About Last Night: Spurs Finally Fall Off Their High Horse

Tim DuncanIn case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday.

  • Kevin Durant scored 22 points and Thabo Sefolosha nabbed six steals as the Thunder dealt the Spurs their first loss of the postseason, 102-82. “Tim’s pretty upset at the weakening Euro, and the fact that the poor countries face default as resources flow to the EU’s most prosperous countries,” said Spurs coach Gregg Popovich of star center Tim Duncan. “He feels like he can trace the ripple effect directly to our economy. In fact, he did. He traced it in a really complex flow chart on the locker room whiteboard. Pretty impressive, actually. But my point is, we lacked focus out there.”
  • Miami Heat coach Eric Spoelstra says that complaints of favorable treatment from referees have been frustrating, but that his team will still be aggressive in attacking the rim and trying to draw fouls. He also confirmed that Shane Battier will continue making the incredibly realistic whistle noise he learned from a ventriloquist whenever there’s even slight contact against his teammates.
  • UCLA defended its decision to award a full scholarship to Justin Combs, the son of rapper Sean “Diddy” Combs, despite his family’s great wealth. “Scholarships aren’t need-based and don’t rely on taxpayer money,” a team spokesman said. “Puff Kiddy earned this.” When the words reached Puff Kiddy, he was irate. “Yo, stop f***ing calling me that!” he said. “Nobody f***ing calls me Puff Kiddy!” At last report, Puff Kiddy was probably playing with adorable action figures.
  • Phil Mickelson withdrew from the Memorial Tournament after shooting a 7-over 79 in the opening round, citing mental fatigue. For those unfamiliar with the Memorial, it’s a unique tournament in the sense that the players have to answer a riddle posed by a man in a wizard’s hat after each hole.
  • Matt Kemp is expected to miss at least four weeks with an aggravated hamstring, according to Dodgers team trainer Sue Falsone. “Hey, Sue, why don’t you do your job instead of talking with the media all day,” said Kemp’s hamstring, which seems to be getting more aggravated all the time. “Or are you still trying to promote your shitty screenplay? Is that it? Falcone, the story of a beautiful trainer trying to keep a team healthy and balance her love life? Give me a break, Sue. Give me a friggin’ break.” Matt Kemp watched helplessly as the hamstring reduced Falcone to tears, whispering “I’m so sorry” just before she ran out of the room.
  • Zack Greinke pitched six effective innings as the Brewers finished a four-game sweep of the Dodgers, winning 6-2. “Oh, GREAT friggin’ work,” said Matt Kemp’s hamstring, berating the team in the locker room. “Why don’t you have another hot dog, Chad Billingsley, you fat friggin’ idiot.”
  • Max Scherzer pitched into the seventh inning to earn his third-straight win as the Tigers avoided a sweep with a 7-3 win over the Red Sox. “My team is total crap,” said Bobby Valentine, speaking over the phone with Matt Kemp’s hamstring. “I mean, they’re a bunch of losers. Hey, listen, when you coming back into town? You and I need to get a beer, you old so-and-so.”
  • Boxer Floyd Mayweather Jr. is set to begin an 87-day jail sentence for domestic assault Friday. While many in the Las Vegas prison population are clamoring for him to fight penitentiary champion Forrest “Steel Paws” Sacaretti, Mayweather representatives said that while they’d love a fight, there are a lot of obstacles, including Sacaretti’s weird refusal to undergo a full cavity search by an independent 10-person commission before the fight.
  • On a day when Rafa Nadal and Andy Murray advanced at the French Open, American John Isner lost 18-16 in the fifth set to Paul-Henri Mathieu in a match lasting five hours and 41 minutes. Isner played the longest match in tennis history two years ago at Wimbledon, and has now earned the nickname “Marathon Man.” “I wish,” said his sassy Long Island wife, Sophia.
  • Fourteen-year-old Snigdha Nanipati won the Scripps-Howard National Spelling Bee, nailing “guetapens” to take home the title. Nanipati held her trophy up proudly, relishing the moment before a lifetime of trying to hide it from potential romantic interests.

Filed Under: About Last Night, Boston Celtics, Boston Red Sox, Detroit Tigers, French Open, Kevin Durant, Los Angeles Dodgers, Miami Heat, Milwaukee Brewers, NBA Playoffs, Oklahoma City Thunder, San Antonio Spurs, Tiger Woods, UCLA, Zack Greinke