In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday.

• Drew Brees threw for four touchdowns and ran for another as the Saints routed the Giants 49-24. After the running touchdown, he tried to dunk the ball over the goalposts, but was forced to settle for a finger roll when his legs failed him. In related news, Drew Brees is now Jason Kapono’s favorite player.

• John Elway went on radio to say he was “surprised” by the reaction to his comments last week that despite Tim Tebow’s success, Denver was no closer to finding the quarterback of the future. Mostly, Elway said, he was surprised by how fast a swarm of locusts could be summoned.

• Sources have reported that Jim Boeheim has no intention of resigning in the wake of the Bernie Fine scandal. “Some things are more important than the well-being of our children,” said Boeheim. “And one of those things is this dude, right here.” Sources report that while speaking, Boeheim was pointing at himself with both thumbs.

• In a message to poll voters, Nick Saban urged everyone to pick the “best two teams” for the BCS national title game. When asked to clarify which teams he meant, Saban said, “Alabama and San Jose State.”

• Penn State has named a six-person search committee tasked with finding a replacement for Joe Paterno. In a stunningly tone-deaf move, though, one of the members is Jerry Sandusky. Come on, Penn State! Wake up!

• Ohio St. has introduced Urban Meyer as the Buckeyes’ next head football coach. “He who hath supported the Tebow hath earned devotion undying,” said Ohio St. athletic director Gene Smith, speaking in a loud monotone as though he was possessed. “And he shall guide us to earthly paradise. Also, f— Michigan.”

• Buffalo receiver Steve Johnson apologized to Plaxico Burress for a touchdown celebration in Sunday’s game that included a pantomime of Burress’ self-inflicted gunshot wound from 2008. Despite the apology, though, New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg has vowed to send Johnson away to state prison for at least six months.

• Sources reported that Ndamukong Suh called commissioner Roger Goodell Sunday night to apologize for stomping on a Green Bay offensive lineman while he lay prone on the ground. “I’m a method actor,” Suh explained, “in an ongoing film about a total a——. Sorry.”

• In college hoops, Tu Holloway scored 24 points to lead no. 11 Xavier to a 82-70 overtime win over no. 19 Vanderbilt. Holloway has gained so much respect for his play this year that Spanish-speaking fans have begun calling him “Usted.”

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