In case you were busy watching a pirate take forever to subdue a baby bear, here are the six biggest stories in sports you missed on Wednesday:

In important basketballing:

The San Antonio Spurs extended their winning streak to 19 games with a relatively easy 111-90 win over the Golden State Warriors, while the New York Knicks dominated their intracity matchup with the Brooklyn Nets 110-81. “I love winning streaks,” Spurs coach Gregg Popovich said after the game. “The bigger the winning streak, the bigger the flames when I light it on fire by resting everyone. And oh, I will. When you least expect it. I will rest everyone. For I am Gregg, destroyer of streaks and dreams! And you shall tremble before my awesome power of making tall men sit!”

In NO, NO, NO, NO, NO STOP WHY:

The Miami Heat beat the Milwaukee Bucks, 96-77, and LeBron James did this:

Gah! No, no, no, no, no. Not fair, LeBron. Not fair.

Shin-Soo Choo’s walk-off walk gave the Texas Rangers a 4-3 win over the Phillies on a night when Russell Wilson threw out the first pitch wearing a Rangers jersey.

Gah! No, no, no, no, no. Show me any other picture of Russell Wilson. NO! THAT’S SOMEHOW WORSE! WHAT THE HELL, RUSS?

In intracontinental football clashes:

Cristiano Ronaldo and Real Madrid handled Borussia Dortmund with ease, winning the first leg of their Champions League quarterfinal 3-0, while in meaningless friendly action, America and Mexico drew 2-2 after a series of American defensive gaffes allowed Mexico to overcome an early two-goal deficit. Wait, why would these two stories be paired? There’s no overlap between them at all … Unless … American defensive gaffes … Cristiano Ronaldo … American defensive gaffes … Cristiano Ronaldo … American defensive gaffes … Cristiano Ronaldo … [Frantically tacks up World Cup schedule to wall.] Hmmm. I think there’s something here. [Tacks up dossiers and newspaper clippings about Geoff Cameron and Ronaldo, connecting them with multicolored lengths of string.] Guys, I’m close on this one. [Paces, chain-smokes, and sips coffee. Stares meaningfully at wall. Whispers “Carcosa.” Drops coffee cup and watches it shatter on the ground.] Wait a second, America has to play Ronaldo at the World Cup. And he is capable of exploiting American defensive gaffes. Oh. That was it the whole time. Yeah, that’s bad news, I guess. Really should not have taken me four sleepless nights to figure that out, though.

In those last few games before the sweet nectar of playoff hockey returns:

Red-hot Gustav Nyquist burned Zdeno Chara to score the winning goal for the Detroit Red Wings, who topped the Boston Bruins, 3-2, in a crucial game for the Eastern Conference playoff race. “More like Zeno Charred-a,” said Nyquist after the game with a smile before quickly adding, “No, I guess it’s less like that. Because the ‘D’ is in his first name. Never mind.”

In important baseballing:

On a night full of walk-offs and low-scoring affairs, the best duel came early as Matt Garza and Aaron Harang both had no-hitters through six innings, with Chris Johnson’s home run proving the difference as Harang’s Braves grabbed a 1-0 win over the Milwaukee Brewers. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go see what the deal with this “iPhone” thing is because Aaron Harang won the day’s best pitching duel. I mean we used to have Cash, Hope, and Jobs, but we still have Jobs because Aaron Harang just won the day’s best pitching duel. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have high hopes for this Spider-Man 3, Shrek the Third double-feature I’m going to go see because Aaron Harang just won the day’s best pitching duel. Also, what is Grantland? GUYS? WHERE AM I WRITING? AARON HARANG JUST WON THE DAY’S BEST PITCHING DUEL???