that words have on energy in the 1990’s … In his experiments, Emoto poured pure water into vials labeled with negative phrases like ‘I hate you’ or ‘fear.’ After 24 hours, the water was frozen, and no longer crystallized under the microscope: It yielded gray, misshapen clumps instead of beautiful lace-like crystals. In contrast, Emoto placed labels that said things like ‘I Love You,’ or ‘Peace’ on vials of polluted water, and after 24 hours, they produced gleaming, perfectly hexagonal crystals. Emoto’s experiments proved that energy generated by positive or negative words can actually change the physical structure of an object. The results of his experiments were detailed in a series of books beginning with The Hidden Messages in Water, where you can see the astounding before and after photos of these incredible water crystals.”
• “How many times a day do we throw our words away? We say things like, ‘I hate my hair,’ ‘I’m so stupid,’ ‘I’m such a klutz.'”
• “Ancient scriptures tell us that life and death are in the power of the tongue. As it turns out, that’s not a metaphor.”
• “Amazingly, it makes no difference whether the information is true or false. The only thing that matters is how often we’re exposed to it.”
• “Words have power, and quantum energy doesn’t have a sense of humor.”
• “Instead of saying that a meal was terrible say ‘I’ve had better.'”

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After the end of this section there are some remixes (as promised!) and the chance to buy $90 huaraches exclusively through Goop. The remix section includes a Giorgio Moroder remix of a song by COLDPLAY! (a yearning subtweet to Chris Martin?), a Cid Rim remix of Sky Ferreira, and the Kanye West remix of “Drunk in Love,” which implanted in my brain the image of Gwyneth rapping “I impregnated your mouth, girl” along with ‘Ye. All I know is that clearly Gwyneth Paltrow is vaping mad trees every night on the back porch of her Brentwood estate after Apple and Moses go to sleep. I would not be surprised if she is super deep into crystals. I don’t believe in this positive energy as pseudoscience bullshit, which is verging on “The Secret.” But let Gwyneth talk to her water. It’s not hurting anybody.