Sean Penn and Charlize Theron’s Gun Sculpture … and Other Artistic Statements From This Week’s Tabloids


Us Weekly

Charlize Theron & Sean Penn & Jeff Koons: “Sean Penn has laid down his arms. At his January 11 Help Haiti Home benefit, the Oscar winner — once photographed wielding a shotgun in New Orleans — announced that his 65-piece gun collection will be turned into a sculpture by artist Jeff Koons.” I’ll never get tired of this dumb story. I mean, it’s not dumb that Penn is getting rid of his guns at the request of his gun activist girlfriend Charlize Theron, but it’s pretty dumb that Koons is going to make a sculpture out of them. Can’t wait to see it! It’s weird that Robin Wright has a type (method actors) and Penn has a type (alpha blondes) and they both ended up with different makes of their favorite models. It’s a crazy world, isn’t it? “She’s obviously his type, a blonde, powerful woman. Their relationship is intense.” I’d like to think Charlize could do better, but considering Madonna still wishes she could go back to that well, the D must be insane.

Anne Hathaway Dropped Out of Silver Linings PlaybookShe clashed with David O. Russell, which is really not that hard to do. Mark Wahlberg also left the project, and they were replaced with the B team of Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence, who were so great that it’s now impossible to imagine it being any good with Hathaway and Wahlberg.

Cher Babysat Anthony Kiedis: Like, when he was a child. “When the diva, 67, watched then eighth grader Anthony Kiedis, now 51, she let him share her bed! Kiedis says, ‘I remember thinking, “This is not bad.”‘” I’d watch that movie. I’d watch it all day.

Tiffani Thiessen: “I carry O.B. tampons. If one falls out, it doesn’t faze me.” FALL OUT OF WHERE, TIFFANI?

Things You Don’t Know About Brandi Glanville (Excerpted)

  • “My go-to fast food is a Del Taco burrito with extra red sauce, extra cheese, easy beans and onions.”
  • “I am deathly afraid of fish.”
  • “I love cooking. I’m famous for my taco nights.”
  • “When I was growing up, I had a pet praying mantis named Dusty.”
  • “My top TV show is Seinfeld.”
  • “I have 13 best girlfriends.”
  • “I raced cars at age 14 and won at the Sacramento Raceway.”
  • “I’m absolutely obsessed with vitamins. And lingerie!”
  • “I lived in Europe (mostly Paris and Milan) for six years while modeling.”
  • “I was a competitive gymnast until the 10th grade.”
  • “I keep a recorder in my car so when I think of profound things, I can remember them.”
  • “I’m a Scorpio with Scorpio rising. I love hard and I fight hard.”

Gabourey Sidibe: “To people making mean comments about my pics, I mos def cried about it on that private jet on my way to my dream job last night.”

Rihanna: “At 13, my mom would tell me ‘You can have a boyfriend when you’re 16!’ And then at 16 she’d say, ‘I never said that – and as a matter of fact it’s 40!'”

Gabrielle Union on Dwyane Wade: “I’m a little too supportive, some people have said.”

Drew Barrymore: “I started finding hearts in things, whether it was, like, a tree I was passing, [or] a straw wrapper on the ground.” She put out an art book of these pictures.

Misc/Etc: “You made me a frayed leather skirt.” “Bad reception, bad reception. Hanging up. Deer coming.” “I’M A MINIVAN MOM!” “Throwing Shade” “We can’t stop comparing Miley Cyrus to Lloyd Christmas!” “I’m over it. I grew up.” “It’s like the conversation police. I want to talk about the show I saw two years ago. I’m sorry you haven’t seen it yet.” “I feel very Jessica Rabbit!” “I’ve always liked feminine things” “JENNIFER LAWRENCE ran to CUBA GOODING JR.” “McConaughey likened acting to ‘a bull ride'” “Stars they are just like us” “Kim Tours Versailles” “complete with grits!” “I texted back ‘I’m in the woods right now, so when I get out, I’ll let you know.'” “I didn’t marry your dad, but you’re starting to look more like him every day.” “told her his sons would make good husbands someday” “Calabasas, ladies!” “pot paraphernalia, empty Gatorade bottles, and Coke cans” “Classy Trumpet” “Was ‘disco snake’ the look she was going for?”


Taylor Swift Says “I Can’t Find a Man!”: “She’s incredibly down, and she just can’t seem to find the right guy. She said ‘I just don’t get it. Why can’t I keep a guy? I feel like I’m turning into Jennifer Aniston. It’s just so unfair.” Hey, c’mon, Aniston is doing a’ight right now. “While she may have a mantle full of awards, she also has a mile-long list of men who have said thanks but no thanks to her advances. Jared Leto ran for the hills after she chatted him up at a Golden Globes after party; Snapchat CEO Evan Spiegel hasn’t called her back after they went to a New Year’s Eve party together; and actor Douglas Booth totally brushed her off at a West Hollywood bash.” Oh, Snapchat! “Even when she puts herself out there, no one seems interested! She’s brooding and feeling incredibly down.” Who should Taylor date next? How about Spike Jonze? He’s cool with being written about by his exes (we think). Please don’t date Sean Penn, Taylor, we’re begging you.

