About Last Weekend: San Francisco’s Treat
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports over the weekend.
- The San Francisco Giants are World Series champions. Marco Scutaro hit the go-ahead single with two outs in the 10th inning as the Giants beat the Tigers 4-3 to sweep the series. Pablo Sandoval, who hit .500 in 16 at-bats with three home runs, a double, and four RBIs, was named the Series MVP. “Total bullshit!” said delusional Tigers outfielder Andy Dirks, who got his first hit of the series in the sixth inning of Game 4. “The MVP is so political now. It’s all about who you know.”
- The New York Giants lost a 23-point lead, but held on to beat the Cowboys 29-24 when Dez Bryant’s hand landed out of bounds on what would have been the go-ahead touchdown catch. Upon hearing that Bryant hadn’t kept his hands to himself, Dallas police officers immediately arrested him for violating his parole.
- Matt Ryan threw for 262 yards and three touchdowns as the Falcons remained undefeated with a 30-17 win over the Eagles. “CA-CAWWW!” said a bunch of Falcons, happily. “CA-CAWWWW!” said some eagles, forlornly. “WHERE’S MY PIE AT?!” said Andy Reid, visibly shaking. “WHERE’S MY FRIGGIN’ PUMPKIN PIE?!”
- Jimmie Johnson won his seventh career race at Martinsville Speedway, taking a two-point lead in the Chase for the Sprint Cup with three races remaining. The next two events are in Texas and Phoenix, and then the drivers head to Anchorage, Alaska, for the season’s final grueling test, the Iditarod Sled Dog Race.
- Peyton Manning (305 yards, three touchdowns) and the Broncos overwhelmed the Saints in Denver, winning 34-14. And now, Terrence the Grantland Robot: “OH MAN DID YOU GUYS SEE HOW I SCHOOLED HEZEKIAH IN OUR DUEL?! BLOWOUT! TOTAL DOMINATION! THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU MESS WITH KILLER T THE ROBOT! LESSON LEARNED, HEZEKIAH! YOU JUST GOT TERRENCED! WHO WANTS TO BUY A DUDE SOME OIL?!”
- Reigning NBA Sixth Man of the Year James Harden was traded from Oklahoma City to Houston, and plans to sign a long-term deal with the Rockets before the season begins. In order to acclimate to the change, he’ll also be attending Brian Wilson’s workshop, “How to Cope With Being a Guy Who Uses a Crazy Beard As a Substitute for an Actual Personality When You Are No Longer Relevant.”
- Everett Golson led no. 5 Notre Dame to 20 fourth-quarter points as the Irish remained unbeaten with a 30-13 win over no. 8 Oklahoma. There was some hostility in the parking lot after the game when Oklahoma fans in covered wagons attempted to ram Notre Dame fans in their bulletproof popemobiles, leading to several horse injuries.
- No. 1 Alabama scored touchdowns on its first three possessions en route to a 38-7 shellacking of no. 11 Mississippi State. Near the end of the game, Nick Saban was so happy that he angrily bit a special teams coach on the shoulder and fired a student assistant just to watch her cry.
- The Georgia defense forced six turnovers as the no. 10 Bulldogs beat no. 2 Florida 17-9 to take the lead in the SEC East. And now, a joke from Addison Turnberry, the sarcastic, smirking history professor: “Hey, Georgia, where was that defense in 1864? [Smirks.]”
- Javier Hernandez scored the winning goal as Manchester United won at Chelsea for the first time in a decade, beating the nine-man home side 3-2. Hernandez appeared to be offside when he tallied the winner, but officials hastened to remind fans that due to the constant scoring and nonstop action, it would be impractical to use instant replay in soccer.
Filed Under: About Last Weekend, Atlanta Falcons, Chelsea, Dallas Cowboys, Denver Broncos, Detroit Tigers, Florida, Georgia, Houston Rockets, James Harden, Manchester United, Nascar, New Orleans Saints, New York Giants, Notre Dame, Oklahoma, Oklahoma City Thunder, Peyton Manning, Philadelphia Eagles, World Series