0:00 Just want to establish right at the top that I think “Wrecking Ball” is a great song and I can’t wait to watch the video for it. I generally root for Miley Cyrus and am eager to see her continue her journey of artistic and personal exploration with this video. I’ve been working for most of the morning so I haven’t yet watched or even heard much about this video, but it seems like people are talking about it, so way to go, Miley! Heeeere we go!

0:07 Wait, don’t start crying already, Miley. You’ve got to have something to work toward.

0:18 She looks great, though. It’s nice to see her play an emotion besides “turnt” for a change.

0:32 Oh, she looks a little turnt there.

0:44 Wow, her arms are awesome.

0:46 I really like her dedication to borderline-androgynous underwear as outerwear. This almost looks like a Fruit of the Loom ad from 1995. I can respect it.

0:48 Wait, what?

1:01 Well, this is pretty good so far. Hopefully that hammer fondling was just a fluke.

1:05 Hang on. How did that wrecking ball get that big? And why is Miley suddenly happy?

Or I mean, like, happy enough to make fuck-me eyes at the camera? On second thought, maybe happy isn’t the word I’m looking for.

1:10 I wasn’t really ready to go to the licking place with the hammer, but here we are.

1:15 OH MY GOD I AM SO SCANDALIZED. MILEY!!!

1:20 I don’t think I’ll ever know what it’s like to love anything the way Miley loves that large metal chain.

1:24 OK. MILEY. YOU ARE LITERALLY ALLOWED TO LICK ANYTHING YOU WANT IN THE WORLD BUT I PROMISE YOU THAT HAMMER IS COVERED IN ASBESTOS.

1:33 To be fair, the reason behind the popularity of HGTV’s programming is the well-known fact that after finishing with a particularly strenuous home-improvement project, people generally take off their clothes and straddle their power tools.

1:44 I’m realizing now that I have only four suggestions for improving this video.

1. Miley shouldn’t look at the camera. This is a private song about a private journey.
2. They should never show her riding the giant wrecking ball at normal camera speed because you can see it wobble, because it is clearly hollow and made of plastic.
3. They should stop cutting around so much, unless that much of the footage really was that unusable.
4. This should just be a video for another song entirely.

2:34 Really looks like an uncomfortable place for a nap, unless she is DYING FROM ASBESTOS POISONING.

2:42 She’s trying to do a Rihanna “Stay” thing, but she started at an emotional nine, instead of at a “barely cogent drug-induced catatonia.”

2:50 Poor Miley, though. I hope the chain (and accompanying ball) is supposed to be Liam, not the hammer. She seems to have more of a wistful, longing attachment to the chain, whereas the hammer is where she’s directing more of her pure, raw passion. I hope the hammer is her own sense of self-worth.

3:00 I’m actually used to, maybe even bored by, the idea of Miley Cyrus naked on a big fake wrecking ball by now. I’ve even made my peace with the hammer licking. I guess there are no more clothes to take off, so she’ll have to start innovating in another direction. Happens to everyone at some point or another.

3:09 Oh wait, she’s still wearing her Docs. Never mind.

3:38 H8 U, TR.