Kelly Osbourne & Matthew Mosshart’s Breakup: “The real reason Kelly Osbourne called off her engagement? Her fiancé was cheating!” Oh, that’s a pretty good reason. Since she and Mosshart split, “Kelly Osbourne has made the rounds at the awards shows and acted, for the most part, like she’s doing just fine.” But sources say “privately, she’s a mess — and with good reason!” Kelly, 29, became suspicious in recent months “that vegan chef Matthew was cheating on her. So she asked some friends to keep tabs on him” and found out “that he was making trips to random L.A. hotels at all hours of the day, multiple days a week!” Maybe he was doing a pop-up vegan cooking demo! “Kelly started digging through Matthew’s laptop and found evidence that he may be hooking up with other people. Kelly was furious and called off the engagement. She immediately kicked him out” and “she’s trying to get the Toyota Prius she gave him repossessed.” Kelly was sober, but has fallen off the wagon since this latest heartbreak. “She goes out to bars and gets completely wasted. Some close friends even fear she may be using drugs again. It’s really sad!”

Lena Dunham & Rihanna Feuding: LOL, as if. “Lena Dunham may be fashion’s new It Girl, but to Rihanna, she’s public enemy No. 1!” The feud supposedly dates back to Lena talking about Rihanna getting back together with Chris Brown and posting “a million pictures of them smoking marijuana together on a bed” and how it “cracks” her heart. Pretty sure that it cracked Lena’s heart because she was saying she could relate to getting back with a dude that you know is bad news? Anyway, “when Girls producers wanted to use her song ‘Talk That Talk’ in a scene, it was with great pleasure that she turned Lena down.” Rihanna is “vindictive” and wants to “be at the next event Lena goes to so she can go off on her in person.” How about she just becomes the fifth girl on Girls?

Justin Bieber & Selena Gomez’s Texts (SUPPOSEDLY): 

Justin: You’re all I need right now. I know I can make it right with you

Selena: U r a drug addict. U need help

Justin: Come on. DOn’t tell me you don’t miss this.

Justin: [Blurred dick pic; Star says “it’s average, in case you were wondering.”]

Selena: Stop it

Selena: You need to listen to scooter and go to rehab. U r sick

Selena: U need to grow the fuck up

Justin: FUCK YOU!!!!! I need to grow up?! HA ok! Enjoy life with OUT ME BITCH!!!!!! Fuck you. Fuck scooter. Fuck all y’all I AM DONE!

Selena: Good!!! Go ‘retire’ or whatever bullshit attention ur trying to get

Justin: Can’t hear you over my cash babe! You’re only famous cuz of me. You know it. I know. Everybody knows. Bye.”

A VERY HARSH TOKE FROM THE BIEBER! I read a longer version of these alleged texts wherein Bieber also said “keep that talentless pussy away from me” to Selena. Justin is supposedly addicted to cough syrup, and his team has been trying to intervene.

RHOBH’s Carlton: “I do celebrate Christmas with my family. I also celebrate the pagan traditions of the Wiccan calendar. There are eight holidays called sabbats, which are days of power.”

Melyssa Ford: Does she miss her “video vixen days”? Of course. “What 20-year-old wouldn’t like to get paid to stand next to rap and R&B stars on million-dollar productions? But it was much more innocent than people think.”

Jenny McCarthy: “Jenny McCarthy revealed that after her 2005 divorce from John Mallory Asher, she had her agent try and convince ABC to make her the next Bachelorette, but was rejected.”

Misc/Etc: “She’s surviving on coffee, nuts, and fruit.” “a typical Miley ploy for attention” “She’ll splurge on yogurt or pick at string cheese” “Look out, A-list ladies, Cara could be coming for you next!” “rebelling the only way they know how – through passive resistance” “We had a little ‘come to Jesus’ moment on the show, but it was short and sweet” “Jared Leto got a hug from his leading lady, his mom” “Zero Dark Flirty” “Sofia Vergara has teamed up with Bucca di Deppo for the Meatballs 4 Niños campaign” “40 AND FABULOUS!” “What do you get the submissive who has everything? Why, a new Audi, of course!” “#catlove” “looked a far cry from her challenging new role as a pregnant teen” “Hunk Alert!” “January Jones looked forlorn after buying paint in Beverly Hills”


Jennifer Lawrence Engaged to Nicholas Hoult! LOL, yeah right, but sure, why not? It’s a dry week; might as well make up a story from scratch. “The wedding will be in 2015.” Sure it will! According to OK!, Hoult proposed to Lawrence in front of her family on Christmas Eve. Jennifer “immediately started crying. Then she screamed ‘Yes, I’ll marry you!'” Then she fell on her ass. “Jennifer loves children and wants at least four kids!” Despite the allegation that she a $250,000 engagement ring, she apparently “has no immediate plans” to wear it in public, in order to keep her secret engagement secret. So secret it’s almost like it doesn’t exist and is just fan fiction made up during a slow week. “For Jennifer and Nick, getting married just seems like the right thing to do.” I am seriously never going to hate on a relationship between X-Men.

