In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.

• Stephen Strasburg made his long-awaited return from injury for the Nationals, throwing five scoreless innings and getting a no decision in a 7-3 loss to the Dodgers. It’s good news for the city of Washington, where the situation is so dire that if Strasburg had lasted another inning, he would’ve automatically become the House majority whip.

• Jeff Gordon notched his 85th career victory, holding off Jimmie Johnson over the last ten laps to win the AdvoCare 500 at the Atlanta Motor Speedway. In order to keep from getting passed at the end, Gordon used the infamous old-man-in-a-Cadillac method, driving 30 mph, listening to Barbra Streisand cassettes, and inadvertently blocking Johnson’s way whenever he tried to go by.

• After a four-hour rain delay, the Yankees used Francisco Cervelli’s seventh-inning home run to break a tie and top the Orioles 5-3. It was a tough loss for the Orioles, made tougher by the fact that Francisco Cervelli was the only Yankee to stay through the long delay and take the field.

• Speaking of rain, all play was canceled at yesterday’s U.S. Open. The only exception was Rafael Nadal, who defeated Mother Nature by himself in a grueling five-set match on center court.

• After listing David Garrard as the starting quarterback throughout the preseason, the Jaguars released him yesterday, just days before the start of the season. “Things are pretty bad here, so a quarterback isn’t really necessary,” said head coach Jack Del Rio. “We can use that money to buy like seven punters.”

• Belgium defeated the U.S. 1-0 in an international soccer friendly, leaving Jurgen Klinsmann winless in three matches as head coach. Klinsmann tried to explain to reporters that it would take some time and growth before he could start delivering results, and that everyone should have more realistic expectations, all of which made Freddy Adu laugh bitterly for hours.

• The Red Sox clobbered the Blue Jays, and got the news that Josh Beckett will miss at least his next start with an ankle injury. And now it’s time for: the hack sportswriter monologue of the morning!

How about that human body, eh folks? If it isn’t the head bringing you down, it’s the shoulders, chest, waist, or knees. But ankle? Who does this guy Beckett think he is, Achilles? But seriously, when the ankle fails it’s just adding insult to injury. I bet Beckett wants to take his ankle aside and have a heart-to-heart. “You’ve got one job, ankle: walk,” he’d say. “That’s what you were made for. I don’t ask you to deal with the media, or throw a curve ball, or decide how to pitch to Curtis Granderson on a 3-1 count. I’ve got other parts for that. That’s all taken care of, thanks very much, leaving you with a simple task. But you had to go and get special, didn’t you? You had to be the big story, ankle. The tiny speck of debris taking down the entire fighter jet.” Me, I don’t blame him. I’ll tell you one thing, folks, I’m about fed up with these ankles. No injury is fun, but at least the knee’s got some history behind it. If it were up to me, I’d send every ankle down to the minors until they got their hearts — or tendons — in the right place. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to have a serious talk with my pinky toe.

• The Phillies picked up their MLB-best 90th win behind six strong innings from Vance Worley, beating the Braves 6-3. In a super-arrogant move, they proceeded to give five of those wins to the Mets, who initially refused the charity in front of their fans before chasing after the Phillies and accepting in private.

• Braylon Edwards was fined $50,000 by the NFL, but not suspended, for a DUI he received last September. His blood alcohol content was twice the legal limit; witnesses at the party beforehand said it could have been way more, but he kept dropping his drinks.

• C.J. Wilson pitched a complete game shutout, and the Rangers crept ever closer to the postseason with an 8-0 win over the Rays. If Wilson continues to perform, the team has promised him that he’ll soon earn a contract extension and an adult first name.

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