The Kardashiad, Part 24: The Longer They Think They've Eaten Placenta, the BetterE!
Rob says, “Legitimately, you can gain an inch to your penis if you lose 10 pounds. That’s also why I’m going to do porn.” Khloe looks at her nails. “Yes, Rob,” she says. “We all know your story.” Kim is on the Internet reading about people eating their placentas, looking at some sort of placenta slide show. “That is the sac where the baby lives inside of you!” she says. “It’s all bloody.” She reads from the screen: “The perfect postpartum superfood.” Khloe says, “Is this what happens when everyone gets pregnant? You all turn into little Kourtneys?”
After the opening title card it’s a different day and Khloe and Kim are eating a salad out of a plastic clamshell, although mostly it’s Kim eating it. Kim even eats the little pieces of salad that have fallen on the counter. Khloe drinks a glass of white wine and watches, sort of shocked. Kim finds a plastic grocery bag in the trash, full of empty candy wrappers, a telltale sign that Rob’s been eating his feelings again. Split-second montage: Rob on Kim’s phone saying “I’m 50 pounds overweight — it’s embarrassing to the family” and then Kris being supportive. “That candy is not normal!” Kim fumes. “OK,” Khloe says, soothing her. “Your eyes [just] went beadier than I’ve ever seen in my life. It freaked me out a little bit.”
Brody meets Bruce and a few other Jenners for lunch. Kylie asks him, “What’s your girlfriend’s name? My friends know her.” Bruce looks at a picture of the new girlfriend on Instagram and, because she’s holding a cat in the picture, says “Nice pussy,” thus freeing us from thinking about how creepy it is that Brody’s dating a girl who’s friends with Kylie’s friends. Bruce says he’s been asked to do Jimmy Fallon. Brody says “I thought you hated that guy.” Bruce tells the story: “Well, I’m in Germany a week before the Games, and I’m watching Jimmy Fallon. And he makes some stupid face joke, I can’t blink or something, I don’t know — it was stupid. And then I’m thinking to myself, I gotta be in the middle of Germany and listen to this, y’know?” Cut to talking-head interview: Bruce says Fallon’s always making “blink jokes.”
“‘Bruce Jenner can’t blink ’cause he’s had so many surgeries,'” he says in a duh-duh voice. “Well, you know what?” He blinks repeatedly and spastically for three seconds. “I can blink, Jimmy Fallon.”
Bruce says the last time he ran into Fallon, he went to shake his hand, then “got right in his face and said, ‘No more face jokes.’ He was so scared.” The old friendly-handshake-to-personal-space-invasion move gets ’em every time. Bruce says he’s decided not to do the show, though, so there’s probably no chance we’ll have to hear about any of this again.
The Kardashians’ beefcakey family chef, Sharone, serves up salad and chicken at a family barbecue. Kim asks him if he’s ever cooked a placenta. He says he hasn’t but his wife did eat hers! Some people are horrified. Kris says, “I just snotted myself.” Off their reaction, Kim says, “I think everyone’s just being really weird and closed-minded, except for Kourtney.” Kourtney says, “I want to have a third child, just to eat the placenta.” Bruce says it’s like cannibalism. Bruce has a medium-size Band-Aid on the non-camera-facing side of his nose. #nomorefacejokes
Rob and Scott drive out to Chatsworth to look at a car. Scott says, “It looks like Arizona over here.” They pull over at the Log Cabin Mercantile Co. “They got some Buddhist shit,” Rob says. “Khloe likes Buddhist shit.” The growl of a motor lures them out back. A woman in a tank top and orange hazmat-suit pants is slicing nimbly away at a tree stump with a chainsaw. Holy fucking shit, it’s Cherie Currie. She’s identified onscreen as “Cherie Currie, Chainsaw Artist,” but yes, it’s the Cherie Currie:
Has this show ever set up a cooler pseudocelebrity ringer? Scott says “Why don’t you do a lesson?” And Rob decides that he will. “I love to try new things all the time,” he insists. Scott says “You should get a giant penis carved out. [To Cherie:] He hasn’t seen his in a while.”
