About Last Night: Dodgers’ Magic Act

Matt KempIn case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.

  • The Los Angeles Dodgers have been sold for a record $2 billion to a group that includes NBA legend Magic Johnson. “The clock just struck midnight for Frank McCourt,” Johnson said. “And now it’s time for The Magic Hour!” A PR rep quickly hurried to his side and whispered in his hear, after which Johnson boomed, “And now it’s time for what we’re calling anything but The Magic Hour!”
  • Andrew Bynum was benched in the Lakers’ 104-101 win over the Warriors for taking an ill-advised 3-pointer in the third quarter. “I don’t know what was bench-worthy about the shot, to be honest with you,” said Bynum. “I made one [against Memphis], and I wanted to make another one. I swear. That’s it.” He paused, took a long sip of water, and sighed. “And I wanted to make this one by bouncing it off my ass. It’s never been done before. Sue me.”
  • Sources reported that LeBron James may have dislocated his finger in Monday’s loss to the Pacers. Either that, or he’s covering up the new Game of Thrones tattoo he got on his finger because he’s embarrassed. But that seems crazy; why would you be embarrassed about something so awesome, mom? I know you’re reading this. My Game of Thrones tattoo is awesome.
  • Despite reports that he was on the hot seat last week, Clippers coach Vinny Del Negro received a vote of confidence from owner Donald Sterling, and is likely to at least finish out the season. “The only reason Vincent was on the hot seat,” Sterling explained, “was to amuse my friends at one of my weird Hollywood sex parties. Oh how we love to see them squirm.
  • In his first interview since the NFL handed down a one-year suspension, Saints coach Sean Payton said he is still deciding whether or not to appeal, but will name the Saints interim coach in two to three days. He’s considering a few different people, but said the leader right now is a man named Jean Payton, his French cousin who looks exactly like him except that he wears a beret and smokes.
  • The rest of the women’s Final Four is set, with Notre Dame defeating Maryland and UConn defeating Kentucky. If you’re keeping track at home, that means the no. 1 seed beat the no. 2 seed in every region in the Elite 8. I haven’t seen a lack of competitive balance like this since Dominique Moceanu fell off the balance beam in the ’96 Olympics, am I right, women’s sports fans?
  • Sources indicate that Ohio coach John Groce, who led his team to the Sweet 16 this year, is in negotiations to take over the head coaching job at Illinois. When he heard the news, Groce’s uncle Jim called him with a very important message: “You don’t tug on superman’s cape. You don’t spit into the wind. You don’t pull the mask off that ole Lone Ranger, and seriously, don’t take the Illinois job. It’s a bottomless pit.” And then John Groce was like, “Wait, aren’t you dead? And isn’t your last name Croce, with a C?” And Jim was like, “Yeah, but fuck you, because there really isn’t time to rewrite this whole joke.”
  • Court documents obtained by the Chicago Tribune indicate that Dennis Rodman’s alcoholism has prevented him from staying current on child support, and he now owes $800,000 in back payments. In a last desperate move, Rodman phoned up Karl Malone and told him he’d be really annoyed if Malone paid his child support for him. “I know you think you’re in my head, but those days are over,” said Malone, as he smiled smugly and began writing out an $800,000 check to Rodman.
  • The defending Super Bowl champion New York Giants will open up the 2012 NFL season by hosting the Dallas Cowboys at MetLife Stadium on September 5. When he heard the news, Giants owner Wellington Mara called up Cowboys owner Jerry Jones and was like, “Hey, Jerry, isn’t this the 20th anniversary of the last time you guys won a Super Bowl? We should totally do something.” And Jones was like, “18th anniversary! Arrrrgh! Jerry Jones never goes 20 years without winning a Super Bowl!” And then he thought for a moment and was like, “Wait a second, aren’t you dead?” And Wellington was like, “Yeah, but it’s getting late, and seriously, there’s no time to rewrite this joke. But fun fact: My granddaughter was in that Swedish sex crime movie. With the tattooed dragons.”

Filed Under: About Last Night, Andrew Bynum, Dallas Cowboys, LeBron James, Los Angeles Clippers, Los Angeles Dodgers, New York Giants, Sean Payton