About Last Night: The Tuna Goes Marching In

Bill ParcelsIn case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday.

  • Bill Parcells said he would be a “hypocrite” if he didn’t consider the Saints’ offer to coach for a year in Sean Payton’s absence. He never really explained what he meant by “hypocrite,” but most experts agree that it has something to do with his hilarious yet poignant blog IllCoachAnywhere.joomla.com.
  • Magic Johnson was praised for his role in purchasing the L.A. Dodgers, but many wonder if the $2 billion price tag was too high, and question why Frank McCourt will maintain an economic interest in some of the land surrounding the stadium. “I promise not to build giant low-income housing high-rises that allow poor people to throw objects into the stadium from the highest windows,” McCourt said in a prepared statement. “Though I would prefer not to sign anything to that effect.”
  • Shabazz Muhammad, who has not yet decided where he’ll be attending college, scored 21 points as the West beat the East 106-102 in the McDonald’s All-American game. Afterward, Baylor coach Scott Drew approached Muhammad to compliment him and ask for his autograph. “Aw, shucks,” he said, “all I have is this dang sheet of paper full of legal mumbo jumbo! It’ll have to do, I spose. Just sign on the dotted line right there. My kids’ll be so happy.”
  • Sources indicate that a deal has been reached, and John Groce has agreed to coach the Illinois men’s basketball team. Meanwhile, at the offices of the Chicago Tribune, 17 different sports writers wrote the words “Groce Negligence” in bold magic marker, pegged it their bulletin boards, and whispered the words, “don’t fuck up, Johnny boy.”
  • The Knicks beat the Magic 108-86, but got some bad news when they learned that Amare Stoudemire will be out 2-4 weeks with a bulging disk. “I have no idea how it got there,” Stoudemire said. “I was having a great night, and then I passed out and woke up on the west side with my new … problem.”
  • LeBron James has a dislocated finger on his left hand, but said he will not miss any action, including Thursday’s game against the Mavericks. “Beat ‘em last June, and we’ll beat ‘em again tonight,” said James, who continues to believe that the Heat won the NBA Finals in 2011.
  • Despite Gary Williams’ claim that the Kentucky Wildcats would beat the Washington Wizards in one game in Rupp Arena, Magic coach Stan Van Gundy called the notion “absurd.” “There’s no reason why the Wizards couldn’t slow the game down, double-team Davis, get hot from the outside, and steal a win on the road,” he said. “And don’t forget, they have just as many NBA players as Kentucky.”
  • NFL owners voted to approve two proposals that subject every turnover to video review, and extend the playoff overtime rules to regular season games. Bills quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick told reporters he was thrilled with the replay development, noting that he’ll get a ton of free slow-mo exposure in 2012.
  • If Augusta National maintains its tradition of inviting the CEO of IBM (one of three primary sponsors) to become a club member, new CEO Ginni Rometty may become the club’s first female member. “Ugh, fine,” said Augusta chairman Billy Payne. “But she has to wear a prosthetic penis when she plays. I’m not budging on that.”
  • In case you missed Reader’s Revenge on Monday, this week’s topic is: Worst (Most Painful) Rejection. Your stories can be about you, a friend, or someone you know, and anonymity is allowed. Send your emails in to TobaccoRdBlues@gmail.com, and the best ones will make the list on Monday.

Filed Under: About Last Night, Amare Stoudemire, Illinois, Lebron James, Los Angeles Dodgers, New Orleans Saints, New York Knicks, Orlando Magic, Washington Wizards

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Shane Ryan is a contributing writer for Grantland. His book about the young stars of the PGA Tour will be published by Random House in early 2015.

Archive @ ShaneRyanHere