With her laptop open, Kourtney says to Kim, “I’m trying to show you these baby-room inspirations.” She shows her some baby-room inspirations. Kim can’t believe how closed-minded everyone in the family is being about her wanting to eat her placenta. “I feel like I want to feed them my placenta without them knowing,” Kim says. “You can buy breast milk,” Kourtney says. “Why don’t we buy placenta?” She taps some keys, reads off the screen: “Human placenta sold and eaten.” Is she on the Darknet? Can we start a rumor that Kourtney has all her money in bitcoins? Kim wants revenge for all the pranks her family has pulled on her. Shots of Bruce showing arachnophobic Kim a spider on the rim of his water glass, throwing the water at her; shots of drunk Kris and Khloe TP’ing Kim’s house. So now Kim wants to feed her family what’s technically person-meat and then say “I thought you didn’t like placenta!” Ha ha ha! Ha! Ha ha. Oh man. For a second Kourtney makes what really looks like a horrified face but then she’s into it.
Rob goes to his chainsaw lesson. “I’m definitely down to make some fucking little bears or whatever,” he says. He wants to sculpt a bear, the usual starter subject for green chainsaw portraitists, and after a quick safety lesson, his chains are tasting wood. “I don’t even need to masturbate anymore, this thing’s a forearm workout,” he says. Cherie Curry’s weirded out. But he’s got the bear’s ears cut in no time. Cherie tells him he’s “got it going on,” that he made some good cuts newcomers usually can’t pull off. “I’m obviously not Picasso,” Rob says, “but I’m definitely up there.” He asks if this is something he can do at home and Cherie says yes.
Previously on Hannibal: Kourtney’s fridge is full of blurred-out products, lest you infer an endorsement by the Horizon dairy products people from the content of the scene that follows, in which Kourtney and Kim pull out a bag of placenta in butcher paper and begin marinating it for dinner. Scott walks in and freaks out. Scott says there’s no way he’s eating that. Kim gags a little as she slips the placenta out of a bloody plastic bag. Scott says this family has pulled some crazy shit, “but stuffing placenta down somebody’s mouth when they don’t know it, that’s gotta take the cake.” Kourtney singsongs “Pla-cennn-tahhhh.”
Khloe asks Rob why a chainsaw and a tarp and some other things in that vein have just been delivered to her house. Rob says he ordered it: “I’m not that dumb, to where a chainsaw just randomly comes here.” Khloe rubs her temples Excedrin-ishly, says “I can’t do this today.” She tells the confessional cam, “I want to ask questions, but you never know when Rob’s going to snap.” Bruce eats a banana and talks to Kim about Fallon again. Whenever the camera’s not on Bruce and Kim’s saying something like “Bruce, Fallon wasn’t the first person to make fun of you and he’s not going to be the last,” her lines are pretty obviously looped, as if they went back in post to make it look like Kim said a bunch of wise things. On camera, Kim reminds Bruce of the time she took a butt X-ray on the show to prove that she didn’t have butt implants. “You have to have a good sense of humor,” she tells Bruce, because if there’s one thing Kim’s known for it’s her hyper-acute sense of humor.
At Khloe and Lamar’s, Jonathan Cheban is eating a pressed sandwich. What an asshole. Khloe’s wearing a beanie that says VALLEY in Olde English script. She shows Cheban the salad bowl that Rob eats his cereal out of and everyone makes fun of his chainsaw art, although Khloe acknowledges that it’s nice to see him excited about something for once. Khloe tries to convince Kourtney to let Rob move in with them and bring his chainsaw-art stuff with him. Kourtney doesn’t take much convincing. Maybe she just wants to prove, by saying yes, that she’s a better sister than Khloe. Or maybe this whole chainsaw thing is a story to cover up Khloe and Lamar kind of needing their space.
Either way, Khloe and Rob meet at the Lab Brewing Company in Agoura Hills. Malika’s there, I guess as a buffer. While they’re waiting for Rob, Khloe says to Malika, “This is why I can’t wear jean shorts. They go so far up my vagina I can’t even tell you.” Malika laughs and says “I like how you blame your clothes.” They have a good laugh about Khloe’s apparently giant Audrey II of a vagina. Rob shows up. Khloe looks encouragingly at pictures on his phone of how well the bear is coming along. She says “It’s like a job!” It is totally similar to a job. Then she floats the idea of him moving to Kourtney’s. Some tense-moment trap-beats play for a second and then Rob says “OK.”
