In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports over the weekend.

• Tim Duncan scored 21 points and Tony Parker added 17 as the Spurs moved on to the Western Conference Dinals with a 102-99 win (and a 4-0 sweep) over the Clippers. After the win, Duncan sneaked off to the parking lot, sat in the backseat of his minivan, and filled a plastic cup to the halfway line with red wine. “This is your moment, Tim,” he whispered to himself. “Enjoy.” He took one sip, stared at the wine, and whispered, “Don’t be a glutton” before carefully pouring the rest back in the bottle.
• LeBron James posted 40 points, 18 boards, and nine assists as the Heat staved off disaster with a 101-93 win over Indiana, tying the series at 2-2. “What a match!” said Chris Bosh, sitting on the bench in street clothes. “I cried nine times, and only four of those times were about something else. I was remembering the end of Harry Potter when the wizard … oh, here I go again. Anyone have a tissue? I’m out of tissues, guys. They wouldn’t let me take the Kleenex box in the building, so I had to stuff my pockets before I came in. LeBron called me ’tissue pants,’ and that was the first time I started crying, so I guess five of the nine times were about something else, and oh boy, here come the waterworks for real. What a night. Seriously, does nobody have a single tissue? NO, SPOELSTRA, I DON’T WANT YOUR DISGUSTING HANDKERCHIEF!”
• Shane Doan scored both Phoenix goals as the Coyotes avoided a sweep with a 2-0 win over the Kings. “Hey look, our shitty hockey team lost again,” said a guy from L.A., accidentally seeing a newspaper headline on the sidewalk. “Oh yeah,” said his friend, “they’re so shitty.” “We have a shitty hockey team?” asked a nearby homeless man, at which point everyone’s cell phone rang.
• Henrik Lundqvist made 36 saves as the Rangers shut out the Devils 3-0, taking a 2-1 lead in the Eastern Conference finals. Afterward, both coaches complained about the tactics of the other team, which included forcing three large men into a single goalie outfit (Rangers), doing jazz hands while skating backward (Devils), and handing out pamphlets from a local strip club (Rangers/Devils).
• Russell Westbrook scored 10 of his 37 points in a fourth-quarter rally and Kevin Durant hit the tie-breaking three with 13 seconds left in a 103-100 Thunder win over the Lakers. That puts the Lakers in a 3-1 hole and on the verge of elimination, which means Pau Gasol is only 48 minutes from having a whole offseason with his beloved string puppets Alfie and Doris.
• Andre Iguodala scored five straight points in the final 90 seconds as the 76ers fought back to take Game 4 against the Celtics, 92-83. “That damn Iguana keeps scoring!” shouted an irate Kevin Garnett. “Changing colors and shapes and sunbathing! What about the rules, David Stern?!” Celtics coach Doc Rivers gently tried to explain that Iguodala wasn’t an iguana, but Garnett wouldn’t hear it. “I know what I saw!” he shouted. “Goddamn iguana!”
• Scott Van Slyke’s first career home run propelled the Dodgers to a 6-5 win over the Cardinals. “You’ll never be as good as your old man, the great Pirates legend and future hall-of-famer Andy Van Slyke!” shouted a masked man in the crowd, who turned out to be mediocre former Pirate Andy Van Slyke.
• Stephen Strasburg struck out eight over five innings and helped his own cause with a home run as the Nationals beat the Orioles 9-3. He left the game in the sixth inning with a strained biceps, which will surely spark a renewed round of criticism about the dramatic three-minute flexing routine he employs after each strikeout.
• Indians pitcher Chris Perez called out the home fans for their lack of attendance, saying, “It’s just a slap in the face when you’re in first place and last in attendance.” Indians manager Manny Acta helped calm Perez down, reassuring him that the early numbers are just a fluke, and that soon they’ll be last in both categories. “So cheer up,” said Acta. “Let’s all take a little break from the stress and go watch the river burn.”
• As of press time, Rafael Nadal and Novak Djokovic are tied 5-5 in the first set of the delayed Rome Masters championship. Call me crazy, but I’ve always felt the rhythm of tennis deep in my bones, and I get the sense that this one’s going to end up with [Editor’s note: Please insert exact result of match in this space when it finishes].
• Jason Dufner holed a 25-foot birdie putt on the 18th hole to win the Byron Nelson Championship by one stroke over Dicky Pride. Pride faltered over the final few holes, perhaps rattled by the intense heckling of his arch rival, Penis Envy.