True Blood Season 5, Episode 9: ‘Everybody Wants to Rule the World’

True BloodContinuing our hopes of a True Blood/The Newsroom crossover (first order of business: Pam drains and enslaves Will McAvoy), the show jumps ahead slightly for the first time this season. It would be amazing if the writers permanently freed themselves from the gimmick of every episode picking up where the last one ended. The cliffhangers have become laughable, resolving within the first minute of the next episode. It’s impossible to wring much tension out of it that way.

So we begin with news footage of a fire at a Tru Blood factory in Houston that resulted in six casualties. Great timing for a flippant plotline about terrorist acts. (NOT!) This means some time must have elapsed since Bill hatched that idea at the end of the last episode and they followed through with its execution. Unless vampires can just light psychic fires in the outside world with their minds? I don’t know, I don’t expect this shit to make sense.

On the plus side, you’re getting a really nice tan?

In the Ridley Scott movie chamber, a naked bald guy is being offered up before the vampire squad. Wow, is that a dick? A flaccid dick, but still, hey! A dick! On True Blood! Proving that nudity-happy HBO can go bottomless as well as topless every once in a while. They never showed Thomas Jane’s fabled member on Hung, even though it was the star. On the other hand, we got (had) to see Peter Scolari’s flaccid penis on Girls this year, so be super-careful what you ask for.

Snarky leather-jacketed vamp Molly (Tina Majorino) stalks the hallways of The Authority’s tasteful marble lobby. She asks for advanced clearance from the girl working the desk, who smiles her away with a Paige Michalchukian “Sorry, hon.” Eric meets her in a dark back room to discuss the likelihood of their escaping from the Lilith Fair alive. She assures him their chances are not very good. Sorry, hon!

“Lord, if this bitch asks me who she should date next one more time…”

Sookie and Lafayette play Bloody Mary in a mirror to no avail. They worry that Tara will never be their friend again, having deserted them to squat with vampires. Lala intercepts a message from Gran that leads them to a treasure chest of Stackhouse family ur-artifacts. At the police station, Jessica tells a skeptical cop that Hoyt is not a member of the hate group known as “The Obamas” for the Obama masks they wear. Yeah, I don’t know either.

Jason shows up, dumbfounded as per usual, to rescue Jessica from being interrogated. Didn’t Jason just shoot you in the head, Jessica? How are you finding him trustworthy at all like one second later? You have worse taste in men than J.Lo! She is afraid that Hoyt will be killed and she will feel responsible. Jason tries to comfortingly touch her face and she at least has the good sense to pull away from him.

The Authority’s vampire version of Joan Holloway is NHFT.

Sam begs Luna to go back to the hospital, so as not to die from skin-walker related injuries. She accuses him of wanting to keep her prone so he can play Taken in peace. Luna insists that since it’s her daughter who’s been kidnapped, she will gladly play Taken herself. Sam slips up and admits he loves Luna while she accuses him of engaging in protective chauvinism, a.k.a. putting the puppy on a pedestal.

Arlene and Terry argue over his death match with Noel from Felicity. He insists that he’s only risking his life because he has her love left to live for. Romantic or no, this hardly seems comforting. At Fangtasia, Pam tells Tara that the club will continue to serve blood, synthetic or otherwise. The ban on dispensaries will only serve to drive the blood trade back underground, where it will go back to being lawless and violent. Pam wasn’t made yesterday. She will be the prohibition mistress of Bloodwalk Empire.

Eric tells Bill that while he applauds the way Bill is trying to play the Sanguinistas, they are sure to be found out at any moment. Bill claims he really has seen the light and has been converted into a full-on believer in Lilith after their drug bender. Eric informs Bill that nothing that happened that night was real, it was all just meaningless Lilith blood talk. Eric hands Bill a vial and insists that he drain some of Salome’s blood. Bill fingers the vial, which looks a lot like a love rose crack pipe.

Sookie and Lafayette go through the magic box and discover that former sheriff Bud Dearborn might know something about the latest Gran shenanigans (shegranigans). Lafayette looks exhausted, as anybody who comes within five feet of Sookie’s endlessly narcissistic supernatural bullshit eventually becomes. Jessica and Jason have a conversation so boring and unsexy you can almost watch Jessica realizing that she and Jason had nothing much in common besides being hot and incredibly proficient at sex.

Old meme.

Sobotka and the other cops check out the website for the Keep America Human campaign, the official anti-vampire hate group movement, which is full of YouTube vampire snuff videos. They decide that KAH is modeling themselves after the KKK and go off in search of the Grand Dragon. To Daenerys Targaryen’s!

No, JK, to the jail. Jason head-butts one of Jessica’s tormentors. The prisoner tells Jason that they were all jealous of him in high school. Jason was once a star quarterback who could have every woman he wanted. Now he is a friendless cop who broke the cardinal rule of male friendship: Bros before decompose. Jason kicks the shit out of him, not really proving the guy wrong about Jason being a loser aggro pig.