Khloe moves on to the check-in. “What’s going on with you?” she asks. “Why are you a little Sadula?” (Rhymes with “Dracula.”) Rob says he’s not down at all. Khloe asks what he was doing earlier, and Rob says “Runnin’ around in my room. I don’t like to leave that room.” She asks him if he thinks that’s healthy and he tells her, “Get out of here with that bull[bleep].” Khloe gets up and leaves. She’s sitting in her car in the parking lot when Rob calls. She takes the call. “I had a great whole day today,” Rob is saying. “You always say something. You’re the one that always does something, about how I’m a loser and how I rely on everybody.” He’s inarticulating a point that’s actually true: As his free-ride landlady and part-time diet coach, Khloe’s just as responsible for enabling his waste-of-space-ishness, even if she’s more vocally intolerant of it.
Kris gets an e-mail confirming Bruce’s Fallon appearance and confronts him about it while he’s outside playing Frisbee with one of the dogs. “I can take this guy on and hold my own,” he says. “Don’t worry.” Bruce tells the confession cam that he’s planning to “control the whole interview” and “take some potshots at Jimmy Fallon.” Sometimes Bruce is like if Cliff Clavin were somehow a 21st-century celebrity.
Rob’s chainsawing at Kourtney’s. Kourtney — who I think still has two small children, although maybe not for long — says “Rob learned how to do chainsaw art safely, so I am all about it.” Because Rob would never half-ass something. He waves the chainsaw around, dangerously close to the patio furniture. In his office, Scott makes silent-movieish “Mr. Exasperated” faces at the noise. “I don’t work much,” he says, “but when I do it’s important.” Kourtney overrules him. Kourtney thinks it’s awesome. Rob says “Chip me,” and puts his hand out for a fist bump, and Kourtney gives him one and says, “Chip shop.”
Sharone the Chef comes over with some hipsterish underchefs to help Kourtney prepare the placenta. Pretty soon it’s in the oven. Jonathan Cheban walks in and says “Something smells really good in here.” When Bruce asks what’s for dinner, Kourtney says “We’re having some tasty protein.” When the placenta hits the table there’s a longish shot of little Penelope Scotland Disick with her pacifier, staring at it, as if Penelope’s supposed to somehow recognize it as a placenta because she’s a baby. The jig is up the minute people start taking bites. Kris says “It’s a little tough.” Even Kim’s getting grossed out. Bruce clearly hasn’t noticed but when everyone else starts reacting he gets upset too. “So I guess you guys really didn’t like the way placenta tastes,” Kim says. Sick burn? Cheban looks like he’s going to puke. Bruce can’t believe what he’s hearing. “It’s a stranger’s placenta?” he asks, incredulous, as if there’s any answer to that question that would be reassuring.
Rob finishes the bear. Kourtney puts him in a place of honor, on a marble table in their plant-filled entryway. Rob names the bear “Cornelius.” Bruce flies to New York, checks into his room at the Gansevoort, and calls the “secret weapon” who’s going to help him kill it on Fallon. “Dunham!” he says into the phone. “What’s up?” That’s right — legendary racist ventriloquist and Bruce Jenner car-show buddy Jeff Dunham will have his arm up Bruce’s butt tonight. He’s also given him some jokes to tell on the show! We see a clip of Dunham’s old-man dummy telling a joke about how his new girlfriend ate his former wife and then doing a Fat Albert laugh. Bruce says “Thank you for the material.” How great would it be if it had been Lena Dunham?
Rob calls Kourtney, says he wants to come by and borrow Cornelius so he can show him to Lamar, but oh, man, Cornelius is missing. Scott seems to know exactly where to look, in the green yard-waste trash can, which is now empty. Scott half-admits to Kourtney that he’s the one who threw Cornelius away, claiming he threw it over the fence — because it was “so disgusting” that it ruined the entryway’s “whole vibe” — and it just happened to land in the garbage bin. Khloe comes over and they try to carve a new one and after like three seconds they decide to order one and get it overnighted.
Bruce says to his New York car-service driver, “These little Citi Bikes seem to be working out pretty good.” The driver says yes: “My wife rides almost every day. I got a wife that stays fit!” Bruce repeats “Yeah, you got a wife that stays fit!” and laughs uncomfortably, like this is the longest conversation he’s had with a black person in a while. Kris calls and reminds him not to get in Jimmy’s face again. We see a clip of Bruce refusing to answer the Fallon segment producer’s pre-interview questions and saying he’s going to “control the interview.” Bruce says, “I got him right where I want him.” Kris says, “Make love not war.”
