About Last Weekend: Simpson’s Olympic Glory

 Webb SimpsonIn case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports over the weekend.

  • Raleigh native Webb Simpson posted a final-round 68 and watched as the leaders faltered on a tough day at The Olympic Club, handing him the U.S. Open. “Well, golly gee, if that ain’t just ol’ Webby all the way, lucking into a gol-dang tournament on the foggiest day this side of a North Carolina holler!” said Simpson, the Wake Forest graduate who is trying hard to build his brand as a comical country bumpkin. “Jiminy cricket! I reckon they’ll be firing up the fancy tractors and gettin’ all likkered up in their Sunday overalls back home! Yessireebob! We’re gonna jump in that crick like it’s our mammy’s birthday! Whippity-snip, zippedy-doo, smackety-bip and a cock-a-doodle-doo!”
  • LeBron James scored 29 points and grabbed 14 boards as the Heat overcame a third-quarter deficit to beat the Thunder 91-85 and take a 2-1 lead in the NBA Finals. When reporters asked James if this year would be different than 2011, when the Heat had a 2-1 lead on the Mavericks, James nodded. “The Thunder don’t have the blond angel of death cursing my footsteps,” he said. When asked if he meant Mavs power forward Dirk Nowitzki, James gasped. “You saw him too?!
  • Lars Bender’s late goal gave Germany a 2-1 win over Denmark in Euro 2012, setting up a quarterfinal match against Greece. In advance of the highly politicized matchup, German chancellor Angela Merkel plans to send her nation’s best high-pitched sociopaths to Greek city squares, where they’ll cut their fingernails with shiny little pocket knives and tell the people that it would be “a pity” if the Germans lost.
  • Dale Earnhardt Jr. broke a four-year, 143-race dry spell to win the NASCAR Sprint Cup race at Michigan International Speedway. Earnhardt credited his win to the fact that he removed the 40-foot crow’s nest from which he’s navigated his car for the last four years. “We were ahead of our time,” he said wistfully.
  • In a series featuring two of baseball’s best teams, the Yankees swept the Nationals in D.C., winning 4-1 on Sunday after Ivan Nova’s 7.2 solid innings. “Nova loves NorVA,” said Yankees manager Joe Girardi. “But we have to keep our focus, because the season’s NotVa. That means ‘not ova.'” Girardi paused, surveying everyone’s reaction. “I went too far again, didn’t I? Damn it, Joe! Damn your stupid mouth! You’ve embarrassed yourself on Father’s Day!”
  • In another battle of division leaders, Dee Gordon’s walk-off single gave the Dodgers a 2-1 victory over the White Sox and a series win. Over the weekend, thousands of fans came from miles around to see the famously white socks of Chicago’s South Siders, and they weren’t disappointed; their socks were so white, like the glimmering teeth of a Siberian princess. It was magical.
  • After kicking an advertising board and inadvertently injuring a line judge at the Queen’s Club tournament in London, David Nalbandian is facing an assault complaint. London police have yet to confirm whether the complaint was filed by the advertising board or the line judge, but since corporations now have more rights than human beings in several western countries, *AHEM*, it’s probably the board. (Feeling so political right now … )
  • LaDainian Tomlinson is retiring; the running back will re-sign with the San Diego Chargers for a day in order to end his NFL career with the team. Chargers coach Norv Turner plans to spend most of the day nervously watching the clock, insisting that they wait to hold the press conference, then realizing that it’s getting late and maybe they should start setting it up, then panicking as 11 p.m. approaches, and finally trying to call desperate timeouts when the media doesn’t show up for the 11:45 p.m. press conference and the lights aren’t working.
  • Tommy Haas, at age 34 the oldest player in the Gerry Weber Open, stunned Roger Federer 7-6, 6-4 to win the title. When he reached home, Haas received the ultimate family honor when he was awarded another “a” in his last name by accomplished family patriarch Sir William Benedictus Haaaaaaaaas. Everyone was delighted for Haas, with the exception of his jealous, underachieving little brother, Franklin Hs.
  • In College World Series action, Florida State eliminated the underdog Stony Brook Sea Wolves with a 12-2 win. Stony Brook’s mascot responded to the loss with a lonesome howl, at which point it ingested gallons of seawater and had to be euthanized.

Filed Under: About Last Weekend, Chicago White Sox, Euro 2012, LeBron James, Los Angeles Dodgers, NBA Finals, New York Yankees, U.S. Open, Washington Nationals