In case you were busy celebrating National Croissant Day by gorging yourself on refrigerated crescent rolls to spite the French, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday.

• Brooklyn Nets forward Reggie Evans raised some eyebrows before his team’s game against the Miami Heat by saying he was “unimpressed” with Miami forward LeBron James. “He’s no different than Joe Johnson or Andray Blatche,” said Evans, who suffers from a rare illness where he mixes up names and faces within professional organizations. Evans went on to say, “I saw that white kid play at Florida, and he’s a good shooter, but people talk about him like he’s the best in the world, when obviously their real superstar is small forward Joel Anthony. That guy’s a triple-double threat every night, like the reincarnation of Byron Scott and Toni Kukoc in a single body. Where’s the Joel Anthony MVP talk? That’s what I, Mikhail Prokhorov, want to know.” The Heat went on to blow out the Nets, 105-85, in Brooklyn, as Evans missed every last one of his defensive assignments.
• The Phoenix Suns beat the Los Angeles Lakers, 92-86, in Steve Nash’s return to Phoenix. “It makes you think,” Lakers guard Kobe Bryant said after the game, flipping a silver dollar. “It makes you think about loyalty, and fate, and betrayal. It makes you think about luck. I wonder if Steve is feeling lucky right now?” Bryant then flipped the coin high into the air, and walked away, letting it fall to the ground, landing tails side up. Without turning back, Bryant said under his breath, “Tails. It always lands tails. Too bad.”
• Derrick Rose participated in full-contact practice with the Chicago Bulls for the first time since tearing his ACL last April. When Bulls coach Tom Thibodeau made the announcement to his team, Carlos Boozer responded, “I didn’t know practices were full contact,” before choking out reserve power forward Taj Gibson with a sleeper hold, climbing up on top of a basket at the Bulls training facility, and unleashing a mounted elbow drop on Kirk Hinrich. Boozer then yelled out his signature catchphrase, “Can you smell the Booze stank in the room?!” before being restrained by Bulls assistant coach Adrian Griffin. A seriously rattled Bulls team, missing Boozer with a “sore right hamstring,” still found a way to win in Milwaukee, 104-88.
• The Memphis Grizzlies sent Rudy Gay to Toronto as part of a three-way trade to reduce their salary cap figure. When asked about the trade, Gay said, “First Grizzlies, now Raptors? Out of the frying pan and into the fire,” before cocking a shotgun that was marked “DinoBearBlaster,” in Sharpie.
• Arsenal fought back from a 2-0 deficit against Liverpool to salvage a 2-2 draw in an enthralling match at Emirates Stadium. Arsenal striker, Frenchman Olivier Giroud, who both scored a goal and missed a late chance to put the Gunners ahead, told the media after the match, “Sport is just theater, and if I allow my audience their pathetic catharsis with ‘winning’ or ‘losing,’ then there is no real pain, no real meaning.” Giroud then pulled a Gauloises out of his well-coiffed hair, donned a jet pack powered by his own ennui, and flew off to “bring a deeper knowledge of existence to those who suffer, through … eh, what is a word in your language that means ‘not helping’? We have so many in my language.”
• In men’s college basketball, the Kansas State Wildcats won in a romp over Texas, 83-57. With the loss, the Longhorns fell to 9-11, and it looks increasingly likely that Texas head coach Rick Barnes will lose his job after this season. However, so long as Barnes is still employed, About Last Night will be running a recurring new feature in which we remind America that Rick Barnes did not make the Sweet 16 with Kevin Durant on his team. It’s called “America, Rick Barnes Did Not Make the Sweet 16 With Kevin Durant on His Team.” America, Rick Barnes did not make the Sweet 16 with Kevin Durant on his team. This concludes the first edition of, “America, Rick Barnes Did Not Make the Sweet 16 With Kevin Durant on His Team.”
• The Florida Gators ran up the score on their rivals from South Carolina Wednesday, winning 75-36 in Gainesville. Current South Carolina and former Florida football coach Steve Spurrier was rocking gently in his favorite Adirondack chair, sipping some sweet tea, when his wife, Jerri, told him about the game. “Oh, hot dog,” Spurrier said as he chuckled lightly and shook his head. “I can’t say I like that result, but I’m proud of [Florida basketball coach] Billy [Donovan],” Spurrier said, adding wistfully, “I guess he’s the old ball coach now. What does that make me, Jerr?” “My husband,” she said as she mussed his hair, and refilled his glass. “And the best damn score-runner-upper that school ever did see.” She then sat next to him, and held his hand as they watched the sun set over the palmetto trees.
• The Ottawa Senators kept up their red-hot start to the NHL season, topping the Montreal Canadiens, 5-1, at home. The Senators continued their big day by passing new zoning regulations for the province of Ontario, which will allow industrial developments to expand more easily, making Ontario the most business-friendly east-central Canadian province. “This is a big day for everyone in my province, from Ottawa to Burglesburg, who wants Montreal to stick it up their poutine holes,” Senators winger and chairman of the Ontario Provincial Ways and Means committee Daniel Alfredsson said after the game. Alfredsson then performed the ceremonial “throwing down of gloves,” which is the formal Canadian process through which a bill becomes a law.
• Christopher Key, co-owner of SWATS, a company that sells a controversial deer-antler spray to athletes, said that he personally saw five Alabama players use his product, which qualifies as an illegal performance-enhancing drug. However, the NCAA will not pursue sanctions in the case, as NCAA President Mark Emmert decided that being publicly known as a man who puts liquefied deer antler fur under your tongue so that your tendons get stronger is punishment enough for these young men.