About Last Night: LeBron Forgets to Choke
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday.
- LeBron James scored 32 points, including four in the critical final minutes, as the Heat evened the NBA Finals with a 100-96 win over the Thunder. In the aftermath, tragedy struck when James Harden was hooked, reeled in, and fried by avid fisherman Karl Malone. “When I saw him flopping around on the TV, I knew this would be my greatest challenge yet,” said Malone. “But I baited him with a flavored referee’s whistle, and man, he was all over it.”
- Michael Thompson shot a 4-under 66 to take the lead after the first round of the U.S. Open, while Tiger Woods is close behind at -1. If the two are paired for the weekend, Thompson has already made the controversial decision to dress like a prostitute to rattle Woods.
- Former Jazz coach Jerry Sloan removed his name from the list of candidates for the Charlotte Bobcats head coaching position. The decision proved more difficult than expected, as the list was written in really thick orange crayon.
- Lance Armstrong and his attorneys are mulling their options as they prepare to counter allegations that Armstrong doped between 1998 and 2011. “What if I peed in the courtroom to show everyone I’m clean?” asked Armstrong. “No,” said his lawyer. “You didn’t even consider it!” Armstrong yelled. “Yes I did,” said his lawyer, “the minute the words left your mouth, I considered how f—ing stupid it was.” “The jury would love it! It’s never been done!” Armstrong countered. “Because nobody is dumb enough to pee in a f—ing courtroom!” shouted his lawyer. “I’M PEEING IN A COURTROOM, BABY! THIS IS HAPPENING!” Armstrong screamed, loosening his belt.
- In a slow night for baseball, Matt Wieters and Steve Pearce drove in five runs apiece as the Orioles won their fifth straight game, 12-6 over the Pirates. “Yarrrrrr! We be doing something wrong! Avast!” said losing pitcher Erik Bedard, after which the team confronted him to say that although the pirate joke was definitely hilarious in spring training, it had probably run its course.
- Kirk Nieuwenhuis hit two home runs as the Mets finished a sweep of Tampa Bay, winning 9-6. “Hey, thanks for the help,” said the Yankees, barely looking at the Mets as they passed them in the hallway. The Mets nodded in awe, then ran home to write about “the best day ever” in their official Derek Jeter diary.
- In an interesting sub-plot to Matt Cain’s perfect game, Ted Barrett became the first home plate umpire to call two of them. When asked for a comment about his good fortune, Barrett just kept grimacing and shouting, “Steeeeeee-rriikkkkkkeeee thuuu-rreeeeee!”
- Some Sprint Cup drivers are complaining about the speed at the newly resurfaced Michigan International Speedway, with cars going as fast as 218 mph in the lead-up to this weekend’s race. The conditions were so hazardous that even evil NASCAR villain Jeronimo Machu Picchu de la Guerra considered not releasing patches of hot oil from the rear of his car during the race.
- After shocking Pierre-Luc Gagnon to win the skateboard vert gold medal in last year’s X Games, Shaun White will not defend his title this year. For those keeping track at home, that means you won’t be seeing any of the following skateboard tricks from White: the oopsy, the sober platypus, the wacky dunce, the ho-hum, the quintennial, the flatside inverted Reagan, the nervous greyhound, the drunken platypus, the junior prom mistake, the ha-ha-McSmitty, the two-wheel screwdriver removal, the silversmith’s grind, the blacksmith’s grind, the blacksmith’s revenge, the blacksmith’s lament, the Bolivian three-hand plant, Anthony Michael Hall, the Google alert, the tipsy platypus, the written crotch declaration, All About Eve, the party pooper, the sexual flip, the non-sexual flip, the saddening, Mordecai the Falconer, oil money, offensive graffiti, the true antenna, the false antenna, the company picnic, Disgusting Massachusetts, the bearded shrink, the lady shrink, the Bourne Identity, and the fascist platypus.
- A new NCAA rule will allow Division I men’s basketball coaches to make unlimited calls and send unlimited texts and Twitter messages to recruits who have finished their sophomore year of high school. “What about PayPal?” asked Kentucky head coach John Calipari. “Are we still adhering to these arcane 20th-century standards for PayPal, of all things? It’s the Twitter of the bank world!”