In case you were busy explaining to your family that you aren’t a “doomsday prepper,” you’re just ready for anything, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday.

• Tiger Woods secured his first victory of 2013, easing to a four shot win at the Farmers Open at Torrey Pines. “Winning big tournaments — nothing’s better. This is the best feeling in the world,” Woods said, before snapping a rubber band on his wrist really, really hard. “Yup, no feeling in the world is better than this one.”
• Kansas, donning their monochromatic new blue jerseys, got their 18th consecutive victory, winning a hard-fought battle at West Virginia, 61-56. When asked about the new look, which left the text on their jerseys illegible, Kansas coach Bill Self explained, “NCAA regulations require that we have numbers on our jerseys, but the numbers themselves were angering portions of our in-state fan base, so we worked with our jersey supplier, Adidas, to find with what we considered to be a reasonable compromise.”
• Skylar Diggins scored 33 points, leading Notre Dame’s women’s basketball team past the Tennessee Lady Vols, 77-67, in Knoxville, making Notre Dame the first women’s team to top Tennessee and Connecticut on the road in the same season. When asked about the game, Notre Dame junior Will Matthews squinted and asked, “Sports? We don’t play sports, do we?” After a beat, he continued, “Wait, yes, I remember now … I remember a man, a cunning man with slick-backed hair. And those eyes. Those cold, dark eyes. But that was another time. A time before … Saban. And then darkness. Crushing infinite darkness.” Matthews then opened his mouth as if to scream, but made no sound.
• The Golden State Warriors beat the Toronto Raptors, 114-102, in Andrew Bogut’s return to NBA action. However, the news for the Warriors wasn’t all positive, as guard Stephen Curry had to leave the game with an ankle injury, and rookie forward Harrison Barnes insisted on continuing to try to make his nickname for forward David Lee, “The D-Lee-ger,” stick, even though everyone on the team already decided it was pretty lame.
• The Denver Nuggets squeaked out a home win over the Indiana Pacers, 102-101, after Pacers All-Star Paul George sent Andre Iguodala to the line for a game winning free-throw with under a second left. Pacers coach Frank Vogel took responsibility for the mistake after the game, saying, “I know Paul is a very literal man, so when I said, ‘Do whatever it takes to stop a lob pass,’ I really should’ve been more accurate. Now if someone could get him to stop physically hitting the showers, that would be great, because we have a damn plane to catch.”
• Marc Gasol finished off a big night by blocking Nick Young’s potential game-tying shot, as the Memphis Grizzlies escaped Philadelphia with a 103-100 win. An emotional Gasol said after the game, “This is the best feeling in the world. Now I know how Robert Oppenheimer felt when he said, ‘Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds.” Gasol then paused, before saying, “No, wait, sorry, that’s not who I feel like. I meant, now I know how Robert Palmer felt when he sang, ‘Might as well face it, I’m addicted to love.'” Gasol then snapped a rubber band on his wrist really, really hard.
• The Los Angeles Kings netted an equalizer with 40 seconds left in regulation, before beating the Vancouver Canucks in a shootout, 3-2 (1-0) at Staples Center. After the disappointing loss, twin forwards Henrik and Daniel Sedin sat down, held hands, and gazed deeply into each other’s eyes. After a few minutes, beleaguered Canucks goalie Roberto Luongo vanished into thin air. He has yet to reappear, though many are hoping he will re-enter our plane of existence soon in Chicago, Toronto, or Edmonton.
• FC Dallas and U.S. Men’s National Team winger Brek Shea has reportedly agreed to move to Stoke FC of the Premier League. When told of the transfer news, USMNT coach Jurgen Klinsmann said, “Oh, no! Stoke? For how long? They’re going to eat the poor bastard alive.” Klinsmann then texted Shea, “On your first day at Stoke, you have to punch the weakest guy in the throat. That way, the others won’t mess with you. Stay strong, never lose your hope, and know we’ll be here for you on the other side.”
• In an interview with CBSSports.com, Baltimore Ravens safety Bernard Pollard said that he doesn’t believe the NFL will exist in a few decades because of rule changes implemented to deal with the health risks of football. Pollard went on to explain, “I believe that new a sport, called CagePain, which fuses the best parts of UFC, Rugby and Ultimate Frisbee, will become central to an autocratic global society where love is outlawed, and food is doled out based on the number of knee ligaments you snap.” Pollard made his comments as he toured in support of his new self-published dystopian children’s book, Pernie and the Cage of Pain. The 24-page illustrated story centers on a handsome protagonist, Pernard, who, in the year 2043, is a professional CagePain fighter with a reputation as a bad boy with a heart of gold. In the end, he must endure one last match against the villainous Bom Trady and his Boston Autocrats, which he wins, before falling in love with a robot named Floe Jacco. Book sales remain light.