About Last Weekend: Zambrano Gets the Ban

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports over the weekend.

  • The long, terrible reign of Dan Uggla is over. Cubs second baseman Darwin Barney robbed Uggla of a hit in the fifth inning, and the Braves second baseman went 0-3 on the day, ending his season-long hit streak at 33 games. Now that the excitement has ended, Uggla will return to his former position as the canine mascot of the Georgia Bulldogs.
  • Cowboys coach Jason Garrett is ending the team’s tradition of rookie hazing. The newcomers will no longer have to carry a veteran’s shoulder pads or get terrible haircuts from the offensive linemen. This will no doubt make it harder for former receiver Michael Irvin to convince rookies that part of their hazing is to give him $500.
  • Terrelle Pryor is making his case for NFL eligibility. The former Ohio State quarterback wants to be included in Wednesday’s supplemental draft, and he told NFL officials that if it helps, he knows some dudes back in Columbus that can get him a college diploma for pretty cheap.
  • The Cubs banned Carlos Zambrano for 30 days after his actions on Friday, when he threw at Chipper Jones’ head, cleared out his locker, and left the stadium early with the promise that he was retiring. This is just the latest of many similar incidents for Zambrano. Team officials couldn’t help but note that he always seems to leave early on nights when ABC airs a new episode of Karaoke Battle USA.
  • Keegan Bradley held off Jason Dufner and Anders Hansen to win the PGA Championship. In a desperate PR effort to make the year’s final major relevant, though, the PGA gave the Wanamaker Trophy to 8th-place finisher Lee Westwood. It was Westwood’s first major, and ends discussion once and for all that he can’t win the big one.
  • The SEC is reportedly satisfied with their current alignment and will not be admitting Texas A&M as the conference’s 13th team. In an attempt at consolation, Iowa State showed up in College Station and was like, “hey, it’ll still be fun with just us, right?!” Later that evening, Texas A&M could be found staring through its windshield at a McDonald’s parking lot.
  • The Watkins Glen NASCAR Sprint Cup race was delayed by rain on Sunday, and will now go off Monday morning. For the remainder of this joke, please welcome our special guest blogger, the World’s Most Sarcastic Person: “God, Monday morning? How will I get any work done, ya knowwwww?”
  • The stalemate between Osi Umenyiora and the New York Giants ended on Sunday, and the defensive end will return to training camp this week. Sources close to the situation say said stalemate was broken when Umenyiora moved his last rook from d4 to g4, allowing the Giants (represented by Tom Coughlin) to attack with the knight at d2. This put Umenyiora’s king in check, and he was compelled to sacrifice his bishop and fracture his defensive stronghold. From there, Coughlin pinned the knight and pressed the advantage on the right side with his pawns, forcing Umenyiora to surrender in six moves.
  • Charlie Furbush gave up just one run in seven innings Sunday as the Mariners improbably won their weekend series against the Red Sox. The win so inspired Seattle owner Howard Lincoln that he briefly considered not selling the team to Oklahoma City when the season ends. Hey, calm down, Seattle fans! I’m just kidding! He’s actually selling them for scrap metal.
  • Nyjer Morgan’s sacrifice fly in the tenth inning gave the Brewers a walk-off win and a series sweep against the Pirates. Milwaukee extended their lead in the NL Central to five games, but their standing in Wisconsin’s hearts is a distant fourth, behind the Packers, fatty foods, and, strangely enough, Jay Leno.
  • The opening weekend of the English Premier League was highlighted by Seb Larsson’s gorgeous goal in Sunderland’s 1-1 draw with Liverpool. Among the rest of the league’s “top six,” Arsenal and Chelsea also drew, while Manchester United won with a late goal on the road. Tottenham’s first match was postponed due to the London riots, where violent, ugly men with red faces gathered to drink, scream, and rampage in large mobs. “Holding the match would have felt too redundant,” said a Tottenham spokesman.

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Filed Under: About Last Weekend, Arsenal, Atlanta Braves, Boston Red Sox, Chelsea, Chicago Cubs, Jay Leno, Manchester United, Milwaukee Brewers, Nascar, New York Giants, Pittsburgh Pirates, Seattle Mariners, Shane Ryan, Texas A&M