In case you were busy picking the wrong Leonardo DiCaprio movie to model your life after and can’t get that damn iron mask off your face, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday:

• Bryce Harper marked his return from an extended layoff with a home run as the Washington Nationals topped the Milwaukee Brewers, 10-5. “Guys, I spent the time off really pushing things forward,” Harper said of his rehab. “And I think I’ve got it: The Babe. Bryce ‘The Babe’ Harper. ’Cause I look good. You know. Like a babe.” When told that nickname was taken, Harper replied, “Babe don’t care. Now someone get me my favorite candy bar: Snickers. Ol’ Bryce ‘Snickers’ Harper.”
• Manic Monday at the All England Club was headlined by a massive upset on the women’s side as Serena Williams was beaten by Sabine Lisicki in a three-set thriller, 6-2, 1-6, 6-4. Well, it was a massive upset for those of you who don’t really know women’s tennis. [Quickly Googles “Lisicki.”] I mean obviously she’s a great grass-court player, and despite her low seed is an instant favorite to win the whole thing. Us real tennis fans know [clicks down an entry] that Sabine Lisicki is also both German and tall. [Bings “Lisicki.”] Also, I think we all remember her work in Jerry Maguire … wait …
• The PGA has ratified the USGA’s move toward banning anchor putters from tournament play. This move continues history’s long arc toward justice, as was it not Thomas Paine himself who wrote, “Free swing! Fucking free swing!” And did not the great moral philosopher Aristotle say, “It’s fucking cheating. Anchor putting is fucking cheating. This is some bullshit.” And while, yes, some great Eastern thinkers on justice such as Siddhartha Gautama have said, “Come on, putting’s not driving, don’t be a bitch and let me putt with my belly,” I think Rene Descartes’s stance that, “I think, therefore anyone who uses an anchor putter is a cowardly piece of human garbage,” carries the day.
• In a rain-shortened affair, the Cincinnati Reds got to Giants rookie Michael Kickham early as they beat the San Francisco Giants, 8-1, in six innings. Despite the win, Reds manager Dusty Baker voiced his disappointment after the game. “Six innings is not enough. I didn’t get to do anything! No double switches. Triple switches. Some lefty-righty advantages. No really wearing down Bronson Arroyo, or maybe bringing in the closer, Aroldis Chapman, when people least expected it. Or as I like to call it, ridin’ Ol’ Chappy, because that sounds like the name of a sad old horse. Dusty and Ol’ Chappy. Like we’re the Lone Ranger and his horse: Chappy. You guys like horses?” Baker then began pounding his lectern, while yelling, “Dusty bored! Dusty want more innings!”
• Rookie Jose Fernandez struck out 10 as the suddenly surging Miami Marlins beat the San Diego Padres, 4-0, at home. However, when told that he joined only Doc Gooden and Kerry Wood as pitchers under the age of 20 who struck out 10 while allowing two or fewer hits and one or fewer walks, Fernandez’s face fell. “So this is what it’s like to see the future. I am cursed! A modern Tiresias, am I!” Fernandez then had to be restrained lest he blind himself with Giancarlo Stanton’s cuticle scissors.
• In an exhibition match against a bunch of semi-professional baseball players, Matt Moore threw seven scoreless innings as the Tampa Bay Rays beat the Houston Astros, 12-0. “I feel bad,” Moore said after the game. “I’m too competitive. I really should have let up on them, given them a nice ego boost. ‘Hey, maybe you, too, can play for a big league team,’ it would have said to them. I mean, they can’t. None of them. But still, it would have been nice.”
• Floyd Mayweather Jr. announced that he may continue fighting after his 30-month deal with Showtime/CBS runs out. “And it has nothing to do with my gambling habit. Seriously, I’ll bet you $5 million that me continuing to fight has nothing to do with my gambling. $10 million. $100 million! Bet me! Bet me now!”
• Reports suggest that the Miami Heat and the San Antonio Spurs are among the top suitors for the services of former top pick Greg Oden. You know what, guys? I’m not going to take the bait. If you don’t have anything nice to say, say meaningless platitudes: Greg, may your quest for work be fruitful, and may you recover fully from your injuries. I’m not going to make a joke about how the NBA Finals would have been better with a 72-year-old cripple playing in the low post. I’m not going to. You know why? I’m better than that. No. No. We’re better than that.