Grading the Top 10 Songs of … SUMMER 2013!

1. Robin Thicke ft. T.I. & Pharrell, “Blurred Lines”

Robin Thicke probably has an average-sized dick #JUSTSAYIN.

Grade: B


2. Daft Punk ft. Pharrell, “Get Lucky”

Oh sure you’re sick of it NOW but give it a few months until this song just makes you nostalgic for the summer of 2013 all over again. Pharrell is a perfect angel.

Grade: A

Best YouTube Comment: “I work in the restaurant, and I fucking hate this song playing all god damn day.” — Jay Jay

3. Imagine Dragons, “Radioactive”

Puppet gladiators! A big fat beat! Lou Diamond Phillips! Imagine Dragons formed at Brigham Young, where they won the Mormon university’s yearly battle of the bands. According to Wikipedia, they “got their first big break when Train’s frontman fell sick just prior to the Bite of Las Vegas Festival.” Imagine Dragons filled in for Train, provoking rumors that they’d spiked Patrick Monahan’s Las Vegas all-you-can-eat seafood buffet with some bad crab legs just to create the perfect A Star Is Born opportunity for themselves to (dub)step into. “Radioactive” has been in a billion commercials and TV shows already, including the recent season finale of True Blood. Creepy teddy bears are having the best summer ever!

Grade: B-

Best YouTube Comment: “What the literal actual logical unimaginable fuck?” — tracy legrand

4. Miley Cyrus, “We Can’t Stop”


Grade: A

Best YouTube Comments: “I like her now. Obviously she can’t be hannah montana anymore. She has grown up. Everyone does. You cant expect her to be the same. She can do whatever she wants. Accept that.” — ThaheraB

5. Macklemore & Ryan Lewis ft. Ray Dalton, “Can’t Hold Us”

Seven minutes is excessively long for pretty much any video, even an epic one where Macklemore is the mother of all dragon backpackers, but shout-out to Macklemore for having local Seattle talents like Ray Dalton and Wanz on his hooks.

Grade: C+

Best YouTube Comment: “this song travels my mind in other places … gives me love life … gives me power!” — Pav Miaou

6. Florida Georgia Line ft. Nelly, “Cruise”

I gave this a C+ the first time around, but I’m not too proud to admit that “Cruise” wore me down all summer until I was just a little peach-flavored nub singing “BABY YOU’RE A SONG, YOU MAKE ME WANT TO ROLL MY WINDOWS DOWN AND CRUUUUUUUUUUUUUISE.” This is my party I can twerk if I want to!

Grade: B+

Best YouTube Comment: “Nelly is from St.Louis. he didn’t ‘go’ country. He Is country.” — yootoobit

7. Justin Timberlake, “Mirrors”

All that matters is that Justin allowed the ’N Sync reunion to take place at the VMAs, and he didn’t even mean-mug his way through it. He almost looked like he was enjoying himself doing the iconic “Bye Bye Bye” choreography! Either he was really having fun or he finally just proved himself as a legitimate actor.

Grade: A

Best YouTube Comment: “On a brighter side of this song he probs walked into so many mirrors in that one set :P” — TheHawesyBoy

8. Bruno Mars, “Treasure”

Baby squirrels ARE sexy motherfuckers it’s TRUE! I assumed I must have heard this song at some point this summer, but I was wrong. Maybe I just flipped the radio dial whenever it came on because I assumed it was just the billion-trillionth spin of “Get Lucky.” I still prefer “Gorilla.”

Grade: B-

Best YouTube Comment: “oh yeah i’m dancing i can’t help it oh i can’t help it this is the jam!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so hot love it. bruno mars thank you for making disco sound so fucking hot again bro.” — JustinHernadez

9. Selena Gomez, “Come & Get It”

Since they were both written as singles for Rihanna, just imagine the alternate universe in which Miley took “Come & Get It” and Selena did “We Can’t Stop.” Luckily fate intervened and dealt Miley the twerking ace while Selena got this trip-hop flavored flip fantasia instead and made a “We Found Love”–type video for it.

Grade: B+

Best YouTube Comment: “Selena looks HOT and SEXY in this video and she didn’t need to twerk or act slutty” — Rayza Silva

10. Anna Kendrick, “Cups (Pitch Perfect’s When I’m Gone)”

Sorry Anna Kendrick you were good in Drinking Buddies and all, and I’m sure I’ll enjoy your musical theater vocal stylings in Into the Woods, but I have no desire for this Mumford-y interpretation of folk song “When I’m Gone” (originally popularized by the Carter Family) in my summer jams. I hate these blurred lines.

Grade: F

Best YouTube Comment: “That kitchen is gonna burn if they don’t take those biscuits out.” — Y3DWAS

Filed Under: Anna Kendrick, Bruno Mars, Daft Punk, Grading the Charts, Justin Timberlake, Miley Cyrus, Robin Thicke, Selena Gomez, T.I., VMAs

Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

Archive @ mollylambert