Kris Jenner: “Now that she’s gotten rid of Bruce, she acts like a 22-year-old sorority girl, partying around the clock.” I mean, duh …

Courtney Love on Trial for Tweeting: “An angry tweet by Courtney Love has landed in L.A. Superior Court, where the rocker’s former lawyer is suing her for libel.” Does this portend a court case related to the Jenna Jameson and 4chan love affair?

Adam Scott: “With a wife and two kids, Parks and Recreation star Adam Scott can’t afford to run short on bathroom tissue — so he picked himself up a 12-pack at Gelson’s.” ARE WE HAVING FUN YET?

Matthew McConaughey: “It’s celebration time.” Yes. Yes it is.

Robin Wright & Ben Foster: They’re in love and getting married. Awww, that’s good, because Sean Penn would make any woman feel billions of years old. Wright says of Foster, “My fiancé did a movie recently playing Lance Armstrong, and he was on an 800 calories a day diet. I said ‘In solidarity, I am going to go on the diet with you, even though I really want to go to an In-N-Out Burger.'” She says he makes her feel younger. “I was a late bloomer. I know I’m 48, almost, but I feel like I’m 30. I feel like I digressed and now I am going to live my 30s again.” You deserve it, girl. Stoked for House of Cards Season 2!

Kate Upton & Justin Verlander: A year after splitting, they’re back together! “They’re smiling snow, but last summer Kate dissed Justin, 30, in a snarky Twitter post intended for one of his best friends.” Yeah but apparently she was just covering for still wanting him!

Misc/Etc: “NEVER LOSE YOURSELF IN LOVE” “the most passive among a gaggle of strong personalities” “from visiting a strip club to pursuing a career” “I’m not connected to him emotionally anymore” “It’s a women’s anthem” “After her essay was published, Beyoncé posted a sexy shot of herself in a bikini on Instagram” “Producers will be looking for ladies with over-the-top lifestyles, who bring the drama” “Clothing is always optional for Rihanna” “wake me up for french fries” “Ice cream and a nail clipper!” “Giovanni Ribisi got his cranky on” “a stop at Ralph’s in Studio City” “getting tied up with ropes?” “LOVE ON A BUN” “insiders say their romance is on fire” “Angelina Jolie and her floppy hat” “OVERPROTECTIVE FATHERS” “it’s my job to say ‘Ya’ll got to stop!'” “She wears wigs all the time and they each have a name” “I was able to watch my fat being sucked out”


Life & Style

Jennifer Aniston’s IV Drip of Youth: “Jen is hooked on a crazy procedure: the antiaging IV drip, which entails having a needle stuck in her arm once a week to pump beautifying ingredients into her body.” Oh, sounds pretty coooooool! “She strives to look the way she did years ago — and will try very experimental methods of anti-aging to achieve that.”

Gisele Doesn’t Own a Hairbrush: “In my job, people are brushing my hair every day. The last thing I want [on a day off] is a brush in my hair!” I don’t even OWN a hairbrush!

Amber Heard & Johnny Depp: “HOW AMBER TRAPPED HIM.” Trapped him into proposing, that is. “Johnny Depp spent 14 years with the mother of his two children and never popped the question. Enter Amber Heard. It took the actress just two years with Johnny to get a ring on her finger. The 27-year-old’s secret to hooking Hollywood’s hottest star?” Being unbelievably beautiful? “She moved in with Johnny pretty quickly. Once firmly planted in Johnny’s abode, he didn’t stand a chance. He’s infatuated with her.” Well, I mean, I guess he must also have been a big fan of The Playboy Club.

Misc/Etc: “I’ve never had a one-night stand. The one quasi-one-night stand I had evolved into a two-year relationship!” “bruised a bone in her foot dancing in high heels (natch)” “Well isn’t this adorkable!” “Beyoncé got cuddly with a monkey and tiger cub” “Being small does have its benefits” “the hunk transformed” “The actress surfed up a storm” “snacked on waffles en route to school” “He loves his fedora!” “red doesn’t have to be sexy all the time” “I love the nature aspect” “a glimmer reminiscent of the 1980s” “800 pounds of filet mignon were served at the decadent meal” “Sofia Vergara, whose fiancé Nick Loeb was MIA, was spotted staring at and playing with her engagement ring”

Filed Under: Tabloids, Charlize theron, Sean Penn, Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez, Jennifer Lawrence, Nicholas Hoult, Brandi Glanville, Kelly Osbourne, Taylor Swift, Jeff Koons

Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

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