We Need to Talk About Kevwolf

Big Dick Werewolf Richie is driving somewhere and has a flashback to a key moment in his werewolf development. The guy who plays Li’l Alcide looks, uh, not really like Alcide? More like that actor Ezra Miller. The girl who plays li’l Debbie (RIP) resembles Miley Cyrus. The pack leader makes a speech about how while humans are a lot of Don Drapers, concerned with acquiring the biggest steak and hottest lay for only themselves, wolves are an altruistic race who privilege teamwork and family over all else. Oh look, Alcide’s dad, Jackson, is T-1000 (Robert Patrick) in a hippie leather vest.

At Bud Dearborn’s place, Sookie is surveying the Dearborn mantelpiece for clues while waiting for Bud to bring her a frosty ginger ale. Sookie force-reads Bud’s mind for more information. What are the ethics of reading somebody’s mind against their will? A woman in pink play clothes clonks Sookie over the head. Sobotka gives a press conference where he refuses to take any serious questions.

“Are you the legal guardian of John Connor?”

Sam and Luna are on the case. Arlene gets held hostage by Noel, who is still very angry that Felicity chose to lose her virginity to that painter played by Simon Rex. I don’t know, I though it was a pretty ingenious temporary solution to the love triangle between Felicity, Noel, and Ben! Sookie wakes up in a pig pen near Hoyt with her limbs bound together with rope. She admits that this particular bondage scene is a little too wild berry even for her tastes.

Sobotka and Jason take stock of the KAH members they’ve rounded up so far and try to predict who the Grand Dragon is. Jason feels guilty that he led Hoyt down the path to a life of guyliner and tawdry cruising for vampire sex. Sobotka does his gruff-but-tender dad thing. Jason starts to tear up thinking about how Hoyt’s going to die because Jason had to go and prove he could land Jessica, and how Jason couldn’t hang on to her either. Sobotka recognizes Bud Dearborn in the KAH video from his cowboy boots.


Bud gives a Bond villain speech to Sookie about how she and Hoyt are going to be fed to hungry pigs, a technique they must have picked up from Mr. Wu on Deadwood. Bud’s companion approaches in a red silk kimono to back up Bud on his threats and announce that she is the Grand Dragon. The group force downers on Sook and laugh haughtily at her helplessness. The cops raid the Dearborn place and figure out it’s time to get their oink on.

Terry and Noel have an incredibly boring standoff at Merlotte’s culminating in a dull fight interrupted by Arlene wielding a gun. Nora hugs a rock. Eric chides Nora for choosing her evil career, but arguing gets him so worked up that they suck passionate face. Bill is having rough sex with Salome, but in his mind her exotically beautiful features transform into Sookie’s buttery sweet grits face. This gets him so revved that he sinks his fangs right into fake-Sookie’s neck, who changes into a blood-soaked Lilith, then back into Salome.

“Welcome to Vampsterdam. I’m the new silliest character.”

Sam changes back into a human being and delivers a classic naked beatdown. The cops shoot Bud and rescue Sookie. Hoyt is already getting munched on by the pigs, in revenge for all the delicious bacon he’s eaten throughout his life. Naked Luna beats the shit out of the Grand Dragon lady. Jason cradles Hoyt’s neck. The lady who cursed them both appears just in time to tell Terry to shoot Noel, even though Noel just begged for his life and told them he has a child on the way. Formerly sympathetic characters sure are being murderers a lot.

Pam gets put in her place by Criss Angel, the new sheriff of Area 5, who has declared Bon Temps a free feeding zone. Sobotka takes Sookie home. Sam and Luna wear matching Snuggies to symbolize their strong matching love. Steve Newlin and Russell take a long, romantic walk together ending in a V-letting session at J.D.’s pack’s headquarters. Russell grabs Luna’s daughter and gives the adorable were-puppy to Steve Newlin as a gift.

If you like plasma coladas, and leaving graves full of chains …

B.D.W.R. enters T-1000’s trailer, where his blank-eyed father is watching Breaking Bad. No, his dad is watching sports, drinking beers, and cruelly telling B.D.W.R. that he’s going to end up a jaded lone wolf just like his old man no matter how hard he fights it. Two more Tru Blood factories explode in two other cities. A bunch of fairies show up at Sookie’s house to bring her soup, talk shit on vampires, and watch The Millionaire Matchmaker.

Eric dopes Nora and prepares to escape from the Authority HQ building with her and Molly (HAS ANYONE SEEN ME?). Bill appears ready to go with him, but he arrives accompanied by the other Sanguinistas. Bill is a snitch! Eric defangs and gives Bill a withering look. Why does Mars exist?

Filed Under: Anna Paquin, HBO, Recaps, True Blood, Vampires

Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

Archive @ mollylambert