In case you were busy throwing your old iPad in the garbage like the trash that it is, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday:

• The University of Miami avoided major additional sanctions related to the Nevin Shapiro scandal, as the NCAA only revoked a small number of scholarships, deeming the school’s self-imposed two-year bowl ban to be sufficient punishment. “Are you serious?” said former Ohio State head coach Jim Tressel when asked for comment. “Nothing? Weren’t they having crazy sex parties? My boys just got a handful of free tattoos and we faced worse. Well, I want to be very careful with what I say here. Because I know NCAA procedure is complicated, and we were not in the right when I was let go. But fuuuuuuuuuuuudge that.” Only Tressel didn’t say “fudge.” He said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the “F-dash-dash-dash” word. Later, when asked by NCAA president Mark Emmert where he learned that word, Tressel refused to admit that it was from former NCAA president Myles Brand, instead blaming former Michigan coach Lloyd Carr, who is now himself under investigation by the NCAA.
• Four unanswered goals from the Maple Leafs, including a Phil Kessel hat trick, was the difference as Toronto beat Anaheim, 4-2, snapping the Ducks’ seven-game winning streak. “Finally, leaves are sticking up for themselves,” said a tiny man who introduced himself as Ted Lorax after the game. “Ducks have been rudely making nests out of leaves in our trees for too long! Who will speak out against the ducks? I will! For I am a Lorax!” When it was explained to Lorax that the Ducks and Leafs were hockey teams playing a professional hockey game, Lorax grew sad and added, “Oh, corporatized athletics involving wooden sticks? That’s much much much worse than what I was picturing in my head.”
• Two-time Cy Young winner Tim Lincecum will stay in San Francisco after agreeing to a two-year, $35 million deal with the Giants. “We’re doing everything we can to keep up with the Dodgers,” said Giants general manager Brian Sabean. When asked how paying more than $17 million a year to a 1.5 WAR player will help them catch the Dodgers, Sabean replied, “Now I don’t know about all that. I’m just saying it gives us the perfect foil to the almost $16 million they’re paying Josh Beckett next year.”
• Alex Ovechkin scored two goals, giving him an NHL-leading nine on the season, and his Washington Capitals beat the Winnipeg Jets, 5-4, in a shootout. “Jets and shootout? That is unexpected in your American football and military, yes?” said Ovechkin after the match, as he continues to assimilate himself with a joke about American culture. “But seriously peoples,” Ovechkin went on to say, “cost of jets relative to number of shootouts they get in crippled my country’s economy and threatens yours as well. There is valuable lesson to be learned, even in humor joke.”
• Chelsea striker Fernando Torres was sublime, scoring two goals for the Blues, who thrashed Schalke 04, 3-0, in Champions League play. And by sublime, I mean that the shock caused by the quality of Torres’s play sublimated a number of Chelsea supporters into a gaseous state. Here’s hoping that they will soon condense on a rainy London evening, so that they may be showered down upon their loved ones, who can freeze them back into their solid forms where they can express their surprise at Torres’s form in a less self-destructive manner.
• The San Antonio Spurs appeared to be in midseason form with a 123-101 preseason win over the Orlando Magic. Gregg Popovich was not pleased after the game, saying, “We played Tim Duncan for 24 whole minutes? That’s going to haunt me. I mean, 24 minutes? He could have died out there!” When asked if he would take any positives away from his team’s big win, Popovich grudgingly conceded, “Yes, we did some things well. We got Tony Parker a DNP-CD. That was good. The rest of the game was a nightmare though.”
• Josh Freeman is still Minnesota’s starting quarterback despite his ineffective debut in the Vikings’ 23-7 loss to the New York Giants. “It’s like I always say, don’t change horses in midstream,” explained Vikings head coach Leslie Frazier. “Unless you already have, and then you realize you never had any horses to begin with, and you’re sitting on three kids dressed up like a horse trying to sneak into a circus, and one of those kids has drowned to death, and one of those kids couldn’t hit the broad side of his barn, and one of those kids is Matt Cassel.” Frazier then exhaled deeply and added, “I’m so fuuuuuuuudging fired.” Seriously, he said fuuuuuuuudge, and he’s likely to be fired soon.