In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday. And by the way, why are you living a life of leisure on a Monday? You need to slow down before you burn out young.

• Charlie Morton was the night’s best pitcher, lasting eight scoreless innings as the Pittsburgh Pirates beat the San Francisco Giants, 5-0. As of 4:30 this morning, Morton was still waiting patiently at his locker for a reporter to ask him about the game.
• Dan Uggla is now one game away from the year’s longest hitting streak. His lone hit Monday night, an infield single, extended the streak to 29 games and helped the Atlanta Braves beat the Florida Marlins, 8-5. Experts predict that the nation has about eight to 10 more games before we need to start seriously worrying about how horrible it would be for Dan Uggla to break Joe DiMaggio’s record.
• Real Madrid made waves in the soccer world by signing 7-year-old Leonel Angel Coira. Many pundits wondered whether the deal, a 30-year, 75-juice-box contract, was fair under labor laws. When pressed for comment, team representatives were quick to point out that the incentive-laden agreement allows Coira to earn up to 40 additional animal crackers per year if he meets certain performance benchmarks.
• Tim Tebow is listed as the no. 2 quarterback on the latest Broncos depth chart. And before any of us get critical, I would ask that we all remember another man who was no. 2 on a certain depth chart. Right below his Father. (Ken Griffey, Jr., who played with his dad in the early ’90s.)
• Roy Halladay notched his NL-best 15th win of the season as the Philadelphia Phillies beat the Los Angeles Dodgers, 5-3. Shane “the Pineapple Kid” Victorino added three hits for the Phillies. That nickname is completely made up, but the photoshopped poster I have of Victorino wearing a pineapple on his head while catching a fly ball on a surf board is very, very real.
• Penn State coach Joe Paterno said he was fine after a receiver collided with him in practice. Onlookers reported that the receiver, who quickly left the field and was not identified, looked suspiciously like Tom Bradley, the defensive coordinator who has served under Paterno for more than 30 years.
• Tampa Bay’s Casey Kotchman broke a tie in the bottom of the ninth with a walk-off solo shot against the Royals. The win comes at an inopportune time for Tampa residents, who totally love baseball but are just really engrossed by this whole dragon boat thing right now.
• Josh Bell made a spectacular charging play on a Juan Pierre bunt, but his Baltimore Orioles lost to the Chicago White Sox, 7-6. The team still doused Bell in Gatorade after the game, saying, “It’ll probably be our only chance to do something special like that.”
• The Mets had a walk-off of their own when Lucas Duda’s two-run single put them past the Padres, 9-8. This will probably end the notion that Lucas Duda is a veteran forward on the Italian soccer team once and for all. Probably.

Shane Ryan is a staff writer for Grantland. Follow him on Twitter at @TobaccoRdBlues.

Previously from Ryan:
The Worst Weekend in Baseball History: An Irrational, Reactionary Yankees Fan Sounds Off

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