The bear Kourtney, Scott, and Khloe ordered from the Internet comes. It’s about one-third the size of Rob’s bear and clearly professionally crafted. “It looks like [Rob’s] bear took a dump,” Khloe says. Khloe’s wearing a camo beanie that says QUEENS in Olde English lettering. Khloe reminds Kourtney and Scott that Rob suffers from “major spaz attacks” and says, of the new bear, “He might throw this at our car.” Scott pretends the new bear is a medallion, paraphrases Ludacris: “It’s like I got a midget hanging from my necklace.”
They get their stories straight to talk to Rob. “I’m telling him the new truth,” Kourtney says to Khloe. She shows Khloe a picture of a “lifeguard chair” in a magazine. “So you just save all these magazines for what?” Khloe asks her. “Inspiration,” Kourtney says. Rob brings over a tall wooden Buddha that he carved for Khloe. Kourtney shows him the new bear on the coffee table and says, “Did you see I displayed your bear?” Rob is confused, then says “That’s not my bear,” like what a hilarious joke. But then Kourtney explains that they sent his bear out to get stained and they sent back this. Rob looks stricken, for about two seconds, and then you see him dial into the self-pity potential of the moment. “What happened?” he says. “You broke it?” Like it was only a matter of time, like he knew the universe would not let him have even this. Kourtney lies and says she broke it.
It’s weird: Kourtney’s totally taking the fall for Scott, whose fault this situation pretty unambiguously is, unless the reason they don’t have footage of Scott throwing the bear away is because it didn’t happen. This is never discussed. Rob is quiet for a second then says “OK.” Says he couldn’t care less about a bear and some wood. It’s such a strange turn. He’s not allowing himself to get angry at them even in a situation where that would be entirely justified, because he wants so badly for them to stop treating him like he’s fragile. It doesn’t work, of course. Khloe says “I’m only saying this because we love you — I found a huge plastic bag filled with all these candy wrappers. I know that I’m an emotional eater and I want to make sure that you’re OK,” and somewhere the definition of “projection” rewrites itself. She wants Rob to admit he’s back on them Skittles because they fill up his hurt-hole.
Rob won’t show emotion like that. “I don’t really show emotion like that,” he says. “The only reason I’m living with you is because of your husband, who asked me to. And I clearly just need to get out now. Not because of anything that’s wrong — just ’cause I need to do me.” Khloe chews her thumbnail. “It looks like we dodged a bullet with the bear, but honestly I feel like he’s a ticking time bomb,” she says in voice-over. “I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells around him.” Mason comes in squealing, ruptures the tension.
Later at Kourtney and Scott’s everybody gathers to watch Bruce on Fallon. Khloe tells a story about Kris giving her dating advice that ends with her mother saying, “Well, have you given him a blowjob? Well, that’s why he’s not calling you back.” Scott nods. “Nobody calls anybody back without a BJ,” he says. Kris still isn’t over the placenta thing. Except Kourtney admits in confessional that they didn’t really serve placenta at all! It was flat-cut brisket. We see them buying it from the butcher shop, telling Sharone what it really is. Kourtney says she knows everyone is going to find out eventually. “But the longer they think they’ve eaten placenta, the better.”
They all watch Bruce on Fallon. Kris is nervous: “I’m on the other side of the United States. I can’t control this one. I don’t got this one.” Bruce shows the worst pictures of Fallon he could find. Fallon on a red carpet in his self-administered-haircut phase, wearing an ill-fitting jacket, looking like a child molester. Fallon at a party, one eyelid drooping, looking like a drunk Edward Scissorhands. Kris frets: “It’s not funny. He’s not letting him get a word in edgewise.” Kourtney says, “You don’t let us talk, ever.”
“I think for 24 years he’s only said about five words,” Khloe says, “and he probably was so excited to do this.” Bruce and Jimmy hug it out. Khloe says, “Good for Bruce for standing up for himself. Bruce is slowly growing back those testicles. He gets ballsier by the second.” Kris looks aghast, like she’s just watched a newly super-intelligent ape field-strip an assault rifle.
Next week: The Kardashians Random Plot Keyword Generator apparently takes over, as Scott and Kourtney Swede a Bruce-Kris sex tape and Khloe worries she’s losing her memory.